1. They are dirty ol’ birds and sometimes they try to get a little grabby. If this happens and they get too handsy, you just walk briskly in any direction to free yourself.
  2. Older men tend to not eat very much. That means they are generous with the food they order and don’t mind sharing. Remember to order something they don’t order. Encourage them to get the entrée you really want but its too expensive for your budget.  Remember DON’T order something they order. Your inner fat girl will thank you for it, mine did.
  3. Many of them don’t hear too well. That means that you don’t have to go to a club where you can’t even hear the other person talking because the music is too loud. “What?” and “Huh” will be a phrase you get used to hearing but it won’t be because the music is too loud. Its cause he can’t hear you.  But he can hear the television at the softest volume level there is. Ya, that shit he can hear.
  4. They enjoy being around you. The appreciation is seen on their faces and in their actions. It’s too cute. And they are actually fucking funny. They got jokes! And they have a handicap placard hanging from their car mirrors. That means you get princess parking for life! Yay!
  5. Old men are often very blunt and say some crude but funny shit. Things you think but know it’s too inappropriate to say.  Well now you don’t have to just think it- he’ll say it! You get to laugh and still have his age to blame for the loss of his filter. (This also means that he will be brutally honest with you too. Example: “You sure are gaining a little weight.” And “You sure you don’t want a salad instead?”, oh and my absolute favorite “What the fuck do you want now?”)
  6. If you change in front of them, you can give ‘em a flash of your junk or your booty, and you get good karma credits to be awarded to you when you are 80 years old. That means when you are elderly you just may have a 40 something year old (that looks 30ish) flash you. 😉
  7. The older gentleman usually wants to go home earlier then people your own age. If your astrological sign is Cancer and you love being home, like me, this is a huge benefit. I get to go home, get in my pjs and be with the puppies by 9 or 9:30 PM. Where’s that remote control???
  8.  They are usually on time for any plans you may have; in fact, they are early for everything!  This also doubles up as a personal calendar reminder because once they realize you are terrible with dates, times, names, people, and things, they will remind you often. This may have a ripple effect, and you could end up improving on your own time commitments. Gurl, you know I’m lying. You gonna be late!
  9. An 80-year-old gay man is usually down to diddle your pickle at a drop of a hat. Now, I haven’t tried this one out yet, but it’s true the offer is always there.  I think if you do this, you will also gain good karma credits for when you are 80 years old. 
  10. They have great stories, you just need to ask a question about their experience growing up gay and you realize as tuff as it is for us at times, you probably have it easier. It puts things into perspective.  These dusty ol’ broads have been fighting their whole lives so that you could get married. Respect!
  11. There’s not usually a superficiality aspect to them.  They don’t give a fuuuuck!  That means you don’t have to stay current on new music- because they are not going to know it! You also get a history lesson on artists of yesteryear.  Who knew there was all this other music other than JLo and Xtina? Meh.
  12. Sometimes they get grumpy, and you get to say, “Oh my you grumpy old bitch.”  That usually puts a smile on their face, and you get to call them a bitch. But you probably already do often as a term of endearment, I’m sure.
  13. If you work full time and need to have something in your home serviced, you don’t have to use your sick leave to accommodate anymore. They don’t mind stopping by your house to let the cable provider, plumber, or electrician in and watch them like a hawk. Especially if he is cute. If he is, then your senior friend will be watching him for other reasons. And remember, they are just as protective over your shit as their own. They won’t hesitate to cuss a mother fucker out on your behalf. You can trust them in your house. They aren’t gonna steal nothing from you boo. They don’t want more shit, they trying to get rid of the stuff they don’t need anymore. He don’t want your Walmart cloth purple napkins girl. You safe.
  14. This can be a hard world for us. Especially if you come from Utah.  You get use to people wanting to hurt you in some weird way, if even by just words. An 80-year-old gay man is always going to have your back. Sometimes it’s hard-to-find people who truly want the best for you – well he do. You just can tell. Its adorbs. The best is when he’s gonna say, “You drink too much” as he takes a drink out of his big ass glass of mostly whiskey. You’ll probably respond like, “Um, bitch you drink like everyday.”
  15. They are so sweet. Grumpy and moody, but sweet. It makes your heart feel so good and you grow as a person. It’s like having the coolest and kindest grandpa that can drink you under the table any day of the week and on weekends. And you’ll be home by 8:44 PM.  All these old queens can drink even the most seasoned party girl under the table.  He’s retired, they all are and they love a stiff one and a drink too. Also remember- they do free pouring in Palm Springs. You are going to get fucked up. *Side eye* It aint a race bitch, take your time.

15 Reasons to Befriend an 80-Year-Old Gay Man

Palm Springs is a gay man’s mecca.  If you are an ageist – this is not the place for you. If you have problems with old gay men checking you out, hitting on you, or objectifying you- this is not the place for you. They are so flattering and are good for those of us who needed a reminder and a little boost. However, it’s not all dicks and rainbows here babe. I do hear from other minorities there is some racism here. Why a community that suffers from societal abuse is so quick to impose it on others is beyond me! I hear some old white gay men are still republicans and not very friendly to black and brown people. I have not experienced this yet and so far, it’s the opposite. People out here seem to love to hump them some Mexicans.  This feels new to me. In Utah, it didn’t feel like this at all.

In my experience the things people feel out is –

 1. Do you have a job

2.  Do you have a home?  Seems to offer them some comfort to know you are purchasing and not renting. Don’t know why but it does.

3.  Are you single?  Well, its just a question because they don’t care. In fact, they may be married themselves and have mutual agreements for open relationships. That means they have permission to fuck and their husbands want to hear all about it when they get home.  This is a new idea for me.  Its not really cheating if you have permission. The only married men I’ve slept with were married to women. That’s the old me. She gone, put away. Let that bitch get dusty. With that said- always make sure you have permission. You don’t want some crazy bitch start being rude to you at a swimming pool party for making out with their boyfriend’s penis. Not saying this happened to me but not saying it didn’t. 

So, in closing, I truly encourage you to expand your friendship circle to include a senior.  They are good friends. It’s the best and most rewarding thing I’ve done in a long time.   And, to be honest, this list started out as a top 10 reasons why and turned into top 15 cause that old bitch surprises me and keeps me on my toes. There was just too much good stuff to chose from. 

Palm Springs motha fucka!  I love it.

The Happy Homo