I fucking knew it! I did, I knew I had something wrong with me. Maybe all these mother fuckers were right all along and I should have paid them more attention. I do think I was actually good about paying attention to my own body, at least over the last 10-15 years. My body hurts too much and too often for there not to be something wrong with it. My friend reminded me today how often, over the last 10 years, I’ve said, “I swear I have bone cancer. There’s something wrong with me. I’m going to die of bone cancer.” Well, they didn’t say bone cancer silly. They used a different word, Polycythemia Vera or PV for short. What it comes down to is my bone marrow makes too much blood. It’s a type of cancer. The irony, I’m too much for myself also. The irony may literally kill me. That’s funny shit. You can laugh, I prefer if you did. I’m laughing. I’ll post about PV below. Trust your instincts bitches, we have them for a reason.
You may ask why am I doing this in such a public way? Because I matter too. We matter and we fucking deserve to exist. Right there- out in the open. Because I refuse to live in the shadows anymore. I can’t dim myself anymore for anyone. I refuse. Not going even pretend to be sorry about, not anymore. I don’t want to live in a lie. I deserve to live in truth and to live all of my days like fuck they just may be. I maybe on my final or last chapters. Who knows? I don’t but I’m going to do whatever I got to do to stick around.
It’d be a cool last chapter. I’ve had the best 7 months I’ve ever had in my entire life. Here, right here in Palm Springs. From my earliest recall- by far the best 7. And that includes having a 2-3 week lingering cold, missing Pride, dealing with a shitty bully, and all that cascades from it’s shadow. On a super positive note, I befriended an almost 80-year-old fucking man and he became one of my best friends. He’s so cool and I love him. I got to wear the shortest shorts I’ve ever dared to wear in my life; my coochie almost hung out. I got to feel what it feels like to be attractive again and be looked at with lust. Like, “I want to fuck you” kinda look. I hope that doesn’t change for a long time. I fucking love this place. I’ve never felt more at peace than I do here, more safe, and more seen. It’s the land of milk and hunnies, hunny. (There got it.)
I won’t leave Palm Springs so long as I can help it. As long as I have mental faculties, I’m good. I’ll do what I know, what I’ve always had to do everyday that came before. I will depend on me. Self-preservation bitches. We all know it. I didn’t make it to ripe age of 45, and I’m gay as fuck. I’m also brown with a gay ass voice. And I’m from Utah. It may not sound scary to you but it became that way to me. I’ll take this all day ‘er mother fuckin day. No questions ask.
I’ll work until I can’t. It’s not a fair world we live in. But it is a beautiful one and it deserves for us to fight for it. We have to fight like we do for everything, or we have no world. Where you going to live stupids? Hello, were on fire, emergency! Fucking hurry! Shits getting fucked up!
Those with real money need to make moves. I know what I’d love for you to do- move your asses! You all need to listen to the experts, get the information, good or bad and make a fucking plan. Take action, because if we don’t, where we going dummies?
It was a rough couple of years for me out there in Utah, it really was. I bought a fucking gun for God’s sake. Bullies everywhere and all the fucking time, wherever I went. I’ve always hated guns but now I see their value. Does that mean I believe the average Joe should have a gun that can kill many children in a matter of minutes? Have a 5-minute window to devastate so many more lives? No, I don’t believe that shit at all. And how come if he’s white he doesn’t get shot like other people? This world is full of discrepancies like that.
But I will reiterate what I posted on FB to the bully a few weeks back, if you break into my home to try and hurt me, I will shoot you. I will not try to wound you, I will only shoot at the head and the heart. I gotta full clip. I’ll get you at least twice. Odds are in my favor. You get one warning. You won’t make me feel unsafe in my home too. Never again. That really goes out to all of you fuckers over the last few years. You know damn well who you are, you pieces of shit. Yes, I called them pieces of shit, because that’s how they treated me. Like I was a piece of shit.
I’m not one of those all perfect Christians or therapists. I have flaws and I have never been allowed self fucking to actualize. So, no I’m not fucking there yet. I sure am trying though. I’m more there today than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not going to be fake about it, I don’t like you people. Again, you know who you are. Your mean and rude and every time you did something I wanted to fuck you up so bad, but I held it all in. Because I realized in my 20’s that it’s always the brown guy’s fault and even more the “loud gay guy.” I hate you and all the fucking bigots that make people’s lives harder just because you can. I hope to never see any of you for the rest of my life. Even this last one, although just as rude and demeaning as many of the other ones, was different. It was more tolerable because I was so happy. It just hit weird because it was by one of us. That grossed me out and disappointed me- BIGLY. I was on such a natural high from this move, from this experience and you almost fucked that up for me. That’s just fucking rude. I still want to punch you in the face, but I won’t cause your not worth me losing my license to practice. I worked too hard to get it. Sometimes it felt like I worked so much harder than most. Cancer is not even going to ruin my Palm Springs experience.
The other person, they know who they are, well I struggle to think of how to trust you again? Trust someone who denies I made complaints, tried to make more and was shut down and told the problem was mine and I had to take ownership of a stupid bully. I’ll try, but I don’t know how right now- in this moment in time. I understand self-preservation. If that’s it, okay, I get it.
Don’t be sad, I’m going to work. That’s right, I’m not ready to be done working bitches. I get off on helping these mother fucking people. No not nasty like, but I enjoy helping my community so much. We have so much in common. You just don’t see it yet or you must have forgotten. I’ll say it like this, I’ve never felt more part of a “We” than I do here in Palm Springs. I’ve always felt like it was me against them but don’t anymore. I feel like a we. I love this place.
I work with my most favorite clients I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with, ever. I see so much of me in them and I don’t even mean that nasty. No dick is worth my license. I got bills to pay bitch and I’m not going back to Utah. My clients make me laugh and a few have made me cry. It’s definitely the highlight of my social work career. Ya, that’s for sure.
I’m also not done calling out you bully ass mean people. All of you- you know who you are. I get to tell my truth. Because I matter and we matter. Our stories fucking matter. I do it cause it’s my own form of therapy and it keeps me sane. It controls my rage. Because I have some. Many of you do too. I get to see people in my community that have forgotten how fucking amazing they are. I’m going to remind them and you- pain, every chance I get how amazing they are.
In my little office, built like a cell with the joy of my best church experience. In that chair I get to see our shared existence is pain. What if it can be stopped when we acknowledge what it is? And what if we, together have the power to plan accordingly? Happiness is important and I want you to feel some new heights of happy that Palm Springs has shown me.
I see and know firsthand what happens when they treat you like an, “other.” It has negative consequences and takes a toll on the body. It breaks so many of our spirits. I see that it even happens in the straight world too. I have a couple of straight people and that’s cool as fuck too. It seems like my eyes are open a little more here. My spirit definitely feels alive. And like Beyonce said, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS DID TRY TO BREAK MY SPIRIT! Fucking ass holes. I think I’m built for this too. Give it to Momma and me.
What if we could stop the pain? What if I knew it could be stopped or that is what felt right in that moment in my heart, and I kept my mouth shut? Even if I’m wrong, I tried and hopefully it will have some kind of positive outcome. Even 1 person getting hope revived, will be worth it. Because in hope there’s love and that’s where I want to live. That’s just not a regret I’m comfortable living with and believe me I plan on living.
I’ve never felt so alive or allowed to burn so bright as I do here. Its not stopping yet sexy Daddies. But I realize I’m temporary. I realize you, yes you are temporary. My Mommy is temporary. And this planet can be temporary if we don’t do something about it. We are ruining it. If it goes, then all the beautiful things like dogs will go with it. All the beautiful green. All the beautiful everything. I feel better when I’m writing about it, and my experiences. It’s my own form of therapy. Trust me- my therapy, don’t try to take it away. I think we all are better if I write. I won’t use your names. But you’ll know if it’s you in the story. I’ll try my best.
I thought earlier, “What the fuck does Palywhatfucketta thingy really mean?” PV what you want with me? Cancer, I’ll fight you too bitch. Because I’m going to have to. I don’t know what’s going to happen and uncertainty is not my favorite thing. I fight because that is all I know how to do. I prefer knowing all the information, good or bad and all at once. Then I can formulate a plan- accordingly. I’ve had to make moves quickly in my life and I learned the sooner you find shit out (good and bad) the sooner you can plan. Self-preservation bitches! But no longer at my own expense. That should go for you too bitches. Stop hurting yourselves, be brave and step out and just try. Find each other. You need each other.
Sometime, for me, I go immediately to the feeling of, “I need to get the fuck out of here. How do I do that safely?” Just tell me the fucking information so I can get shit done. I need to formulate the best course of action for me. Because now I have to look out for me. Because people didn’t believe me so many different times before. Because maybe I could have bought me years or something by getting the bone scan I requested years ago, but oh I remember insurance wouldn’t cover it.
Now I don’t believe my best interests are ever going to be first. Unless, I make them first. I’m no longer going to refuse myself medical care because I can’t afford it. Because I matter too! Because we matter too! And fuck those people trying to sue President Biden for giving people like me a break with their student loans. Fuck you guys. You don’t get how hard it was. I think with a cancer dx they waive that shit away. That helps me but it doesn’t hurt many of the other me’s out there. The burden is heavy, help or make it easier for them to self-actualize.
So, I have Dr Vu as my new doctor and I’m glad. She caught an increase in blood cells from the labs I completed back in October. Thank you for being so gentle about telling me. She led me there, showed me and it didn’t quite sink in. Its there now. She’s a good and thorough doctor. Some of you old men here in the desert have a problem with getting a female doctor. Don’t! Oh, you mad cause I’m calling you out? It’s just the truth. Sometimes ya’ll are some judgy bitches.
Let’s talk about, be a tribe about it, make a plan about and move on it. “How could she really know what I’m feeling as a gay man?” Um, it’s called empathy bitches. Learn it, eat it and love it. Empathy. She has empathy. I can feel her good energy. She’s the most thorough doctor I’ve ever had in my life. Stop being dicks and give her a chance. There’s plenty more real threats out there where we can focus our negative energy. Because face it, we have it. It grew because life is hard. Harder for us, most of the time. Let’s acknowledge it, identify it, and make a plan about it. Give her a chance. She’s good people you can tell, at least I can.
Hmmmm, that means I get an Oncologist next. I hope he’s gay and I hopes he cute. I hope we fall madly in love, and we get married and live a happily ever after. Oh, happily ever after in a safe and breathable environment where we do more than just exist. we thrive. We grow old together, over the next 20 years, we hear each other burp, fart, snore so many times its gross and beautiful. And we love every minute of it. I want to know the kind of love those widows come through my office with, the kind Ron has. I’m hungry for that kind of pain. 20 years is a life expectancy of someone with PV; if detected early. I plan on doing everything I need to stay alive the longest; in order to cause as much disruption to pain as possible. I ain’t going no where bitch. Cancer, I ain’t scared of you bitch, not yet.
So, what is this hooker’s next move? We will see. I’m happy that now I have the needed information to formulate a plan- accordingly. A plan for my benefit- info received universe. Now I can make moves hoes. I’m cute. I’m smart- in some ways, I don’t like liars, I’m truthful and I love Palm Springs. I have two amazing dogs and kind neighbors like I’ve never known, except for that young Mormon couple in my last Utah home. You guys helped my spirit, thank you. I hope you get many blessings for your kindness, and I hope your children do too. Keep up with that kindness, so refreshing. It was missing from a lot of my Utah neighbors as an adult, but that doesn’t include you either Karlin. Always so nosey, shit. (Just kidding.)
That’s right, I ain’t going anywhere, not easily. Don’t count me out yet, because I haven’t. I fight to exist like I have er’ otha’ mother fucking day that came before. Oh, and thank you to Lizzo for putting out that amazing album that spoke to my core this summer. Beyonce, you too bitch! You guys fucked me up good this summer; almost as good as some of these men made me feel this summer, but not quite. I didn’t cum with you guys, ew. I do however believe Lizzo may have been playing in the background for at least one of them. I felt that music all summer – and to today. Likely tomorrow and the day after. I felt that music way down deep in my man pussy. Nope, it passed my man pussy, went forward (like we do) and hit me right in the center of my heart. Perfect songs to the perfect summer! Good shit.
Oh, and keep me in your prayers. I believe in that shit. Or don’t you judgy bitches, that’s fine too. 😊 Cancer I don’t know you personally to form an opinion but you look like you suck, I’m going to take all my rage and try my hardest to fuck you up, if I have to.
In Love and Gratitude,
The Happy Homo
PS I’m not going to shower at all today.
PSS I’m okay. Just feeling some feelings.
PSS I promise, I always land on my feet. And I’ll stand for as long as I mother fucking can.
PSSS Wanna fuck? (No, not really that’s just fucking funny to put here. You better be laughing at that. But really, maybe sometime. No promises.)
PSSSS I’m rocking out to Jennifer Hudson, “You’re Gonna Love Me.” Yes, Ma’am- yup.
Px5 I also don’t know if this post is too much but it felt good to write it. Don’t know much about PV, other than what I see on the web. But this is how I feel right now in this moment.
Px6 PV link for the Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/polycythemia-vera/symptoms-causes/syc-20355850#:~:text=Polycythemia%20vera%20(pol%2De%2D,Polycythemia%20vera%20is%20rare.
Px7 I wonder if my insurance will now cover vampire facials? Hmmm….
