My Dear Mr. Bunny Butt-Marie,
I miss you dearly, Mr. Puppy. You have been my whole world and my best friend for almost 12 years now. Yeah, can you believe it? It would have been our 12-year anniversary on February 8th. That’s how many years ago I finally broke down the daddy we lived with, and he brought you home to me as a Valentine’s present surprise. And what a delicious little surprise you turned out to be.
That white daddy said, “Lee, if you can keep a plant alive for 6 months then we can talk about getting a dog.” Well, I killed that houseplant and still he got me the best present I’ve ever had. My first reaction was, “That’s probably not the dog I would have picked.” But only because you were a boy. I have to say, you are the best fucking Valentine’s a gay man could have ever asked for and needed. Although the white daddy valentine himself didn’t last, you did and you changed my whole world.
Yes Mr. Pancho Pie, I needed you and Anne-Frankly I still do. You proved to me that even I am lovable and that I’m capable of some great fucking powerful love. I know this because of how I feel in every cell of my body right now, as it’s filled with grief. Grief is just love escaping from my heart to other parts of my body, and it physically hurts and, on some days, I can’t stop crying. In fact, I’m crying as I write this love letter to you.
Sometimes the world tells us that we don’t belong so many different times in our lives, or at it has me. Whether it was my dad who was never friendly to me, treated me differently than the others, and eventually kicked me out or just Karens all about that don’t like to see other’s happy- you were there for me.
The message that I didn’t belong at home and so many other places (like that Babtist Church as kid) was loud and clear. Whether it’s been a job, an adopted child, a social circle, a state, and people who demonstrated some predatory behavior here when I arrived in Palm Springs, you were there with me telling me that I do belong; and that you love me. And I love you and that’s why I’ve been a big pile of grieving snot and tears. I miss you.
You were never just my dog; you are my family, and it hurts that you had to leave. Sometimes it felt like it was just me and you against the world. Well, you, me, and JLo movies, magazine covers or music. In my moments of loneliness, you showed me that I don’t need humans to make me feel the love and affection that I desired. Humans sometimes can disappoint you, but you never did. You changed my life for the better and it’s hard to let that kind of happy go away.
I’m going to miss pinching your little bunny tooshie every day and I’m going to miss how you acted so offended each time. There’s no way that you are not a gift from God to me. And I also think that you were possibly sent to me as your own punishment for the terrible things you did to gay people in your past human life. You were definitely a straight man, and I think you were an Italian mobster and likely also hated Mexicans. Hence, you came back as a chewie, had your nuts chopped off, and were subjected to the love and affection of a gay Mexican American with grabby hands and lips filled with kisses for you.
Whatever the crimes you committed against my community in the past, are now forgiven. You gave me life, a gay man with HIV trying to find his way in a cruel world (cruel state, cruel country that acts as if they don’t want me as a queer man and a Latino.) You helped me heal from so many hurtful things that life subjects’ people to. You gave me purpose and I gave you clothes, kisses, hugs, back rubs, leg massages, and so many cuddles. And most of the time against your will.
The last few years I watched you change physically and there was nothing I could do to stop it. You were growing older, and I hated it. I knew one day that I would have to write this letter to you telling you just how much I love you. And it’s a whole fucking lot. Not only did you begin to whiten around your face, but your body also began to give out. I’m not sure if its cause you were too old to run and get away from me but you began to enjoy all the love I poured into you, and you only pulled away after you’d realize that I was never going to stop.
I watched what appeared to be a straight human man spirit in a little dog body begin to say, “Fine, whatever, I’ll let a gay guy rub my back. Just don’t tell anybody.” We made a pact that we would protect each other and love each other, and we did a good honoring that.
That’s why I’m asking for your forgiveness. I am so sorry that you had to be put down. I’m sorry I invited that lady into our house, and that they gave you a shot in your tiny bunny bum. After it’s sting showed on your face, I quickly took you back in my loving arms and rubbed it better. I’m so sorry that the next thing she did was give you medication that would make you stop breathing. It broke me to feel your last heartbeat as I held you, pet you and told you through many tears how much I love you and I always will. I hope that it didn’t hurt you – and that all the pain was only felt by me.
I kinda feel like I failed you in the “protecting each other” part of our pact, but I did it because I love you and I regret doing it every second since. (Even though I know it was the right thing to do. It felt so wrong to kill my best friend. Ooh my gosh it feels so wrong.)
Remember when you first came home? You only wanted to sleep at my feet, and you didn’t want me to be touching you. (It was the straight man in da Baby Bunny.) That night and the next couple of nights that followed I literally kicked you out of the bed when I was asleep cause I hadn’t gotten used to anything at my feet and you startled me. It was a big crash on the floor and then my heart sank, realizing what I’d done. I’m sorry about that. I know I apologized before, but just in case you forgot- I’m sorry. And I learned since then and did better by you and with you by my side.)
Well, you mostly never did change from sleeping at my feet and not letting me touch you throughout the night. But there were many special occasions that you gave in and let me love you, kiss you, cuddle you, and wrap you up tight in a blanket and nestled you right in my loving armpit. You got soft on me towards the end of your years and how I relished every little wink, kiss, and nuzzle. God, I’m going to miss all of it.
I know I apologized to you already about my other fuck up, but I want to do it again. I’m sorry I got grumpy with you a few weeks ago. It was around 3 in the morning, and you got up and were wandering around. You were having a bout of puppy dementia. I was so tired that I snapped at you, picked you up, and quickly tucked you back into the bed. I called you a naughty boy cause I was so exhausted, but I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry I was so tired, and you were just having a senior moment, and I wasn’t kind. I regret being grumpy with you then. I’m so sorry. I should have sat on the floor with you and brought you back to the realization that you were safely in your room with gestures of a gentle mind and loving spirit. I didn’t and I’m so sorry.
I don’t know if you heard me, but I cried on the phone to your grandma the next day, telling her how filled with guilt I was for getting mad at you for something you couldn’t control. What a bad daddy I was. I can see how humans can get a little burnt out, tired, and say or do something to an elderly parent or a senior they are taking care of. (But that’s still not a good excuse.) The exhaustion and the waking up a few times every night for a long time, made me grumpy on that night. When the right response from me (again) would have been based in gentle mind and loving spirit. I know you know my spirit is good and that was the worst version of me and hate that it was me on that night. You brought me so much happiness, joy and love- that’s not the life form I want to be grumpy with.
I’m so glad that I was obsessed with you and took a ton of pictures and videos. I just don’t know if I took enough to last me and my heart the rest of my lifetime.
Goodness, you were such a good dog. You were a GREAT DOG! Remember when you got out of the front door when we lived in that apt (after I opened the door to talk to a neighbor). Well, I shut the door after the neighbor left leaving you outside. You staid at the door just waiting for me likely thinking, “Great this homo didn’t see me come out. Ugh, but I ain’t going anywhere cause the food is good.” But after I realized that you weren’t attacking the vacuum as I went from room to room, I began to wonder where the fuck you were. I tore up the whole apt and finally opened up the front door to find you sitting there. You got up and walked in like, “About fucking time gaywad. Now feed me.” I’m so glad you staid because my life wouldn’t have been nearly as good without you.
Oooo, do you remember the time that you woke me up barking because suddenly there was a light being (radiating light and love) in the room during one of Daddy’s hard times. I had fallen asleep crying and you woke me up barking and the light being, me and you all jumped back a little. I don’t think it knew I had a guard dog. That was probably 9 years ago.
Or that time there was a witch cackle that rang through the bedroom and woke us up about 3 am, when we were fast asleep in our house in Layton. YOU freaked out! I screamed at the disembodied voices to leave us the fuck alone cause I needed to get asleep and they stopped. (That was about 5 years ago.) Or, two years ago when the Santa Muerte came and was looking in and watching us through the sliding door. The three of us looked out the glass at Her, but we none of us got scared. We knew she was there in peace. Each time, you made me feel safe and that I wasn’t alone in any of it. Thank you for that.
You were always at my side, in good and bad times. Goodness- I have so much love for you it hurts and feels good all at the same time. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time. It makes me smile and cry all at the same time.
And then there was the time I left you in the car in Utah and went into the mall. My adhd kicked in and I got distracted. By the time I got back you were panting, and I freaked the fuck out!!! I forgot ou were back there. I was sooo dumb. I’m so glad that you forgave me for that too. .
And then when you got out on the patio this last summer and I didn’t realize it until I got a notification 2 hours later on my phone. “Animal activity in back yard.” It was 110 degrees, I freaked out and took off running back to you praying that you weren’t hurt or dead. I rushed you to the vet and after some fluids you were going to be okay. I’m sorry for the times I was a bad daddy.
Ugh, then I dropped you out of your new carrying bag I had just purchased so you could go on walks with Genni and me. So, I could carry you and you wouldn’t have to walk because of your arthritic legs. I didn’t know that if I tilted down to pick up the keys I dropped that you were going to slip out of it so easily. And your nose got swollen, and that broke my heart. I wouldn’t do anything intentional to hurt you. Except I did the other day when I made the call to put you down.
It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, and you were the key to the absolute best years of my life. You made the last 11 + years even when they sucked- good. You made even in the worst of mean-times –not just bearable but filled with love. I was reminded that life was good because of you. I wouldn’t have wanted to do them without you.
And when my heart was broken because adopting Baby James didn’t work out and the family I always dreamed about fell apart, it was you that licked the tears from my face and helped keep my head afloat of the river of despair. You reminded me that you were my family. Good thing we did all that kayaking together, you knew how to handle the rivers.
I have dueling thoughts, “How could I do that to a life form that was so good to me?” And “It’s because you were so good to me that I made that decision.” They both exist at the very same time in my heart and mind and I can’t reconcile them and I don’t think I have to.
Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for all the love you gave while making me realize the huge amounts of love I could give in return and that it would actually be well received by another living being. I miss you terribly.
Mr. Wooferton, thank you for being mostly a good big brother to Genni Lou. Remember when she came home to us? You always teased her and made her move after she’d just warmed up the most comfy spot on the sofa or bed. Goodness, I don’t think I could do this if she wasn’t walking with me through this grief. Each nuzzle, kiss, and paw on my crying face tells me that she understands my hurt and she made the same pact with me, “Hey, I’ll look out and protect you and you look out and protect me. Okay Daddy?” She’s now taken over the job of licking the tears that stream down my face. I think the two of us will be okay (but I got to get these tears out and there’s a few more days of it at least- I can tell.)
This good, dare I say great grief I feel in my entire body is all the love I have for you looking for a place to go. It use to come out of my hand onto your fur. Or from my kisses onto your nose or cheeks. It’s such an awesome and terrible feeling and I need to acknowledge it and not ignore or bury it. I know I’m a good human because of the feelings of love and loss for such a special life you had, the bond we shared, and because you were a good boy.
Rest easy now Mr. Pie. I hope now that you are making your way to Puppy Heaven, your sight is fully restored, your legs won’t hurt you any more, your congestive heart failure medication won’t be forced on you (even though you always caught me trying to sneak it in the meatball), your cough is now gone, your collapsed trachea is better, and the eye that stopped producing tears- is full and you don’t need the eye drops anymore. I pray that you forgive me and I only did it so that you weren’t in pain anymore. The pain now belongs to me, and I can handle it, but it just sucks right now. ☹
The moment last Friday when I watched you get up and your front leg came out of the socket, and you lifted your paw in pain I knew it was the day, the hardest day of my life. God you were/are so loved and that just doesn’t go away.
I hope I have made you feel loved each and every day for the last (almost) 12 years. I wasn’t perfect, I made mistakes, and you were so forgiving. After you realized that a gay Mexican man daddy wasn’t so bad and that I was full with love for you, you expressed your penitence for any crime or wrong doing to my community in your past life by putting on those sweaters and strutting your stuff. You did such a good job protecting and loving your gay daddy at times when he felt no one else was. You are always going to be special to me.
Go ahead and cross that rainbow bridge and find Miss Kya and Miss Fefe (my childhood fur baby). I’ll be here hoping that you come visit me in my dreams. I hope that is a place where you can chase that ball again and that it doesn’t hurt to run, because you used to love that.
BTW, you picked the worst time to leave. Our country seems to be turning against, declaring war on people like me, gay, brown, minorities, the sick, elderly, and poor people. I could have used your love to get me through the coming mean-times too. Genni has her work cut out for her, so if you can help us both out from the other side- we’d appreciate it.
I’m very glad we had a last right, a last meal from Bubbah’s BBQ, cuddles and kisses, and extreme love on your last day here on Earth.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you. Don’t worry about Genni and Me. We are going to do what we know best, in hard times, we move forward, we emote in a healthy way so that it doesn’t build up, we love, we JLo and we carry on.
Your Loving Daddy,
The Happy to Have Loved So Much Homo
PS It feels like our government has declared war against us, the entire queer community, Latinx/Hispanics/Mexicans, Blacks, Jews, Muslims, those with HIV, the poor, elderly, sick, and minorities. God help us. Make them stop.
PSS Thank you to my neighbor who came and literally picked me up off the floor on that dreadful day. Thank you to the lady at Bubba’s BBQ who refused to take my money, and bought Pancho’s last meal. It was a yummy brisket and he really enjoyed it until he couldn’t eat any more. Those moments, in my sadness, people demonstrated kindness and humanity. We mustn’t lose our humanity because of the president’s hate for us. Thank you to those two people.
PSSS Definitely in an adjustment period and not having to come home to an elderly dog or staying home because of an elderly dog just might shake some things up for Genni Lou and me. I’m looking forward to our future adventures.
PSSSS I’m very excited for the new JLo, “Kiss of the Spider Woman.” Queer themed, song, dance, Latino story- yaaaaas Queen, YAAAS. Her current AMAZING new release, “Unstoppable” made it to number 1 on Amazon Prime. (To be honest, I feel like I didn’t see it advertised on Amazon like her other new releases and I had to actively go searching for it. I feel like after that creep Muskrat talked to his buddies, they are going to make it hard for stars with a bit of melanin to succeed. They don’t want us to have hope and that’s what JLo does, she delivers hope to people like me.
Unstoppable was knocked out of the #1 spot by Mister Yummers Channing Tatum’s, “Blink Twice”. I started to watch it and then turned it off. I don’t need to spend my free time, or entertainment time to watch how scary, dangerous, and murderous rich crazy white men can be. We are living it in real time. God help America and save us from these tyrants.
I sure hope Netflix or Paramount Plus picks up her new movie. Those streaming platforms are queer friendly as fuck! I’m going to be wise where I spend my gay and brown as fuck, hard earned Mexican American dollars.
PSX5 A must watch because of the times we are living in- “Resistance, They Fought Back” “People have a myth stuck in their heads that during the Holocaust, Jews went to their deaths “like sheep to the slaughter.” But this is where the real story begins. Jews did not go as sheep to the slaughter. They fought back.” Take away points, their endpoint was extinction. Spiritual resistance, clothing and feeding the poor, standing up and teaching truth and heritage in makeshift schools, caring for one another is a form of nonviolence is a form of “Amidah”. They didn’t lose their humanity and no matter what happens in the next 4 years we shouldn’t lose ours either. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight back if we have to. We can fight back too.
PSX6 I am going to miss him so much. Rest in peace sir, you did such a good job. I love you, I love you. I love you.
