Text Messages-
Me- At the gym. There’s a cute Jewish looking dude I want to flirt with but don’t know how. I hate being such a proper lady.
Friend- Peacock. Oh she think she a lady now? 😊 Smile, say hello. Ask for advice on how to do whatever he’s doing for working out. For proper form of course. What’s this gentleman exercising today?
Me- OMG he left ☹ He was cute. We exchanged glances… well at least I think we did? I’m just not good at this LOL I think I peacocked, not sure.
Me- Bitch you need to be here. There’s restaurants with $5 bottomless champagne. Think of the damage you could do…. To your liver.
Friend- Try smiling next time. And say hello. It’s a good start. And yes I do damage every weekend.
Me- I feel dumb.
Friend- Smiling at people?
Me- No, you know what I mean.
Friend- I’m not sure I do. You feel dumb when you’re around someone you want to flirt with? That’s why u start small. Eyes, smile, say hello if you’re close enough. It’ll take a minute to get confidence and figure out your flirting style.
Me- Being a whore. I’m not good at it. I smiled.
Friend- Good baby steps.
Me- I think I smiled. LOL I hope it wasn’t a creepy smile. Not really sure what I was doing with my face. Panicked. I smiled, I think I smiled and then looked at the ground. 😊 That counts.
That’s a text message exchange between me and one of my good friends back in Utah. The reason I share this is to prove I have 0 game!
Reason 1,100,998 I love Palm Springs is there seems to be a place for me here. I think there’s a place here for everyone who believes in equality, justice for ALL and love. Back in UT I didn’t feel pretty or handsome, appreciated, or even wanted. The truth is I haven’t dated in a long time. The last time was someone’s husband that had permission to “have fun” with me while said husband worked outside of the country. He’s probably the closest thing I have experienced to a “sugar daddy” in my life. By that I mean he did a few nice things for me, “But what has he done for me lately?” Totally kidding, just wanted to pay tribute to the AMAZING MRS. Janet if you nasty! (That’s the problem I’m not as nasty as I should be.)
This computer I’m typing on he bought for me to when my laptop died while I was in college. Its old now but how I appreciated the sentiment. The other thing that he did rates second in the coolest things that have ever happened to me or that I’ve experienced. That was going to the Jennifer Lopez Concert in Las Vegas when she had the residency. That concert was BOMMMMB! I remember smiling so big, from ear to ear, for the whole concert. I think that is what my face has been doing ever since I arrived in Palm Springs. I’m so happy, every day it’s like a fucking JLo concert in my brain.
Sorry, I digress. What I’m trying to get to is I felt like I wasn’t dateable in UT. You’ll come to know I’m a little ADHD and get sidetracked from time to time. I was either too fat, too Mexican, too fem, too short, too loud, and well just too many fucking toos. Carrying around those toos has weighed me down so much. I didn’t realize how insecure it has made me, how insecure I really am when it comes to men and my body. The great thing about Palm Springs is here people don’t give a fuck! There is a place for fatties, fems, sooo many places for Mexicans or brown folk, we are everywhere here; it’s so awesome! This is also a place for short people, eccentric people, poor people like me and people with a variety of histories. All those labels seem to disappear here or at least that’s been my experience so far.
Tonight, I was on checking out one of the Palm Springs Facebook groups and one comment just stood out to me. “I’m chunky and I’m funky!” I thought hell yes! Go on mister chunky funky! He didn’t get ridiculed, and no one made fun of him for being himself. It’s a glorious and accepting place. The truth is he probably picked someone up with that post. While I am too chicken shit to post anything about my chunk or my funk. There’s someone here for everyone; I think even me.
I don’t think I always use to be nervous about picking up people or being picked up. The only difference is now I’m sober. No drugs and sometimes I drink but I’m no longer hiding behind or in substances to numb the pain of rejection from family and some friends when I came out of the closet. Also being raised a Catholic/Christian I always felt like I was wrong for being gay. That was probably the biggest lie they told me in my whole life! The damage was already done and at such an early age. I still live with it and the consequences of my actions while hiding behind the numbing effects of drugs. All it really did was make things worse. But when you feel like you are kicked in the nuts everywhere you go -you long for numbness.
Today, I am still finding out who I am sexually, yeah- without being all fucked up. I am learning how to let my inhibitions go, but it is easier said than done. I remember a couple years ago I brought up some of my uncles actions of disowning me when I came out of the closet during an argument about that traitorous son of bitch trump. Yup, some of my Mexican family actually liked that orange fool that would probably throw a ketchup bottle at their heads, given the opportunity.
My uncles and most if not all of my family have since changed and are accepting of who I am. I am not sure how they feel about traitor trump, I don’t really talk to them very often. You don’t vote for someone who actively hurts and tries to take away the rights of your family. What I’m trying to get at is my cousin wanted to know why I would bring something like my uncles disowning me when I was a teenager up so many years later. Its because those things never really leave you. I processed it, accepted it, recognized the changes everyone has made but the fact is there’s still scar tissue. Every time I try to let those inhibitions go, I brush up against it and am reminded this is another opportunity for rejection. And don’t no body want dat!
My first week or two in Palm Springs I found a gym. Going to the gym has been an eye-opening experience, at least coming from UT. As I walk around the gym I think, “Holy shit that white man has a huge fucking cock! WOW!” “Oh my cock, so does that one, and that one!” Well you get the penis, I mean the point. I wonder if I was built like a stallion if I would even be shy at all. Who knows? That huge fucking cock is definitely not me. Me? I’m good for a 5’ 4 man. 😊 I can’t believe I just wrote that. I imagine that future posts will could also discuss cocks, balls, tops, bottoms, vers etc. I’m in mother fucking Palm Springs!
I feel like you could be thinking, well why the hell don’t you just get on Grinder? I don’t do hook up aps. I’ve never been good at them. I don’t know what to say and I always worry they are going to be a serial killer or just a shitty person who steals my things that I worked so hard to obtain. I wonder if I’d be more confident in aps if I was a little bit taller, a little bit thinner and a little bigger in the right places? Not many people flock to a 5’4 man. I realize what I’m saying and what I’m doing because I’ve been carrying the weight of the toos; they are sneaking up on my ass. The truth is I don’t know how to do the small talk on the apps, and I’d much rather meet someone in person, like in line at a grocery store.
Speaking of grocery stores, in Utah I tried my hardest not to go to the store. If I went and I forgot to get something that really, really needed, I’d be so mad at myself. Because that means I’d have to go back and endure that shit again. People were just fucking rude. The last few years the looks at the store have gotten worse, the “faggot” under people’s breath got louder, and I recall a few people walking right towards me, looking at me with no expression on their face. I had to move out of the way of their cart at the last minute or be hit. I’ve been followed in stores and the only reason I can think of was that I was a gay Mexican in UT. This happened as recently as this year, it was by a Walmart employee who was trying to make me feel uncomfortable. She succeeded. If I wasn’t on a social work budget, I wouldn’t have been there in the first place. I did give that bitch a little work out around and went all around the mother fucking store. She followed me the entire time. I finally got tired of it, turned around and said, “CAN I HELP YOU?” She turned and ran into the back.
In Palm Springs I’ve been followed in the grocery store too. It’s just for different reasons. I welcome these reasons. These people want to get down with this 5’4 brown guy. I also have been followed in the local Home Depot, Lowes, Ralphs and Walmart. What glorious experiences! I didn’t know being followed in a store could be so fun, such a turn on. One of these days I’ll have the guts to say yes and fuck that stranger at that gym or the store. For now, I’m in no hurry for anything. I know I’m not getting any younger, but neither are any of these other beautiful men I see er’day. Literally, like every single day there are beautiful men everywhere. I can take my time getting to know myself, the people and this magical place called Palm Springs. I can even take my time learning how it is that I best cruise. My 79-year-old friend and my new Palm Springs family told me I suck at cruising. He said I’m pretty oblivious when it’s happening to me. Maybe I won’t be good at it all and someone will like that about me. I don’t have much game, hardly any at all and that could be the draw of my future husband. Who knows? But I can’t fucking wait to find out!
