I always feel weird around the holidays, but I think many of us do.  This is my first Christmas in Palm Springs, and it doesn’t feel like Christmas very much at all. It’s a beautiful 80 degrees here. The sun is shining and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.  It’s beautiful here. There’s no snow, no iced over Christmas lights, again- no snow, no icicles, and no awkward silence while I sit in the same house as family members but feel millions of miles away.  At least this year there really is some distance between us, 672.7 miles, so says Google.

Instead of going and spending the obligatory awkward hour with family and then going home to my dogs with a  sense of disappointment, now I get to just be with my dogs. Doesn’t make it any less emotional or weird for me. I think it’s been this way for so long, every cell in my body remembers it. I plan on unlearning it over the next 3-4 years as my roots deepen.  Also, I usually go all out with decorations, but this year is different. I only put up this super gay gown tree thing, made of tinsel and decorated with white lights.  It’s cute, simple, and enough for me this year.

I’ve been in CA about 7 months now, not long. Everything still feels so new to me.  I get a little overwhelmed with the kindness I’ve experienced within this community.  It’s been mostly good stuff here, truly.  Granted some of the kindnesses have an agenda, they want to fuck. And that is what I love so much about this place. It makes me feel valued and seen in a positive way, instead of what I’ve grown accustomed to in Utah over the last few years; and really most of my life.  Sure, your Christmas sling sounds delicious and on any other day I’d love to sit and bounce up and down on hot Daddy Santa’s lap but not right now. I feel so… so… not in the mood. Christmas makes me feel weird.  Total boner killer.

People have been kind enough to invite me, a stranger, into their homes. It’s an overwhelming loving feeling. I’ve been invited to bake Christmas cookies, to dinner, brunch, the bars and to midnight mass.  I really do have an overwhelming appreciation for the invitations, and I may go to the midnight mass. TBD.  But I do know I just want to be with my dogs, in my own home this year and its by my choice this time.

The last few years I’ve experienced some great losses.  But I’m still here and standing tall (well as tall as my short little legs allow). Some of the losses included friendships. Two of my best friends that I took too long to realize weren’t really good friends at all, they had to go. Sometimes I waiver from thinking they aren’t even good people, completely selfish with little or no concern for me and sometimes for other people.  But that’s my own hurt speaking through. They were with me for years and there was a lot of laughs and good times. It wasn’t all bad. They have good qualities- somewhere.

 So, forgive me as I take my time forging new best friendships. I’m going slow, I’m watching, and I’m seeing how people treat each other or talk about or treat their own friends. Everyone is stranger here to me.  My job is to treat everyone with kindness, just like I’d like in return.      

I said this to a client in therapy this week, “Sometimes when we ascend to new levels, we don’t get to take all of our friends with us. Sometimes they don’t want you to level up.”   Good friendships are made with time, love and wanting the best for the other person ALL the time. The ones I left behind weren’t that anymore for me. I know that and I can’t wait to see who my future besties will be, besides Toni and Ronda Rae.

For a split second, earlier today, I thought, did I make the right decision in moving to the desert? My family is so far away.  I go back and forth but then a Christmas miracle happened which reassured me I’m in the right place.  My phone is broken, and I can’t hear anything from the ear speaker part of the phone. I’ve had to put it on speaker phone for all calls and everyone gets to hear my conversations, rude I know.  So today is the day to fix it.

Back to the Christmas miracle, I was standing by the Apple Sore on El Paseo.  I look up and I swear I see Ross Mathews walk by with his husband. I freeze, almost fan girl out and stop. I thought he’s shopping with his husband don’t be rude. He’s a human being and deserves to have privacy and enjoy a day out without some crazed fan screaming out, “OOOOOOOOOmygoshRossMathewsisthatreallyreallyyou? OOOOOOOOOOmyyyyyygosh.”  But then I sneakily and awkwardly snapped a picture of them as they were walking away, and I excitedly posted it on Facebook. Then my appointment happened, and the store kept my phone. I won’t get it back until after 3:30 PM today. I began to have regrets about posting the picture. I’ve never like when people have taken pictures of me or broadcast me without my permission. Those times were in private, and I usually didn’t have clothes on.  This was his private time; he did have clothes on but nonetheless I feel like I was rude.  Is it rude? Cause it feels like it was to me.

Then I get into my car and put on KGay, it’s the gayest and best radio station I’ve ever known and I love it. I turn up the volume and it’s Ross Mathews. He’s saying something about regifting makeup to his friend Nikki Boyer when she comes to town. I thought is that THE Nikki Boyer from Utah? Couldn’t possibly be such a small world, could it?  I began to question myself. Was that really Ross Mathews I saw? I know radio does a lot of pre recorded shit, but I’m still listening to the show as I type this and he’s still on there. If it wasn’t Ross Mathews, hey Ross Mathews that bitch done stole your look!

One of the reasons I love Ross Mathews (yes, I must say his first and last name, I don’t know why but it feels right), is because he gets to be his gay ass self and we love him for it. I hope to find even a smidgin of that love here in Palm Springs. Also, he’s smart, witty, quick and is the only other gay guy that has just as high-pitched gay ass voice as me.  I admire him and all the Drag Race folks for what they’ve done for our community.  What it boils down to, is I’m just excited I get to be myself here. I don’t know how to be any less gay than I am. It’s who I am.

Speaking of holiday shit and Drag Race, if you haven’t watched Jinks and Dela Holiday special on Hulu you should.  They made me feel better in saying, “Everyone has a shitty Christmas.” (Paraphrasing). At first, I was like what the fuck am I watching and then I loved it. Its some funny shit and I love parodies. I hope they do another next year.

So, if you are having a shitty Christmas- I love you, you are not alone, and I get it. I’d like to wish you specifically a very Merry Christmas.  (I also am feeling less guilty because now I am questioning myself, who the fuck did I take a picture of? If Ross Mathews is on the radio right now- who the fuck did I post on Facebook?)

From Genni Lou, Pancho Marie and Me, we wish you and your puppies a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza and any other holiday you may be celebrating or not celebrating.

The Happy Homo