Tonight’s blog is brought to you by the BIG letter D. No, I’m not talking about that BIG D, you fuckin perverts. But I do love the way you think. I want to touch on, rub up against, and use my mouth to talk about the other Big D- Death. Sometimes I don’t think that we talk about death enough. Sadly, we as humans fear what we don’t quite understand. It’s a great fault we have and for some reason it can cause us a lot of unnecessary distress to the point where we attack what we don’t understand.
I mean, we do talk about it some. Like about how it’s scary, or when it comes to the consequences of wars (which there are too many of), or death by the hands of another person (war of a different nature but no matter how much lipstick or padding you put on that pig it’s still humans not quite understanding each other).
We live in a retirement community, and I wonder if we talk about the Big D enough or how lucky some people are to die surrounded by family, husbands, wives, and/or their friends. The idea to have someone who could possibly take care of you when you get older, less able bodied, and possibly bedridden is a wish not granted to a lot of us, but I think it’s something we all want.
Death can come in many different forms and at different times of this human experience we are having. I’m from Utah, where the death of your spirit (or attacks on your spirit) happen too frequently. When it’s not put to death, its damaged, bruised, battered and I’m tired of feeling damaged because I’m different.
In a post about death, we also have talk about living. I’m also tired of living at half glow to make people’s lives I may encounter easier. Do we get used to limiting our light as to not blind or offend others? Well, I want to fucking GLOW BITCHES, like JLO Glow (all heavenly and shit). Yes, I want to shine my light super bright while I have the chance too. Because one day, just like everyone else, my light will dim, and death will happen. Yes, even to me, even to you, and even to my adorable chewies.
So why am I trying to dim my light sooner than it needs to be? Just so others are comfortable? Just to make other people happy? Doesn’t my happiness matter too? Doesn’t yours? I’m sure it does. No I need to say it more boldly, “I know it does!”
At least one time a year my old pastor from my gay church in Utah says, “Mortality Rate is still 100%.” He loves saying that as a joke, to see who is clever enough to understand what he is saying. I can see in my mind’s eye his adorable old man eyes darting left to right to see people’s reactions. I’ll talk a little more about a Utah experience in just a moment, he just popped into my brain since I’m writing about mortality.
First, I want to be honest, I never really loved doing therapy. That’s not why I went into social work or to graduate school. I realized that despite my love for people and wanting to help, people don’t take you seriously unless you have a college degree. Which is sad because for many of us happy homo queers get mistreated so much growing up in school that the idea of going on to college fills us with anxiety. I was not one of those happy homos. I loved school. It was my escape from other things, and it was something that I could control. My efforts, attempts, and light seemed to be recognized there; mostly. I think I was kinda popular, or as popular as a poor short chunky Mexican kid would be allowed to be.
(Before I forget, I sure love therapy now. I love doing it with you guys. I love hearing stories about your loves, lives, trials, tribulations, and it’s nice to get to know you. It’s even more rewarding when the work we do together works!)
I sure found a way to work that picture into the blog. It’s from junior high or high school. I just got it last week and I sure love it. LOL, I seem to have grown into my ears. The world (outside my home) didn’t get scary until after high school when I would enter into the workforce. It’s crazy how much external factors (i.e. someone else’s problem with you) can control how bright you are allowed to shine; I mean if you want to keep a job, earn enough money to feed yourself, etc.
I talked to my clients a lot about relationships, which I don’t have that much experience in, at least not anymore. I realize that I’m terrified of it. I even bypassed a partner and went “straight” into adopting a kid on my own, to avoid a relationship. It would have been much easier with a partner. It’s hard AF to be the good and the bad parent. I’m still recovering from that. My hats off to all you single parents who are doing it well.
Speaking about relationships, I talked to my mom earlier this week and congratulated her on her upcoming divorce. Blah, blah TMI- I know! I also know I shouldn’t say bad things about my dad because of the “10 commandments” and shit that are drilled into young Catholic minds, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s not a nice person. Well not to his family at least. Especially not to his gay son and even more especialies than that – not to his own wife.
I curtsey to you (Mommy) from California and say, “It’s about fucking time Mommy.” And then I snap my fingers in applause, “Congratulations.” I also write about personal things, because snapping with my fingers is about all the snapping I want to do these days. Everyone, including social workers need an outlet to relieve stress and writing about it is mine; prevents me from the other kind of snapping. *Snaps*
I told my little Mummy that now she has a chance to be happy. I hope she takes this opportunity and runs with it. As mentioned above, before I moved here, I intentionally put off relationships because it was hard enough just to survive and I sure didn’t want to end up with someone like my dad or even worse be like my dad.
Then all this time went by, and I thought, “Well you dumb bitch you missed your opportunity.” Utah thoughts, “You’re too old now.” “You’re too…” this and that. Then I get here and get a taste of the real world or how at least how the world could be and I tell myself, “Fuck you dumb bitch. Look all around you, there’s opportunities everywhere. You still have a chance. YOU’RE NOT DEAD YET!” I hope I take this opportunity and run with it. Fucking sprint with it!
I know sometimes we get tired of hearing about “traditional values” because they weaponize it so often against our community and try to strip away our rights every chance they get. These “traditional values” are engrained in us from early on and often stifle a young queer’s growth. Most of us even have a “traditional” idea of what relationships are supposed to look like. Well Palm Motha’ Fuckin Springs has broadened my horizons and oh my gosh, I’m grateful to be here.
I asked a client that was discussing a relationship in session, “Well would they take care of you when you get old? Would they be there for you as you became less able bodied? For richer or poorer? Sickness and in health?” And then they answered….. just kidding, it’s NONE OF YOUR FUCKIN BUSINESS NOSEY BITCHES, geesh. Client privilege up -n- here.
My point is these words…these lines are traditional saying so many people will use while making lifelong commitments, aren’t they? I don’t think this example of traditional values is so terrible. I for one kinda want to know the answers to those questions before I get hitched, goddess willing. So traditional can’t be all bad, can it?
Nope, I don’t believe we should throw away the baby with the bathwater. I can hear some of you now in a gay lispy voice, “The idea of having a baby is also part of traditional values that hurt our people, Leeee!”
Well no duh, what I mean by that expression is, “you lose the good parts of something as well as the bad parts, because you reject it as a whole instead of just removing what is bad.” Hurting people and oppressing people is what’s bad. Taking away people’s freedoms and rights to love and be autonomous is what’s bad.
I can say that like many of you homos that traveled this gay man’s golden showered roads before me, I’m in the process of deprograming myself and getting rid of things or ideas that are detrimental or could kill my spirit. Yes, I said deprograming bitches. Some of us need to deprogram ourselves just so our souls can survive and maybe one day thrive at full blast.
I don’t think that is such a bad gauge on relationships of that magnitude. But I understand many of us have conditions on those types of relationships too. I for one don’t know if the “richer or poorer” part is for me and don’t think I’ll be saying that on my future wedding day. What I mean is … I’ve already had a lifetime of being poor. I want to experience life in a different way now and am willing to work for it- so long as I have the freedom to do so.
I have to say this is the first time that I feel like I don’t have a cap placed on me by someone or society. I think it’s the magic of Palm Springs. I feel like the only cap I could experience is one that I put on myself (for whatever reason). Don’t get me wrong, a few of you hoes have tried to place a limit or a cap on me already. But what you bitches didn’t know, that many of my Utah friends and family know is, I’d bet on me.
I bounce back and most times- better than before. But I’m tired of having to bounce its exhausting. The only bounce I want to do in my future is the swaying of my big fat ass. That is of course after I get my BBL, cause I’m going to keep working on it and will buy myself one of those fat asses one day. (Should put it on my vision board)
Back to the Big D, no not that one you nasty hookers. Still talking about Death. I told someone I was going to write about death, and they wanted me to include their experience. They lost a parent and were their parents’ full time and then some caregiver. They felt like they were struggling with understanding the last moments of their parent’s death, in addition to the whole hospice process.
They wanted me to mention they felt like they didn’t understand hospice and their role to administer medication fully or felt like it was possibly misrepresented. This is understandable, because it’s a hard thing to have to do- watch your loved one die. Death, even in one’s home doesn’t look comfortable, and frankly it looks like it hurts. And it should hurt, it’s our organs shutting down. The dying need less oxygen, breathing becomes labored, maybe some coughing, and a rattle; known as the death rattle and then death.
If you could make your loved one more comfortable during this process, would you? Could you administer morphine to help them pass more peacefully? They said their parent gargled, did the death rattle and gasped for breath until opening their eyes wide open and smiling “like they saw something….or someone.” It was a beautiful description of what happened. It was even more beautiful to see the devotion of this person to their parent, unconditional love returned at full blast. Any of us would be lucky to have a kid that kind and selfless.
That would be cool if there is something so beautiful waiting to welcome us when we die, that we leave this life smiling as we walk into it; whatever it is. It sounds pretty awesome to me. And I for one admit, I’m not perfect but I’m no worse than most straight people. And I feel like love in this life, or at least I’ve tried to be. And that effort should be enough to earn that kind of departing smile. And no straight person or church is going to tell me I don’t deserve to leave this life with that smile.
I remember when my grandma died. There was a little argument over if my aunt should have administered the morphine as prescribed. My thoughts then remain my thoughts today. Well duh, yes she should have administered the morphine as prescribed. There was a conversation that maybe if they didn’t administer the medication, they could have had a few more days with my unconscious and nonresponsive grandma. And that is just dumb, dumb, dumb and selfish. Why would you want your loved one’s last few days, much less hours, or minutes to be in pain?
Of course, I think they should administer morphine when someone’s dying; like duh. If I’m lucky enough to marry someone good enough to be there with me when I leave this life or vice versa, I ask him to give me as much morphine as possible please. And when it happens and you are left wondering, “Well where’s Lee’s big smile?” (In case I don’t get one after my last breaths. Trust me, I’m smiling on the inside.) Give me the morphine. I don’t want to hurt any more.
With the person that wanted me to share some of their experience, we’re working on reframing the last moments of their parent’s life. They were challenged to change the soundtrack to the flashback or movie they see when they close their eyes. I hope I get to be there when my mom passes away of old, old age (but so old yet maintained great cognitive and bodily functions the whole time), just putting it out there in the universe.
When the time comes, I would love to see my mom smile like there’s something else, or like she’s being greeted by her mom, her Ama. I’d scream, “I love you Mommy. Tell Ama hi for me and put in a good word for me over there.” Maybe joke around, “And don’t watch me masturbate or have sex!” (She’d appreciate the joke.)
So, the way we think about death should be challenged if its super black and white. The reality is we don’t know what happens to us or where we go after this. Is it just the lack of O2 to our brains that cause us to hallucinate in those last minutes? I don’t know but I hope my future loved ones get to see me smile as I leave for the next adventure. I have faith they will.
I hope we all can see that death can also be a celebration of life. If there isn’t any beauty in a life loved, lived, shared, then we need to work on that. I also hope that you aren’t just waiting around for death to come. I recently told one of my friends that I didn’t want to crawl into a casket to hang out with him when he is alive and well right now and should be LIVIN up his last few years of his life. I’m not ready to die yet, and have been waiting for so long for my life to begin; like fully begin and it is. I also realized that I have to make it begin, it doesn’t just happen for people like me.
Back to glowing at full force… a friend posted, “Your light is gonna irritate a lot of unhealed people.” It’s true and it sure the fuck does. And so the fuck what? My job is to protect my light and maybe yours too. I have to remember other people’s negative reaction(s) to my light is their problem. I can’t let their problem blow out my light or even dim it. I have the right to glow at full force if I fuckin want to and so do you.
Wishing More Love in the World So All of Our Lights Can Safely Shine Bright,
The Happy and Shiny Homo
PS I’m surprised I didn’t use a “Death Becomes Her” joke in a blog about death. We all know us homos be lovin Meryl and Goldi and the movie.
PSS Note to self, less time masturbating and more time learning to spell the word masturbate. (Joking, but not about my terrible spelling.)
PSSS Fuck any government, representative, House Speaker, their wife, or anyone else in government who supports, participates, funds, or promotes anti-gay conversion therapy. You are fine just the way you are babe. Your gay ass is loved.
PSSSS It has been 3-4 weeks since I’ve been off the Kim K. titty. Ugh, and I admit, I’m disappointed. I loved watching everything she is winning at so I can see her pretty clothes. But alas, I just can’t fuck with anyone (even fan gurrrling out for someone) who kicks it with any of the traitor trumps. Hard N to the mother tuckin O, spells NO. I love my country, my community, my freedoms, and women’s freedoms way too much. Those things have never been challenged so much in my lifetime as they were with traitor trump in office. Tis a hard NO ☹. It’s almost like they would prefer or are expecting us to gloss over what they did. Let’s face it Americans tend to have short memories. I member tho. I can’t ever gloss over it. No amount of Kim K can grant them forgiveness, at least not from gay little ol’ me. Ew.
PSX5 Speaking of elderly people…. Did you hear that Ruples came out with new Christmas music? You can download it on iTunes, “Essential Christmas” and “Ho Ho Ho.” They are kinda really great Christmas songs and frankly are a must have (at least for me). Loves it.
PSX6 Can I also just add, now that bitch is living her best life (still talking about Ruples). *finger snaps applause* Bravo and Happy Christmas to you too. You senior bitches need to take note- life isn’t over after 60. 60 is the new 35. In fact the closer I get to it, 60 doesn’t appear senior at all.
She’s still queen and ruling all over these gay streets. She sure did “dip into the fountain of youth, and that aint no baloney.” Mmmm… baloney. *FINGER SNAPS*
PSX6 Yes, she came out the cloud. I love Christmas music… eeeee! Gay happy homo squeal.
PSX7 Lyrics / or video Shine the Light Remember your flame, your light can reignite or relight someone else’s wick.
PSX8 If you haven’t already, you should talk to your doctor or their social worker to do an Advanced Directive. Ugh, I couldn’t not post about death and not talk about preparedness. It’s the social worker in me. I’m so happy that we as gay people are allowed to marry and can no longer be thrown out of hospitals when our partners are sick or dying. Its sad there was a time that we had to worry about that.
PSX9 Gosh this was a long fucking post. I need to learn to shut the fuck up sometimes. But that day is not today. Does anyone even read this? I’d probably feel weird if I knew. Tell me… no don’t tell me.
PSX10 May all of our queer brothers, sisters, and non-binary loved ones that have passed rest in peace and paradise.
PSX11 Transgender Day of Remembrance is coming up November 20.
“Transgender Day of Remembrance seeks to highlight the losses we face due to anti-transgender bigotry and violence. I am no stranger to the need to fight for our rights, and the right to simply exist is first and foremost. With so many seeking to erase transgender people — sometimes in the most brutal ways possible — it is vitally important that those we lose are remembered, and that we continue to fight for justice.”
– Transgender Day of Remembrance founder Gwendolyn Ann Smith
PSX12 Don’t be so afraid of death that you forget to live. If you have the means to live life loudly AND its safe to do so…. Then do so.
PSX13 Thank you to the person who wanted me to talk about specific struggles when your loved one is on hospice. Watching someone die is not easy, but I’d rather be there with my loved one than not.
PSX14 I worked in Utah ERs and I’ve seen a lot of work on people who are dying (for various reasons- it’s the ER). I’ve seen people be brought back to life, people mourn, people scream for their dying loved one and have held a lot of hands. I’ve seen enough death to know it’s not easy to watch. At least It never got easy for me and I’m sure glad it didn’t.
