I wanted to take a moment to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving. For me, this holiday is filled with mixed emotions. Some happy and some not so happy. Well, if I’m honest, this holiday, my birthday and Christmas are all burdened with different emotions. I prefer not to celebrate any of them 😊 but always do. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time where you see loved ones, eat until you have to unbutton your pants, enjoy each other’s presence and just feel comfortable surrounded by the love of your family. Yea, supposed to be.
The holidays can be hard for many of us in the LGBTQ community. Although over time, some families have become more accepting and inclusive about us, the often-forgotten uncle, son, brother, nephew, and now dad. I still feel the void, it’s been many years in the making. Sometimes it reminds me of how forgotten I feel the rest of the year; see a whole bunch of emotions.
For me, my family (not all) doesn’t usually call to invite me to the movies (unless I’m paying), out to eat (unless I’m paying), hiking, camping, ATVing (if that is a verb), boating, golfing, vacationing and not even to poker nights. They do call however if they need information on something, need help with court stuff, need a padrino, or need something from me. I don’t know if it’s a response to my own defense mechanism and self-preservation or if I’ve been unknowingly putting up barriers, but I really don’t think that’s it. Family would seldom come to my home in Utah to visit and it would bother me because I lived right down the street. It was always me who had to do the visiting or inviting. I think people got use to my absence and are okay with just the memory or thought me; at least that’s how I felt. I’m entitled to my own feelings. For example, one year at a quinceanera I didn’t even have a chair at the family table. Now that’s some telling shit, not only to me, but to everyone else in attendance.
Now that I moved to Palm Springs, I feel a sense of relief from the pressures of the obligatory Thanksgiving visit and I’m not going to miss the weird and awkward silences or looks I’ve come to know since coming out many years ago. For example, last year- that was a weird Thanksgiving. Now I live too far away from everyone which makes it easier for me to swallow my feelings of forgottenness and chalk it up to distance. I mean, for some specific family members, it feels like this distance was always there and time hasn’t affected it at all. For others that distance is newer, some cultivated by the traitor trump era and others that’s just when it happened to of begun.
Don’t get me wrong I have some great family members, my baby brother is totally tits! Not just cause he has a small b – big a cup, but because he’s just a nice guy and is there for me if I need him. I’m not going to list all the great things about who is who, or what is what, they should know if they are there for me, my caller ID don’t lie. And I’ve had some fun Thanksgivings too, but there is always the feeling of walking away a little worse because you see how some family is with others and feel a little resentment- I wanted to know what that felt like too.
I think that’s where you come in. Sometimes we turn our friends into family because we have to. I’ve done that most of my life. Lots of different fill in families, they were lots of fun and my time with them was very much loved and appreciated.
With the recent murders of our LGBTQ community members at Club Q its more vital than ever to be there for each other, to offer love and kindness to one another and to just not have to worry about someone being a dick for reasons unknown to you. Although if we think hard enough- bigotry does pop into mind and that usually is their reason. I always blame it on my small pores and good skin but deep down I think its bigotry and power. This tragedy has acted as a reminder that we have to be there for each other, our community is our family. Sometimes we have to fight for our families- to keep them safe, to keep them alive; just like the Veteran and Transwoman heroes emerged in CO- you have to stand up for each other.
So, this void that I’ve had for a while has become comfortable, sad but true. I feel safer in that void and know that I’m not going to leave it any sadder than when I entered it (like homes). With that being said, our voids, no not butt holes boys but the voids in our hearts are very much there for many of us. Sorry to those that thought this was a naughty butt hole post. Nope, not about butt holes- although there will be more naughty adventures in future posts.
That leaves you with the question, if you have a void in your heart, do you keep it? Do you fill it with friends? Do you try to reconnect with estranged family? Is it even safe to? Will you leave there feeling worse than when you arrived? Whatever the answer is for you- I honor it. I see you, hold space for you in my heart and out of love wish you the very best outcome.
As for me, I’ll be filling my void with one of my newest, oldest, and favorite family members, Ron. I am writing this and posting it out of chronological order with future posts. Yup, I’ve got other posts that introduce and talk about Ron, but I haven’t reached the point of posting them yet.
Short little brief about him:
Ron is going to be 80 soon. He’s an old cunty bitch and I wouldn’t change a mother fucking thing. Okay, I would change his grip on his credit card- LOL. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve asked for it to go shopping but that old bitch has it tightly gripped in his adorable old man fingers. All joking aside, I met Ron from his daughter. I was in Utah then. She joined a Gay Men’s Chat room and asked for recommendations for a safe and accepting SNFs or assisted living facilities in UT; as she had a gay dad in Palm Springs, and it was time she brought him closer to her. I read that post and immediately responded. I ended up saying that age group currently in the SNFs or assisted living facilities are not very accepting of gay people and if he went there, the remaining years could be worse than if she left him in PS. I told her that’s the gay man’s dream, Palm Springs. We dream of retiring and moving there to grow old in a safe and accepting environment. In short, we go there get old and die. That’s the dream! Also, Ron’s husband passed away 4 years ago, and the grief was really hard on him. Then shortly after he had a fall and broke his hip or a needed a surgery that put him off his feet for a while. Oh, don’t fuss, he got a new hip or upgraded body part and that bitch will be taking it out for a night on the town soon. She ready! That said, I offered to meet him and check on him from time to time if it would make it easier to keep him in PS. I didn’t realize that I would absolutely adore and befriend this old bird, but I am glad we connected. Everyone should have an 80-year-old friend- they are so fun! They actually appreciate you. You can see it on their faces, and you feel it. It’s a good feeling.
So, as I close, if you don’t have that void mentioned above, I’m happy for you. If this is your first year with a void- I’m sorry and there is a whole community that is ready to fill your butt hole… I mean void in in Palm Springs. If you are filling your void with friends, may you be blessed to have a few good ones like I do.
Happy Thanksgiving and Much Love,
The Happy Homo