As a gay man I can admit I totes hate douching, but momma always said cleanliness is near to godliness or something like that. What’s douching you say? Well, washing out your hole, sprinkling yo’ insides out, watering the starfish down below, clearing the landing strip, removing the any leftover shit from yo’ anus, and prepping for maximum loads. LOL
Whether it’s literal or metaphorical, douching is part of a gay man’s life in some way, shape or form. We often need to take account of our lives and douche the excess shit that no longer serves us, a purpose, and/or is determinantal to our mental health and wellbeing. These things are sometimes necessary and if you don’t pay attention to it, life tends to make you suddenly aware you are at the max capacity for shit and something has to give or go.
Fine, this story isn’t really a post about douching… it is rather a deterrent for any nosey family members from Utah that would read, “Douching” or “Part of a Gay Man’s Life” and hurry and click off the page. Yup, I have some nosey family members who like to try and tell people what to do from many miles away after not talking to me for a long time, and their requests are not always for my benefit, but their own.
So, you ask, “What this post is really about?”
Well bitch, I’m glad you asked cause I was just about to tell you. It’s about mommies, mummies, madres, and boundary busting intruders (which often = boundary busting intruding moms). The title really is: Mother’s Day? (A Somewhat Universal Experience.)
Mother’s Day is only supposed to be once a year, isn’t it? Like literally one day, right? Well, my mommy came to Palm Springs for a visit, and she’s staying with me. She is not only having a Mother’s Day, but is taking a much-needed Mother’s weekend, which has turned into a Madre Dearest Month. Me also thinks …. she might be celebrating a Madre Month + a few more weeks yet. YIKES and YUM! (Yes, I’m conflicted because she cooks yummy food, I love her, and I’ve missed her and the food.)
To be honest, it’s about time she did something for her dang self. As some of you may have read previously, she was granted her divorce about a month ago. She’s now adjusting to her life without the excess shit she’s been carrying around with her for 53 years; aka my alleged dad.
Btw, I’m not exaggerating. She is…she really is taking a Mother’s Month. Yup, the whole thing (just like her gay douching son says, “I want it ALL.”). (By the time anyone has read this she has left PS. She didn’t want me to let anyone in Utah know she was here because …. Well because she just got out of a terrible marriage with an unstable guy, where she was told what to do all the time. And someone told her not to tell anyone she was here. Dumb, right? Well, I think it is cause she should be able to do what ever the fuck she wants. Besides, he knows better than to show up here.)
Today as I returned home from work I was shocked, surprised, speechless, verklempt, clutching my nonexistent pearls, and left gasping fo’ air while my eyes went darting back and forth noticing that everything had been moved around in my home (yup, eyes to and motha fuckin fro as I walked through the rooms). Then I inhaled and told myself, “Remember this is your mom and you need to calm yo’ titties gurrl. CALM YO’ TITTIES GURRRL!!!” I exhaled and thought to myself, just breathe….this is my Madre Dearest- calm titties. In that moment I realized there was a delicious homemade tortilla smell wafting throughout my home; this is my Madre Dearest.
Yes, I came home to tortilla smell and my patio furniture having been taken all apart and reshaped into new sections on said patio. After I took that in, I walked around and inhaled deeply as my eyes continued to dart to and fro! I noticed that some of my plants were moved around to new locations too. I did a quick accounting of things in one room, took it all in and went to the next.
Yes, Madre Dearest happens to be a plant lova lova too. In fact, I think I might have caught or inherited the green thumb from her (only mine are less skilled and more deadly. I admit I don’t have as many survivor stories as she does, but I sure do try.) There is something healing and rewarding about being around plants.
I needed to get out of my house and quickly asked if she wanted to go to Lowe’s for MORE plant crap. I know her weakness and it worked. She was hooked and as my little brain processed all the boundary violations, I quickly reminded myself as I closed the garage door, “Yes, this is your Madre Dearest. Calm tits are good tits.”
We made our way to Lowes (I love that place for many reasons including that it’s cruisy). We were picking up some small dowel rods in an attempt to make hummingbird perches; since my Madre Dearest removed all of the sticks that I strategically placed throughout the backyard for my little bird friends to perch upon.
No, she didn’t stop after removing the strategically placed sticks and she didn’t start there either. It first started with some rearranging of my cabinet’s contents and fixing or rigging the pantry door that the creepy dude last summer broke. Again, that’s after walking into the bathroom when I was showering to ask me if I wanted breakfast. And before rearranging my living room, sofas, and everything else that was movable in that room. In between those boundary violations, she also scrubbed the bathroom after I had already cleaned it, cut my shower curtain so that it didn’t drape on the floor, and moved some of the bathroom things around too. This was before rewashing the bathroom rugs in the guest bathroom, all the while telling me that my toilet paper is too soft and that I need to make my bed; which I’m refusing. I replied, “I don’t use sandpaper to wipe my ass in this house. I want it to feel like I’m getting kissed on my butt by a gentle angle every time I wipe.”
Nope, and yes read that right! I don’t make my bed for a few different reasons. After coming home on another day to my bed being made, I quickly unmade it, “No, my babies use those blankets all day.” My dogs were shivering on top of a neatly made bed with their folded blankets put away and nowhere for them to tunnel into for napping.
NOT MY BABIES! NOT Ma’ Po’ Babies. MY PO’ FREEZING BABIES!
And I’ll have you know my Madre Dearest is even more of a stick in the mud than I am. I made her sin and go to her first gay bar. (I use that term only cause its funny that “religious” people think so horribly about gay people and don’t actually live in the love like they are supposed to). It wasn’t just her first gay bar, it was her first bar of any kind ever, EVER!
Palm Springs was the best kind of culture shock for me and proved to be a culture shock for my Madre Dearest too. Granted, I’m adjusting just fine (now after learning a couple hard lessons) and fully looking forward to this summer. But I’m trying to break her in softly, so she doesn’t go back and talk shit (like Mexican Catholic mom’s do) without getting the opportunity to experience or understand what it is she would be talking shit about. That’s just what religious people do, and my mom is a believer and that’s where I get that too. I know there’s so much more that our eyes can’t see.)
Before she went to the gay bar, I got her to watch Ruples with me on TV (3 episodes- including the finale). The next step or push I want her to take or be forced to take is a live drag show. My sweet friend and neighbor tried to give me tickets last Sunday to a show, but my Madre Dearest said she didn’t feel comfortable. She asked me, “Do they get naked? I don’t want to see naked. I don’t want to see wieners” I told her, “Well, I sure do.”
“No, Mom they don’t’ get naked. It’s just like what you saw on tv. They lip sync, dance and then get naked on stage.” “Just kidding they don’t get naked… well not usually during the set.” Regardless of what I said she wasn’t ready for a in person drag show. (Remember were Utah people and that Utah bubble binds all of its inhabitants together – Mormon, Catholic or not- we get influenced.)
Slowly and Shirley, I will get her to a show. And I’m pretty sure she’s already found the dildo I was gifted last month; that nosey Madre of mine. That’s your (her) own fault if you (she) did. She even threatened to scrub by bathroom sink… which made me get the CLR and scrub the shit out of it myself. Yup, you guessed it right, she ended up cleaning it after I did it, and damn it … it looked better than when I did it.
That’s the theme of this first of many visits (I hope). Everything she has touched has turned out soooo much better than I had it, did it, cleaned it, arranged, or positioned it in this gay world of minez.
You heard me correctly, my kitchen looks better, my living room is more inviting and better, my pantry is better organized and fixed, my patio is rearranged and I’m in love with it, but I will not make this dang bed o’minez. MINEZ, not herz. Literally, everything looks better since she has touched it with her Madre Dearest judgy, cleaning, and not able to sit still hands.
Like gagarella how does she do that? She has a way with things and can envision how it could look better than I had it before (or better than most people had it). And most of the time she’s right. Okay like 90%, she’s right. I’ll be a son of a bitch, – she is just better at things than I am and makes things better. How do I get mad at someone cleaning my house or rearranging things so that I can get more use out of the limited space I have? The answer is I don’t. I say thank you and if you find my dildo that’s your fault for getting too nosey and you should have calmed yo’ own titties lady.
I’ve even started to break her in with gay Palm Springs summer wear. Today, I wore one of my longer pair of booty shorts and a tank top just to test the waters. I thought to myself, “This is Me Now… Madre Dearest!” Calm tits to Jesus, slutty tank tops, and shorts so very short er’thang is praising God, Buddha, JLo and the Santa Muerte. This is how I feel most comfortable, and I like to be comfortable, secure and safe. Always holding that reminder or thought again… and again -not everyone here has your or my best interest in mind. Walking that fine line of caution and wannabe whore is kinda tricky and new to me.
On the Lowe’s run, we stopped by Raising Cane’s for chicken sandwiches (I also love that place also for obvy reasons). After we ate our dinner on the patio we started working in the patio area. She fixed the area or ground where my fountain is (cause before it was slightly slanted backwards).
She then began to boss me around… she was a good director/instructor and I’d like to think that we did all these “updates” together, even if that’s not the entire truth. In my mind it was a Madre Dearest and her adorable gay son kinda moment(s).
So, we fixed the fountain, repotted plants, and arranged and rearranged things on the back patio and it got me thinking about how blessed I am to be here in Palm Springs and what a blessing it is to have my Mommy visit. I’m so glad she is here.
In Gratitude,
The Happy Homo
PS In star news did you notice that the Sirius Star was extra bright and twinkly tonight? I think I was too, but it might have been the weed after finishing my assigned chores. Yup, chores. I’m doing motha’ tuckin chores up in my own house, but I’m not making my bed.
PSS did you know that Sirius is in the Canis Major, also known as the Dog Star? I love dogs and I also love the flicker of the Sirius Star. Sirius I do! So Sirius! Siriusly love dogs.
PSSS What ever happened to JRod the alien? Where are they/them? We are sooo not alone. Need a refresher? Go to video … around 3:40 in the video. Not J Lee or JLo… but JRod. Where are they/them? and are we nice to them? Do they treat them kindly?
PSSSS My little casa or Castillo is turning out to be cute. Aaaah… I love it but I’d also love my own private pool with a private backyard where I can do, wear, and be however I want. Putting it out there for the universe to grant as I manifest it. Palm Springs magic sprinkle or tinkle or twinkle all that magic over me, in me, on me, and inside me.
PSX5 I love Lowes because they give back to the community and they have the first African American CEO, “Ellison is the first African American to be President and CEO of two Fortune 500 corporations.”
PSX6 OMFG I’m so late on Ruples talk. Ya’ll know I love my Ruples. Did you all love that the “Eeyore of Drag”, Megami sent all those bitches home in the LipSync Lalaparuza? It gave me life! That’s what they get for underestimating that bitch. I also think that Mirage beat Morphine in that lip sync. Them coins should have been heriz.
PSX7 The Finale, holy shit that was awesome. Congrats to Nymphia Wind for giving JLo performance vibes. Rounds of APPLAUSE! Also that Wonder Woman attire that Saphire or Sapphira Cristal wore was bad aaaaass! Loved this season but last season will always be my #1.
PSX8 Sasha Colby was goooorge! I want tickets to her show. Who wants to go with me? She’s always best. Even if she wasn’t competing- she won again!
PSX9 See this post was actually about douching after all. My mom douched the shit out of her life and then came and rearranged mine. 😊 Congrats Madre Dearest, I love you.
PSX10 My little mom is also saying to everything that I tell her I’m doing, “AND DON’T FUCK IT UP!”
