I feel I must confess, forgive me Daddies for I have sinned. I committed a few gay cardinal sins on this day. And on gay Sabbath, Halloween. I’m a terrible gay stoner and for my actions I’m on my knees repenting.
I was invited to a Halloween party and for the second year in a row I attended. Earlier that day I thought to myself, “Cute chunky self what do you want to be today?” I initially was going to be the Pringles guy and make my own “Pringles Grab and Go” container, with the idea that I would be grabbed where I needed it and would go after I was done, but I ran out of time. I’d taken the day off work in anticipation of making a costume during the day but failed. I smoked some bomb ass weed and it felt so good to be lazy and not think.
Yaaas, I had the day off and decided to do my own version of “wake and bake” and eat Indian food all the live long day (heavy on the heat and heavy on the servings). After I ate until I couldn’t possibly fit in another bite, I looked at the clock. Yay, I’ll have enough time for a wittle nappy before the party. I ended up falling right into a fat food coma with my dogs. I was stoner in gluttonous heaven. I’d like to think that my normal (not stoned) brain would’ve realized that I really didn’t have time for a wittle nappy – if I wanted to make the Pringles costume; but again, twas stoned af! Alas, I didn’t have the time to make the costume I wanted.
Let’s go back a week….
Last week was Leather Pride and I admit I’m intrigued by it all, and it may at times give me a boner! I want to dip my nervous toe (or something else) in a bit. In the week leading up to it LP weekend, I found myself going through the fliers for events and recognized a couple of local people on said fliers. There’s that one guy from that one place…. And on this other flier is the cigar daddy who is married to that other guy who is always nice and has the best loving energy. I thought bubbled, “I can do this. I can do leather pride.”
I’d made up my mind and I was at least going to do “a walk through” at the “Deeper Than Ever” party or the dark alley event. But while volunteering at another function, before the Deeper Than Ever party, I had a conversation with someone who…. kinda scared me out of it. “Oh NOOOO, that’s a super spreader event. There’re superbugs you gotta worry about.”
OMG! What a boner killer! It died! I needed mouth to cock resuscitation ASAP!
This was not what I wanted to hear just before the event. Especially after I finally mustered up enough nerve and courage to climb over the invisible wall that I’d built before me. I thought to myself-hmmm, is this the universe trying to intercede? Am I ignoring a blatant sign from the universe? I said to the guy, “I think I’m still going to go and just going to do a walk through….maybe just watch.”
In the back of my mind another conversation was happening, “Yea right! Who the fuck are you kidding? You are horny as fuck and are going to suck a whole bunch of dicks as soon as you get there. You dirty whore! You gonna sit on all them dicks!”
After volunteering I came home and began to change into something more appropriate. Then his words kept going through my head, “Super bugs” “Super spreader event….super bugs… super spreader event.” My boner died- his words killed it and there was no warm mouth to resuscitate. I found myself rebuilding that invisible wall that I’d taken down.
Back to today…Halloweenie
I woke up feeling super chill af (from the bomb ass weed) and looked at the clock. OOOpsy, I did it again- I’m going to be late. Guess I won’t be the Pringles guy after all. I went to my costume box and pulled out a sparkly head band, the harness I was gifted years ago (when I was a LOOOT thinner), and the Trixie Mattel hot pink lipstick my best friend Toni bought for me when she last visited, and my combat boots that were also a gift from an old “friend”.
I’M JUST GOING TO BE MY VERSION OF A GAY DISNEY PRINCESS! I grabbed my Disney sweater and hit the road.
I walked up to the party, and I could kinda see inside, through the sliding door that there was someone else wearing a harness. His was a sexy thick leather and mine neoprene. Mine was a little tighter than it was last year, just like every other gottttdamn outfit I have.
Not sure if you’ve seen the meme that was everywhere but as I walked in the door, I said something to the guy like, “Yes, you also got the gay Halloween memo.” He turned and said, “Huh?” I said, “Cause all the gays wear harnesses on Halloween.” I then realized that this was actually a leather daddy and although part of his costume, that was him. I felt stoooopid!
I looked around the party, and I noticed that these were different people than the ones from previous parties. This party had a bunch of Hot Fuck Me Daddies. It was at this moment that I remembered the hosts of the party had recently joined the PSLOD.
After a few minutes I thought bubbled, “Fuck! This isn’t at all like last year. This is a gottttdamn Hot Leather Daddy Party. Shit I’m so not prepared!” Look, it made me nervous cause I didn’t even know if I twas wearing my harness correctly. You know cause it was super tight! Here is what I suspect – that someone must have snuck into my home while I was asleep or at work and traded my harness for a smaller one. I even double checked with the host that it was wearing it right. I twas.
I found myself thought bubbling all over the place, “Oh my gosh what if they are thinking look at this bitch dressing up like us for Halloween. Rude!” “Am I doing a form of cultural appropriation?” “Do they find it offensive when someone so bland dresses up like them for fun?” “Ooopsy bitch you fucked up cause I think this might be like doing black face, dressing up like a Native American, like a Mexican with a sombrero, or Asian.”
If you remember this was after my gluttonous trough feed earlier today and my belly protruded, expanded, and was bubbling from the spicy Indian food. There was no sucking in said belly without shitting my pants.
I was not at all ready or prepared for a hot leather daddy house party and would not have worn a harness. I probably would not have waked and baked had I known. And I definitely would not have stuffed my fat face full of – all I could eat spicy Indian food. My belly rumbled.
All that worrying about getting a superbug from the Deeper Than Ever party and I walk into a party and there are the guys from the flier. Holy shit, there’s that one guy from that one place…. And there’s the cigar daddy who is married to that other guy who is always nice and has the best loving energy. The guys from the fucking advertisements are here!!!
Was the universe doing me a solid and putting me right in the laps of Hot Leather Daddies? Is God granting my prayer because I’m a good boy or punishing me for being a gluttonous pig on the Gay Sabbath? Either way I want a redo- a rewind- a do over! This time I’ll prepare better. I definitely won’t have spicy Indian food and I won’t culturally appropriate without Daddies permission.
I wanted to be looked at like I was a piece of meat by Hot Leather Daddies, but I felt more like a big ball of gas. And Rhonda Rae was sitting so far away from me that if I let one go, I couldn’t even blame it on him. (That’s another benefit of having an 80+ year old friend, sometimes they don’t even know when they are farting. You can always blame it on them!)
****Gay cardinal sin… don’t eat like that if you want to be someone’s dinner, late night snack, or be the all you can eat booty. I was still a little stoned from earlier and I decided that before I blew up their bathroom that I should leave. That’s not the impression I want to make for those Daddies.
I snuck out the back and safely made it home to my own bathroom.
Happy Palm Springs Pride,
The Happy Homo
PS I’m on my knees repenting.
PSS I’m kicking myself in the ass for chickening out last minute and ot going to the Deeper Than Ever event for at least a walk through. Tis the least I could have done. I ran into that one guy from that one place and said I thought about going to his event and told him about being scared out of it because of the “it’s a super spreader event” and he said, “Oh yea, it was a super spreader event and the guys were spread wide open!” Damn it.. I miss all the fun.
PSSS I hope everyone has a safe and happy Pride weekend. Remember that if something looks off or suspicious notify law enforcement. There’s haters out there and we have to look out for one another. See something- say something.
PSSSS I love you (well most of you). Hope to see you out. I’ll be the one staying far away from spicy Indian food all weekend.
PSX5 VOTE FOR KAMALA HARRIS- don’t sit this one out. Our lives and safety are on the ballot! Vote blue to save America.
PSX6 If you haven' yet you should watch Ruple's Global All Stars. It's just good for my soul and yours! Just when you think she's done it all that bitch went and created the Drag Olympics and made Global All Stars! Congrats to Alyssa Edwards for the win! She is perfection! I also learned from watching that I need to also use antiaging moisturizer on my neck- front and back! Back rolls and neck wrinkles! LOL, I love me some Alyssa. Also you should watch “Where the Bears Are”, fn hill-arious. Julia Louis-Dreyfus made a great movie called, “Tuesday.” And remember that you are loved.
PSX7 If you haven’t watched the JLo and Mana at the rally for our future President Kamala Harris YOU should!
