Do you have a superpower? Growing up with very little means, soft in so many ways, sprinkle in some childhood trauma would lead to the birth of my imagination. In fact, it runs completely wild sometimes and was the safest place to be (and is proving to be a safe place today). I often thought, “Wouldn’t it be great to have a superpower or to be able to choose or change the superpower you have?” I’ll get back to this in a minute.
Life is hard for most of us and by most of us I mean a good chunk of the LGBTQ population. Especially our trans brothers, sisters, and gender nonconforming, oh and let’s not forget our intersex community members too- because we have them here right in this beautiful, magical, and harsh desert we live in. Hearing their struggles (specifically) is eye opening and would cause a many of you hoes to clutch your pearls. And let’s face it, most of us have been kicked in the puss puss or balls at least once in our lives. I think just mentioning it probably recalled a painful memory for you. (That is, if there is a you and someone is actually reading this besides the obvious stalkers or bullies)
Well, want to know what I think is worse than getting kicked in your junk? Getting kicked right in your spirit. Unlike your balls or puss puss, the spirit takes a long time to heal, and for some it can take a lifetime.
First, I’d like to acknowledge I’m blessed to have a car even if it isn’t a fancy one like many of you folks here in Palm Springs have. But blessed nonetheless, and when I’m driving, I look over to the people on the street and my mind wonders. Especially when I’m pulled over at a stop light, which a lot of you entitled bitches seem to think doesn’t apply to you. (No babe it’s not a suggestion.) I look to the sidewalk, and I see the number of homeless people sleeping, eating, living, and using on the streets of Palm Springs. (Yes, I also know I’m blessed to have a home, the ability to work to keep it and I pray that continues despite creepy people’s efforts.)
I find myself trying to imagine what their story is and what led to their exile or choice to live on the streets? Or what could their story have been given opportunities, like a little bit of kindness and love? and what it could still have the potential to still be? The thought also crosses my mind, “I wonder who it was that kicked them in their spirits?” Maybe they had a bully? Perhaps like many of us they are far away from or estranged from their families and struggled to form a support system here. And let’s be honest, it’s not easy for a lot of people to find their tribe here.
I realize I’m coming off a rough summer and what has proven to be a difficult year, but I admit I’ve had it much worse in my little Mexican life. Then I think about how many times I’ve come close to losing the little I have. I also think about a few people in recent times who have tried to take it away from me, the my sense of safety and security, and my ability to work here in the desert and that just pisses me off.
I admit, I’m a paycheck or two away from being in trouble financially but I have a home, a car, things, and an education. More than a lot of people and less than a lot of people too. In fact, up until recently I was two months past due on most of my bills. The bullying at work, the wrongful termination, the cancer scare, the creepy roommate, and the time it took to get my little business up and running hit me right square in my bills and my credit score. What could have been a bankruptcy wasn’t, but for the help of a few people. I think about those people on the streets and wonder if they ever had a few people in their corner and what that could have changed for them. I sure am grateful for the few people I had in my corner.
Yup, all those things were a big kick to my spirit (except for getting my business up and running- I’m loving that). After a lot of worrying, fear I was going to respond in a way I was going to later regret with some bullies, prayer, gratitude check ins…oh and gummies, I am still here.
I also have my clients to thank for my survival. Helping others is sometimes the most selfish thing I can do and it pays my bills. It makes me feel better, in turn I do better and make better choices. NOOO, I don’t always make the best choices, I’m human. I error too.
As I look at the people on the street, I think in my mind, “I wonder if they worked at my last job too? I wonder if they had the same bully?” See the bully isn’t mine alone, they seldom target just one person. I’ve never been his only target, just his favorite because I was the one who reported his actions of harassment/abuse/discrimination against me and a student he supervised. I wasn’t just going to take it. I was either going to punch him repeatedly or report it. I chose the latter option because I had just got here, I was high on Queer Joy (like I’d never experienced before), and I wanted a chance at happiness. I let a lot of things slide with him but that stops now.
I feel I haven’t fully been allowed the time or given the chance to get on my feet or deepen my roots here just yet; but I am, and I will. There was a fleeting thought that maybe I chose the wrong gay oasis, but that troubling thought left after Thanksgiving. Yes, I’m one of those who get a little weird during the holidays. (There’s a post a comin about that)
So, I do think I have a superpower and I’ve had it my whole life, even as a kid. I find that my light is my superpower and it sure irritates the darkness in the souls of other people. Who knows? Maybe, Taylor Swift was right all along, “I’m the problem it’s me” or Lee. I seem to be the common denominator in a lot of these incidents that lead to people being ugly, evil or mean and boy oh boy have I restrained myself in the last 10 years from responding and saying exactly what I wanted to.
Yes, this little light of mine leads to me being kicked right in the spirit sometimes but I wouldn’t change it for anything because it also attracts the wounded, the ones needing love and a bit of kindness; and that’s where I shine best. People certainly don’t get to treat me however they want, and they don’t get to be mean to you either.
Bullies fucking suck and my light seems to draw them near me. Kinda like those pesky ankle biting mosquitoes, they are attracted to light, they want to suck your blood and infect you with disease. They want to kill your shine and mine. Don’t let them, and I won’t either.
So, the secret is out, I have the power to irritate some people at the deepest level of their core by doing nothing but being me. I’m tired of people being dicks for no reason at all in this lifetime but if it means that I get to show others how to get out of the darkness, it’s worth it. I just can’t always promise that I won’t punch one of them one day.
Look, the bullies aren’t just a me problem, they are a we problem. They target us on TV, in politics, in churches, and then the gay bullies created by that hate attack people like you and me. How do you expect people to heal if you won’t let them? Our community is hurting and in turn do we hurt each other?
My plea to you is make your superpower kindness, love, and a little tenderness to people without any expectations of something in return. (Except for good feelings you get from it.) Kindness is like a muscle, and it takes practice to master it and really make it your default setting. Save the walls and swords of your past battles for when you really need them. In the mean-time exercise that kindness muscle and build muscle memory.
I say give each other and me a chance to heal. We’ve all been through a lot, well at least most of us have. And ask yourself, are your actions because your spirit is bruised? Are you reactive? Does it hurt? Is it healing? Are you going to be okay or does the wound keep getting split open because kindness is sometimes so hard to find in our world? I hope if your spirit is hurt that you don’t turn around and kick someone in their balls, puss puss, or spirit. Let some time pass… time is a great healer. Trust me in that, I know.
May Your Sprits Be Healed & Mine Too,
The Happy Homo
PS When a bully tells you that you “have a menacing grin” smile anyway! What’s menacing to a bully can be a safe haven or a long-awaited solace for others in need. Smile anyways! I’ve made my choice and I’m going to smile anyways! I even put my smile all over a Thanksgiving flier- LOL.
PSS Living in gratitude to this community and many members of our community for trusting in me for your mental health needs, a kind ear, and a warm welcome. Wishing you all happy holidays.
PSSS Manhattan in the Desert has the best potato salad, even better than my mom’s. Don’t tell her I said that.
PSSSS If you haven’t watched the Tyler Perry documentary, “Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story” you should! It brought some happy tears to my eyes.
PSX5 I’m grateful I get to work for myself and I don’t have terrible bosses or bullies at work anymore. Thank GOD/GODDESS.
PSx6 Yesterday, I watched the festival of lights on TV. I’m getting over a cold and didn’t want to share it with everyone, so I stayed home. What a cool fucking event and it touched my heart to see all those young beautiful brown people participating, dancing, singing, and marching. I love looking at the screen and seeing faces that look like mine. I feel it in everyday life too. I see you Latino(a)(x)s and I love seeing you- it makes me happy. I just haven’t experienced that before like I do here. We have brown people in Utah, but nothing like this. It’s amazing.
PSX7 To my bullies fuck you!
PSX8 I was going to originally post this a while ago, then I got a cold and sat on it. I’m glad I did because I like this version a lot better. Because I like the kinder version of me better. I keep telling those bully bitches that there is another side to me, but I don’t think they believe me. Trust me, the kinder side of me is best (for all of us).
PSX9 Also driving around and seeing the bus stops with the anti-homeless measures built in, disguised as art or lean against structures is cruel. It’s just another kick to their spirits and says, “We don’t want you here either.” “This is another place that you don’t belong!”
You are also hurting the old man that can’t stand for very long, the pregnant woman who needs to get off her feet, and the overworked person who just needs to get off their feet for a minute after working two jobs and are on their way home after working extra late for you.
PSX10 It’s been over a month and half since I’ve been off the Kim K titty and I’ve been good. Except for today a client wanted to talk about AHS with Kim K in it and I said, “NOOOOOOOOO! It’s going to make me want to finish watching it!” We will see if I can stay strong.
PSX11 Flex your kindness muscle. Work it out and make it your default and fuck the bullies.
PSX12 I believe in affirmations. Of course affirmations alone is not going to solve or improve your mental health (wellness) but it works for me. Last summer my bestie Toni came out for a visit. We stopped by the Trixie Motel and she purchased a whole bunch of makeup, cups, etc. She’s got a shopping problem. Well as a thank you we received a cute Barbie/Trixie pink lipstick. I wore some when I was cleaning the house and wrote a message, an affirmation on my bathroom mirror. It read, “You’re right on time. & Love them anyway.” A few weeks later as I looked at it after getting out of the shower I thought, “Fuck that.” I don’t need to love them anyway, especially those who show me hate. I changed it to, “You’re right on time & Love anyways.” Cute lipstick. 🙂 and I don’t have time to try and force myself to love mean people who clearly have no love for me. I’ll focus on those that do.
