So, I keep having the best day of my life (so far), over and over again. I think if I had any questions about moving here it is answered with that. It has not come without consequences, sacrifices, and to be Frank or Jan about it, much at my own expense. There are some scary people out here, but hey take that comment with a grain of salt, because I’m a Utah gay that has not had many worldly experiences. Heck, I have not even been given the chance to self-actualize- so what do I know? (And a couple of hoes out here have tried to continue to prevent it from happening for me, but I’m on my way despite and in spite of those bitches.)
I remember over a month ago I was on the phone with my bestie in Utah. I was possibly a little stoned at the time and truly taking in ALL of my little space I have here on the planet. I got a couple plants, extra hummingbird feeders, and a little fountain for my backyard. It has been a fuckin game changer- a spirit calmer or spirit calming experience for me.
It’s nearing nighttime, me and the puppies have blankets on us as we cuddle outside on the patio furniture and enjoy the peace, each other, and the little birds getting their last drink on. We’ve, meaning me and the babies, were talking to Toni (said bestie) via video. I excitedly showed her how I set up my little space and began to tell her how it makes me feel. Tearful I said, “Fuck gurrrl, I think this is the best day of my life, so far.” I was overwhelmed with the feeling that things seem to be going well for me in my little baby business. I think I’m going to survive, and possibly thrive. I let and felt those emotions run through me.
I’m feeling the transition of moving out of poverty towards middle class and out of having to act from fear and oppression towards a calmer spirit. But I’m not soo far away from it, I can still feel it and see it peaking around every corner at me. (STOP LOOKIN AT ME BITCH!) But the transition is real, and the feeling is nothing short of ammmazing. I hope that it keeps moving in a positive direction too, because I could get used to this feeling. (Really, I could.)
Before I forget, the backyard little fountain, the sound of running water does something to ya, or at least it does me. The birds, the plants and the puppies have made me have some of the best moments of my life. And these moments often don’t involve another human being or even spoken words. (It’s the coolest shit my little brown self has been allowed to experience.)
I think that paired with my bills getting a little easier to pay is soul soothing. I most certainly was terrified to venture out on my own (both moving here and starting my business), but it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
Needless to say, I don’t like rude bitches and rude bitches always have a way to find their way towards me. Unfortunately, I have an aura with a strong gravitational pull for Rudies and the kinda face that says, “Yes, rude bitches talk shit and be mean to me please.” Working for myself completely alleviates that predictable outcome- at least in the work environment. Now I get to depend on me and not the moods or whims of other people, except for my clients and that’s how I LOVE it! I realize that I’ve only had myself and one or two other people to really depend on anyhow- so I got this.
I’m always left thinking, “Why these bitches trying to make me have a bad mood?”, “Why these bitches don’t realize I could be so much meaner than I am nice?” And “Why these bitches trying to disrupt my peace? I’m trying to be so nice here.” It took me so long to find just a sliver of peace and I found it here, then some of these hoes try to take it from me. Nah, bitch. I have the capacity to mirror back the hate you show me… but even better than that… I can do love too.
In the words of Ludacris,
Move, bitch, get out the way
Get out the way, bitch, get out the way
Move, bitch, get out the way
Get out the way, bitch, get out the way
If you are one of those people who are actively trying to be an obstacle in someone’s life and trying to limit their dream chasing potential- shame on you. That’s gross. You can move out the way on your own or be moved with the truth. You are not the only one who can be a bitch. I just don’t want to be that way anymore- I’d like to stay in my happy. This journey of being better than I once was is finally working for me. So, please get out of the fucking way. My successes or happiness has nothing to do with you. (Also, that is all I know from that Ludacris song.)
My words of advice for any happy homos coming out here for a visit that like me hadn’t been here before…be cautious out there, but also be willing to take risks on people who deserve it, people who show you love and kindness. Also get vaccinated for EVERYTHAAAANG! This is a pump and dump kinda town and although I, myself am waiting for Luke Perry, I can’t miss the opportunity to say get vaccinated.
Also, we have the coolest radio station you need to know about, KGAY 106.5. Tune in there before you come (double entendre). They talk about all the upcoming events going on out here (check out their website too). Sometimes I listen and my soul says, “FUUUCK YAAAS! This place is soo gay.” They’d never let KGAY exist in Utah- and gosh darn it- I love it. One of their recent ads is hilarious, catchy, and says something like, “So come on down and let Dicks make you something good to swallow.” Hehe..that would never see the light of air play as a commercial in Utah. Thank Goddess I’m not in Utah.
My other advice for people who live here. Be careful who you let in your home, trick or roommate. Some people would take your phone without you realizing it, open it with your facial recognition (if that’s how you have it set up) and when you’re not looking, they can download Apple Family Share on your phone. Then they (meaning my nemesis) would know when you come and go from your home, have access to apps on your phone, and try to wreck your life. Evil shit- evil people, so be careful. Also, if you have a trick over, make sure you check to make sure all of your windows are closed after they leave. These gay streets be talkin and I heard some horror stories about it. (There I’ve done my dude-diligence and shared what I know.)
There’s also so much beauty here too- don’t be scared to come here, be free here, and find your own peace/piece here in the desert. Yesterday, I experienced another best day of my life (so far)- moment again.
The day started with Rhonda Rae and I driving around town. We even went to Moller’s Garden Center so I could look at plants, went to Brunch 101, and stopped for a nightcap at the Roost before heading home at 5 PM.
Yes, I said I went to a garden center and that our night cappin’ began at 3- 4 PM. (You read that correctly.) I admit it, I’m getting fucking weird(er) as the years go by. I’m like a plant person- ew and I’m home early- double ew (ew). I’m realizing how much I love nature and hummingbirds specifically. Wildlife and spending time outside with it has not really ever been my jam (EwX3). But I’m loving it thus far and we’re jamming now. I’ve had some of the most healing moments that I’ve ever needed here in my backyard.
After Ron dropped me off at home, I lit a joint and headed outside with the blankets, my puppies ,and began to water the plants. I took a handheld hummingbird feeder in each hand and held them up or out, with my outstretched arms. I might have looked like I was in a commercial for the Real Housewives of Palm Springs, but instead of a peach, snowflake, or whatever else the housewives hold (I only watch the two), I had a little red and yellow hummingbird feeder outstretched in my hand; along with a smile from ear to ear.
The following experience, I think, was the best day of my life (so far). It brought me to tears because I was so happy. Not only did my little hummingbird friend (OG HB) come to drink out of my hand (like he does every morning), but all of his friends came too.
They were initially afraid of me (not my OG HB), they swooped in for a look at me as they diverted past me and darted to the other feeders. (Yes, I have a couple of feeders. Weirdo- I know. I just want more happy.) Then one female stopped and took a drink out of my hand. Then she landed on my finger.
The others took notice. Then there was a fight for the feeders in my hands. At different times (until my arms got tired) there was anywhere from no bird to one bird and at the most three drinking out of one feeder (standing on my hand and/or on the feeder itself). Even the big, beautiful Bradley Cooper of hummingbirds (big beautiful/colorful adult males) came for a land and a drink. It really was the coolest experience I’ve had.
This part is a little embarrassing… the moment was so thrilling and I was filled with so much excitement that I began to get some movement in my shorts. I thought, “Oh my gosh do I want to fuck one of these Bradley Cooper birds? Or is it just the exhilaration of wild animals trusting me, flying all around and their unpredictability that got my blood pumping?” I was a little scared and extremely happy in that moment. Maybe happiness is sexy to me? Or do I like birds? Do I loooove bird? Yes, I do but I don’t want to fuck them. LOL, Bradley Cooper on the other hand…
I’m so excited, in many ways, to continue this healing process here in the desert- with you and mostly everyone else too. I hope I keep having the experience of- the best day of my life (so far), over and over again. I just needed some space to heal from my own trauma and I’ve found it. I’m getting to feel things other than worry and stress. Aaaah, what a relief it has been.
So, if you are reading this from Utah, or anywhere else and want to be like a hummingbird and fly in and land for a drink. Be careful, drink to your little heart’s delight, and have fun! Oh, and they make the drinks strong here- so be careful. Drinks are nothing like Utah- aaah, what a relief.
As I look back at the ups and downs of the short time I’ve had here, I say to myself, “Shantay, Imma stay.”
Hoping That You Have Some of the Best Days of Your Life Still Ahead,
The Happy Homo
PS And of course Jennifer Lopez has a new album with hummingbirds coming out at the same time these damn hummingbirds are making my soul sing. Can’t wait for the album. Love you JLo, even if you ain’t my Mama.
PSS Can you believe the republicans are going to attempt to defeat a bipartisan border security bill? Then they will try to weaponize their inability to work across the aisle to address these issues at the border, against our President (who is at least trying). They do this for or at the direction of an insurrectionist- someone who attacked our Nation’s Capital. Fuckin gross. Traitor trump and his cronies are a clear and present danger to our country and our democrazy. (Well, it has become crazy. We elect crazy bitches we get nowhere.)
PSSS I have a deep admiration for our men and women in uniform. (Of course, I love the sexy Air Force Blues the most.) My heart goes out to the families who lost their loved one and the soldiers who lost their comrades in the drone attack that killed 3 Americans. God bless America, our democracy, our Constitution, and God Bless honest people who are not swayed by greed, lust, corruption, or white supremacy.
PSSSS If you think beheading your own father to prove your political correctness demonstrates how much you are on the right side of history, you are disgustingly wrong. If anything, it shows how evil traitor trump is and how he has instilled his evil within members of his own party. They look possessed to me.
PSX5 At last- I feel like I can breathe and relax a little.
“At Last”
At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh yeah yeah- At last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream, that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh yeah yeah
You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine … At Last.
PSX6 Recently I was trained in a new therapeutic technique called, “Accelerated Resolution Therapy.” (or ART). As part of our practicum we had to practice on each other. I used the trauma I was carrying around from the crazy AF, amphetamine filled, lying bitch of a roommate I had over the summer as what I wanted to work through. It was a scary fucking experience and I had to literally barricade myself in my room. He was scary in an absent soul kinda way.
Well, the therapy worked for me and it feels so far removed from me today. True to what they say and what we were taught, I’m left with the facts and not the fight or flight sensation. It’s cool AF. If you have some trauma of your own, you want to work through come see me for some ART. If not me, look on their website for another trained clinician. It’s eye movements, a script, and the power of your brain. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to let that trauma go. I’m looking forward to continuing to work on my own trauma and finally releasing from my soul what I’ve been carrying around. Unfortunately, so many of us homos carry trauma with us. We deserve to be happy. You are deserving of love, kindness, and happiness. (I think I’m going to try, if I can afford it, to attend the Advanced ART training later this year. If it truly has great results with my clients- I will. It will be worth the money for me to see people heal.)
PSX7 I sort of lied the other day when I was saying that I don’t listen to male vocalists… I also listen to Little Nas X-cellent. Not as often as I should but he’s on my Gay Boy Playlist/Jams. If you have Max I encourage you to watch, “Lil Nas X: Long Live Montero.” And I agree Long live Montero, that sexy motha fucka. I also downloaded Bad Bunny and Maluma but I don’t listen to them on their own. LOL. Just being honest. I need to try more.
