Before the world knew the song by the Homecoming Queen of pop, I was already living those lyrics. “I can do it with a broken heart.” I’ve moved through life not fully healed, yet no longer hiding—standing tall (as tall as a 5’4 person can), with my graduate degree, my pretty face, and my unapologetically sparkling gay as fuck vibrant personality.
I’m gay. Not just in terms of attraction, but in identity—down to the cellular level. Whether I’m sexually active or not (and that’s a story for another time), my queerness is not conditional. It’s intrinsic. I could live a celibate life and still be proudly, undeniably gay..gay…gay! And I’m a good person. Maybe I’m a good person because of it? There are countless good people in our LGBTQ+ community and across this country.
Yet, I know that even if I weren’t in a relationship or expressing my sexuality outwardly, there are those who would still hate me. They don’t know my story—the obstacles I’ve overcome, the hours I’ve spent serving vulnerable populations, or the good I’ve tried to do in this world. And they don’t know your story either. But their hate is loud, effortless, and persistent. It’s given so freely.
Many of us(a) are feeling the weight of today’s world. Some of us(a) are numb to it. Both are survival mechanisms we’ve developed just to endure. Hate is everywhere—on social media, in the streets, and even from the highest offices in our nation. For some of us(a), hate has always been there. It was present in our childhoods, schools, and well you know what it’s like today. And still, we survived. You are a survivor. YOU, me, they/them, and us(a) deserve to exist here, survive, and thrive here.
The messages I see today are just as soul-bruising as those I heard growing up. I often wonder: how many times can a human heart break? Mine feels like it’s breaking constantly these days. Break after break…after break.
I admit, I’m softer than most. My heart is exposed. But truth matters. I speak with the voice of a gay man whose soul has been tenderized by the hate directed at me, my community, the poor, and marginalized groups across this country.
Some of my earliest memories in church were filled with condemnation—messages that I was wrong simply for being me and existing. Whether or not the pastor knew I was a gay child, I felt the weight of those words. I’ve always been soft, and I’ve always been me. I’m pretty sure that fucker knew he was hurting me and my soul with his words but, I survived and so can you. I was born this way, and those messages left scars, but I survived.
It’s heartbreaking to be hated for being gay, and then again for being Mexican-American. Why can’t we be left in peace? And Trans people just want to be left the fuck alone!!!! Why must people go out of their way to make life harder for others? Please bring back the days where hate and bigotry are wrong and un-Christian like. Please just leave us(a) in peace. Leave us(a) alone and stop going out of the way to make people’s lives harder than they need to be. Stop spreading hate. Nobody wants your violence.
This past week has been especially painful. A public figure who spread hate toward LGBTQ+ people, educators, Black communities, immigrants, and other vulnerable groups was killed. And yet, many are now praising his legacy. “Let his words live on,” they say. But which words? The ones advocating violence against gay people? The ones dehumanizing trans individuals? The ones disparaging Black and brown communities? He would say evil shit and then would invoke the name of Jesus Christ as he was doing it.
I’d rather that message of hate and oppression also leave this world. I pray for a peaceful world, a safe and just world where everybody gets a chance to succeed, not just white people, and not just the top 1%.
I saw these messages from people I grew up with—even from someone I once considered a best friend. Someone who I’ve shared tears, laughter, sleepless nights, and a bed with (as gal pals) – someone I thought I really knew. Someone who helped lift me up back when I wasn’t feeling loved in this world is now saying, “Let his words live on forever…” It broke my heart again. And again.
I’m a big fat gay, Mexican-American, Jesus-loving Christian from Utah. I’ve admitted it and I’m not ashamed of it, its also part of who I am- just like being gay is. I go to church. I read and listen to the Bible. I pray every motha’ tuckin day. And lately, I’ve been praying for Christ’s return—not out of fear alone, but out of hope that He will bring peace and end the division and hate that plagues our nation and the world. (Hurry back Lord!)
I don’t condone violence. I just want peace. My communities just want peace. I want to live in a peaceful and loving nation. But there are forces actively working to erode our rights, suppress our votes, and silence our voices. So, I pray. I have faith that God is working to heal what’s broken and cast out the darkness. Lord, cast out that evil demon that seems to have possessed so many good people. And let them see that hate and oppression have no place at YOUR table.
As I scroll through social media, I see people I’ve known for decades echoing messages. “Let his words live on…” “We will make sure that his message lives on…” “You’ve only magnified his message, and we will make sure that his messages live on.” Break… break… break….break- my heart kept breaking over and over with each message I read. So I stopped reading them.
But I ask my “friends” again: which words do you want to live one? The ones that hurt our brown, black, and queer children? The ones that divide our communities? The ones that contradict the teachings of the Jesus I know?
The Jesus I know preached love—love for God and love for our neighbors. Hate has no place in His name.
So how many times can a heart break? I don’t know. Mine has been broken a whole bunch of times. But I do know that I’m working to mend mine—and helping others do the same—by choosing love.
I want my heart to break because I fell in love with a person and the timing is wrong or his job takes him somewhere across the world where I don’t want to be. I’m tired of it breaking because of hate, oppression, and injustice. I’d rather it break because of love and sex that takes me to church and finding out that he’s not as available as I’d like. Break it for the right reasons.
With Love and Faith,
A Hopeful Homo
PS I hope you are all safe. I hope that you all love. I love you.
PSS I hope his and all of our children get to grow up in a loving, peaceful, just country/world.
PSSS God bless these United States of America.
