Hey Baaatches,
Hi or high… what eva, how are you? Seems like 4 eva or 5 Eva since we’ve talked (which is a show on Netflix I wanted to love but I didn’t). Ugh, I’m such a busy bitch these days and such a Busy fan too. Boo, to me and my feelings/emotions for not being able to give 5 Eva more than a fair chance (which means past the 30-minute mark). I twas disappointed in myself for not loving it.
This entry is titled a, “A Friend of Dorothy” because we all are, whether you like her or not- you were/are her friend. Judy really was our friend before we even knew what kindness from complete strangers, or stars could be. She was troubled just like so many of us, but that doesn’t make her less great, amazing or of a star; just like so many of you.
Tonight, I invited a few friends out to watch a screening of, “The Wizard of Oz” with a larger Facebook group here in Palm Motha’ Fuckin Springs. Most of the evening turned out to be amazing. I even met new people, made plans with them, and even “accidently” fell/ sat on a few laps on my out of the middle of the row to the center aisle as I made my way to the restroom to take a piss.
Before we go on, I want to acknowledge that I’m not sure what exactly is going on or happening with me here in Palm Springs. It seems like there’s a little secret that I’m not quite privy to. It makes me believe that there may be a few more people reading this blog than I’m aware of. No, I don’t really know how many people are reading this. There could be 10, 50, or even 100 of you. I’ve never looked at numbers, don’t know how to even find them from the blog platform, and don’t know if I even want to. I think I asked the person who hosts the blog on the website a long time ago if there were any readers and he never responded, so I never really followed up. I’m okay with that. I don’t need to know but it feels good to vent and I think maybe, just maybe someone out there is reading this, understands or relates to it, and that my weird struggles and wannabe whorish experiences help someone along their own wannabe whorish ways, and make them not feel so alone. Because I realize more and more every day that we are in this together, whether we like it or not.
As I attempt to figure it out, I do know that it just feels different than my normal. It leads me to believe there could possibly be a couple of you out there actually reading this. Which is sooo weird to me to finally actually have a voice. Let me clarify, it’s happy weird feelings that I can get used to and I might possibly be sporting a semi boner just thinking about it. Cool.
Heck, I even got a new client out of my blog. Yaaas I did, they actually told me that. It makes little ol’ gay me a super happy homo. Not all of my interactions are positive here, I’m a human being just like you and there are haters, just like the ones you have. All this information, after some introspective anal-ysis might be one of the reasons why I haven’t posted, besides being Busy AF. (Which I’m so grateful for.)
I just hope I don’t fuck it up or say, do the wrong thing, because I often do that because again, I’m human. I also hope I don’t screw it up cause ya’ll happy, sad, and angry homos are some judgy bitches and I love you for it, in spite of it, because of it and just cause we are in the middle of a desert, in a chosen community, connected at the wiener and booty hoe/holes whether you like it or not.
I admit after a weird few months a while back, I’m still assessing for danger, threats, and crazy borderline bitches that our community has more than its fair share of. Which leads me to ask, does trauma create borderline bitches? Well yaaas Amigas de Judy, it does. According to Miss Google:
What is the main cause of borderline personality disorder?
Environmental, cultural, and social factors: Many people with borderline personality disorder report experiencing traumatic life events, such as abuse, abandonment, or hardship during childhood. Others may have been exposed to unstable, invalidating relationships or conflicts.
Did that not just describe 75% of us? Yaaas Amigas de Judy, it does (or at least 60%). You’ve heard of that saying, “Hurt people -hurt people.” Well, it’s no secret that our community hurts (let’s not forget it also includes the T for trans people, the most attacked people of today). *Just check out Utah politics- gross.*
We happy, sad, and angry homos also get the short end of the stick and who wants just the short end? I want the whole dick, I mean stick motha flicka. I want the whole opportunity, the whole treating me like everybody else, the whole hole, the whole entire penis, the entire pie equally accessible, and the whole thrive. Just like everybody else deserves love and respect (unless verbally instructed out of your own mouth otherwise), YOU and I do too. Many of us have sought refuge here and fled unwelcoming environments because the trauma reached a tipping point over the last few years. We could have chosen to be suffocated by it, deal and accept it (if we could safely) or flee from it. I chose to flee from it like some of you did too. American refugees- in the land of the free; aint that some shit? (And bitch I know aint aint a motha fuckin word- get ova it.)
Nonetheless, many of us carry a lifetime of trauma on our shoulders placed there before we even arrived here. It has the power to embolize us or make us reactive. For some weird human reason, we like to hurt people just like people hurt us. We strive to make them feel as small and insignificant as those rude hate filled bigots made us feel at a point or various points of our life.
I’m sure my best whore friend Josh would be so excited to talk about how not kind I was to people at different times of my own life growing up. And what? I’m doing better, aren’t I? I told you I have a Britnay Spear of my own. It’s hard to do better or even want to when you can’t breathe, when people are standing on your neck. It’s equally as hard when people intentionally fuck with your peace and safety all the time.
But this time it feels different. This time I feel like, well… like I could and maybe should share love through a blog- like someone will actually listen to me. So, if you are there and reading this- I love you (except if you’re Ian). I hate that bitch. What?
I know.. I know… I’m a therapist. I never said I was perfect and it’s something that I’m working on, perfection is hard to obtain and I’m no longer seeking perfection. I just want a chance to actually be happy, a chance at the whole thrive like we all deserve.
Yup, I’m saying that the hate I have for Ian is real and its something that I will work on, but I’m not there yet; not today. That bitch did me real dirty and we don’t even know each other. And I find that just as disgusting as the bigots I encountered in Utah. I find his actions worse and even dirtier than the vacant eyed hooker that moved in and lied about me last summer, and I don’t like Ian more than then I don’t like my own dad. *And Ian I know you read this- you gross bitch of a human being… so fuck you – you disgusting, evil and vile borderline bitch. I see just who you are and it’s grosses me out. *winks* Yup, something I’m still workin on.
So, I beg your forgiveness as I take my time to venture out to taste the freedom in my mouth, swallow it, and take it deep inside me. I’m still assessing who is friend and who is foe. Who are you friends with? Dorothy? Judy? Ew, Ian? Because there are definitely foes out here and Judy and Dorothy are not my foes.
I was hoping our Gay Mecca would be a little kinder. A little bit more, “Hey go ahead and put down your Britnay Spear and come out from behind those walls cause it’s safe here.” But WTF? Duh, what was I thinking? I’m a horny hopeless romantic and daydreamer and I so easily set aside some of my own trauma and my walls cause I was so eager to set it down for the first time and feel free.
But alas, we are in America and so many of our community members carry their own trauma and in their trauma it can be hard to see someone else succeed or thrive. Some may think and react, “Why not me?”(future blog post) It seems like we find it so hard to be happy for each other.
Like two Ruples episodes ago …when Morphine said she couldn’t allow Saphira to be happy in her win. I thought, “Ewww- gross.” I don’t care if you are from Miami or not- we are in this gay battle for our freedoms together, whether we like it or not. Being happy for each other and lifting each other up is part of winning that battle. Don’t do the work for the Republicans/Utah/Florida/the South. There are so many weird bitches like that out in the world that can’t be happy for you. (But then again it is Drag Race and they are drag queens but I still can’t wait for Down the Drain Jane to get the ol’ Ru’by red boot off the show.
If you can’t let someone else enjoy happiness in the best times of their life (so far), then what kind of trauma are you holding on to? I will say that I am a Morphine fan. That JLo/Whitney headdress was er’thang. I just feel that line didn’t do you (her) any justice gurrrrl. At least not in my humble gay almost thriving opinion. And speaking about this season of Ruples… ya’ll white bitches NEED to stop trying to ruin Saphira’s happiness in all her many wins. Raaaauude! Saphira, g to the urrrl, I’m happy for you and your wins. You (she) are (is) a lot kinder in those moments than I think my own inner drag queen would have allowed me to be. What? I said I wasn’t perfect
*winks* Yup, workin on it.. workin on me.
Trying to navigate and even feel our feels is part of this whole being a human experience. Our queer community members sometimes forget that after our own safety and security is addressed that we can, need and should move forward and live our best lives as hard or as soft as we feel comfortable with. Like it or not, we are in this together- hard or soft. Desert rats – desert bunnies…. We are all in this queer ecosphere/ Gay Mecca together- like it or not. Why make it unpleasant for one another? We all deserve to survive and one day thrive here. Yes, I feel that way for everyone except for Ian, fuck you bitch. (*winks* Yup, I’m still a work in progress.)
TRAUMA is not only the why, but the who and the when to our actions and inactions. My good and loving goddess, you can turn on the TV and get blasted with messages of hate towards our community. I look back at the life I left in Utah and I’m so glad that I left. There is so much anti-trans crap in the state legislature right now and always, it’s disgusting. For being an oppressed people, the Mormons sure the hell know how to oppress others. Just like Netanyahu is proving to be now. The oppressed become the oppressors. Well, I’m just proud to say NOOOO MOOORE! No, you can’t oppress me anymore. The only moooore I want is Mandy Moore. I’m here, I’m queer as FUCK- and I deserve the whole thrive. Not just the tip. Let me have the whole thing, the whole thrive!
Let’s just be happy for each other… can we do that? You made it here and so did I, finally. Let’s be happy together or for each other. We can do it together or on our own separately- 4 eva or 5 eva. We should celebrate each other’s happiness more and try to enhance it if we can.
Why not? What’s the alternative? Be mean? That doesn’t sound like a good option for me- unless that’s where you expect people to meet you. I prefer to not meet there and to just meat elsewhere, or go our own separate ways in peace. Of all the places in the world, should we be at war here in our own community?
Yes, there are some shady bitches here. And I hate one of you with a passion, but everyone else well… I’ll treat you with respect and meet or meat you (or not) where you want. Ian (in my opinion) you are a crazy, disgusting peace of human filth and I think I’ll always hate you. You disgust me. Looking at you is disgusting to me. And if you fuck with that bitch, I hope we just go peacefully in two different directions; no meet or meating necessary or desired no matter what you look like or who you are. *Yup, still a work in progress but I don’t like that bitch, never will*
Gosh, that is a long intro for just wanting to say how excited I was tonight to go see, “The Wizard of Oz” on the big screen. It made think want to click my Ru’by red shoes and say, “There’s no place like my new home… there’s no place like my new home.” I don’t ever plan on moving back to Utah 4 or 5 eva, like neva. No matter how many evas you gotz for me, I don’t want go back to a place of oppression. And I don’t expect to be oppressed here either.
Utah totes sucked and I’m so glad to be here. And I’m not going back… and I’m telling you I’m not going back.
*insert Jennifer Hudson video, “And I AM telling You I’m Not Going.”
So tonight seemed like you knew a secret that I don’t. That’s okay, I don’t know if I’m ready to know or if want to know yet. I just want to be me. I just want to be free. I know we are in the land of dicks and hunnies, and I know I could use a little more bravery within our sphere at times, I fully admit it. It still feels like I just got here, so afford me a little time to acclimate. I’ll cum around and around and around again.
We are in this together, whether we like it or not. Are we going to do the work of the red hat devils for them? Or are we going to stand together against them, vote against them, and stand up in unity for freedom? We can’t completely blame ourselves for what the world has done to us and the defense mechanisms we create, including borderline characteristics. But we can do better than they ever wanted us to, or even better than we thought we could.
If you have trauma, what are you going to do with it? Can you grow something beautiful with it? I bet ya can.
There’s No Place Like My New Home- No Place Like My New Home,
The Happy Homo
PS This post was supposed to be my message to the world that I withdrew my case with the EEOC against my former employer. At least that was my thought before I smoked weed and wrote something completely different. Yes, I submitted for that request on Saturday. The verification is the letter below and I thought since we are in this together that I’d share. You’re welcome to read if you want. The takeaway is I’m happier than I have ever been in my whole life and I can’t imagine how much more joy one can feel before they go up in a big ball of light. I hope its so much more joy because I deserve it and so do you (most of you- except Ian- yup, I’m a work in progress).
PSS My clicky clack is back is… There’s no place like Palm Motha’ Fuckin Springs… there’s no place like Palm Springs….” “Dicks…. Rainbows…Daddies and Bears Oh MY!
PSSS HAAAAAAA! “Miss Incontinental” 😊 that was er’thang.
PSSSS I’m on this kick …where I don’t want to hate anybody but that’s just not possible right now. Remember the work in progress thing? I’m just not there yet hoe! However, I’ll have you know I don’t even hate that vacant, soulless eyed hooker that ruined last summer for me. *insert Scream mask*
I still know what you did last summer, hoe! What that crazy hooker did last summer is what crazy hookers do… she hustled me…cause that is what he do. I’m not special or immune to believing people are who they say they are- and then finding out I got hustled. Its what hustlers do… hustle, lie, and then move on to the next victim. I don’t hate her. I don’t like dat bitch. I hope to never see that lying hoe again. She reveals who she is …just give her enough time and space to do so. (Next post talks about why I’m doing my taxes and including that month he paid me rent and deposit as income. Or maybe it will stay out of it and go in a book… Hmmm… maybe there’s a book in my future. Universe, are you listening? Grant me that wish and so many more.)
PSX5 A few nights after I wrote this entry I went out with a neighbor down to Arenas. We pregamed it at her house. She said, “I have to admit I google stalked you and all the stuff you did from Utah… well I was surprised to see that you were so accomplished.” “I thought you were 30.” To that I would say after thinking and sleeping on it… well bitch… you should have said I look 28. LOL, and as far as accomplished… that is the last feeling that Utah ever made me feel. Every sense of pride I tried to gain they tried even harder to rob me of it. Leaving me with a void and pain. No wonder I lost myself to meth in my younger years like so many of us do. It’s not easy to be us, we aren’t left with many other choices. So don’t hate on people who are struggling- you have no idea what their why is.
And accomplished? I’ve never felt that… paid my dues… Yes – why yes motha fuckers I have felt that I’ve over paid my dues, over and over again. But accomplished- I haven’t been allowed to feel that. I hope I get to feel that here… with you. 😊 (or without you)
PSX6 Tonight was a proof-reading night. Sometimes I write and I’m stoned and it only makes sense to me so I have to go back through it when I’m not as stoned LOL. Also, I experienced driving a Tesla for the first time tonight. It was sooo fuckin cool. As much as I don’t like that white entitled gross bigoted bastard who makes the cars– I sadly love the cars. Fuckin cool. Him not so much.
PSx7 Ruples, JLo, Whitney, all the Divas (a future post about that too), this blog, friends and work is my therapy. Thank you for being part of making me a better person…a work in progress. And fuck you Ian.
PSX8 My letter to the EEOC withdrawing my complaint :
