Part I of II
Tonight, I went to a small, intimate dinner party—and honestly, I think that’s my comfort zone these days. I feel safest in spaces with people I trust or can grow to trust. The kind of people who would catch me when/if I fall as I strut around in my 6-inch heels. You know the kind, good humans! It’s common knowledge that the not so good humans are in abundance these days- especially in Washington DC. (Insert Cher slap! “Snnap out of it!” Stop supporting people who would kill you or your neighbors! (And some people do seem to be snapping out of it! Thank God!) And fine, the title of this Heart Aches and Heels sound more like a country song than a title, but it sounded catchy. Really this post has nothing to do with heels, I don’t wear them. Way too clumsy to even try. Its they’re Just cause I’m gay and I can admire when someone masters a walk in heels.
If I’ve learned something in this life (besides that admiration)- it’s that I shouldn’t always hand my trust over to anyone and everyone I meet; it should, can and in some cases has to be earned. Tonight felt therapeutic for this sometimes-therapist, always gay, and hopefully more than not- a happy homo-sapien.
As I sit here typing, I’m reflecting on my time here in Palm Springs. Three years and some odd months here and somehow it still feels pretty new to me. And honestly, I like that feeling and hope it lasts a bit longer. I’m glad I haven’t rushed through too many relationships or burned bridges that didn’t need to be burned as a safety or self-preservation precaution. I feel relatively still unknown and that’s a feeling I can get used to.
As long as the world doesn’t end because of some fat orange piggie, there’s still time to make meaningful connections for me. And as my brother from another mother would say, “A what -what in the butt…?” It’s a song he loved growing up and still does for obvy reasons. (He literally sung it two weeks ago while visiting.)
I’m no longer in a hurry to make Palm Springs feel like Utah- where I go somewhere and know everyone. I don’t need to know everyone, and I certainly don’t crave that like I did in my 20s. FOMO does not apply to this HOMO. The pace I’m going at allows the peace I need to feel in my life right now because of the chaos of our government. I need peace in my life or my home to be front and center.
Look, we don’t know what that fat ugly piggie in the WH is going to do next to attack our citizens, our way of life, or our service members. We also now must worry about his billionaire/oligarch friends and those racist fucks who hate equality and freedom for American citizens like you and me (yes, talking about MAGA- they hate anything different). It seems like this small group of unhinged people are willing to at least try and dismantle our government, stifle our country and destroy our US Constitution every chance they get.
Frankly I’m a little bit scared. I’m not alone in that, I know so many of us(a) out there are too. We are living in this anxiety filled chaos this administration has deliberately created that’s plagued with uncertainty. We’re literally left questioning if our country is going to make it to tomorrow, much less next week or next year.
Will our republic and our democracy survive the pillaging of our National Treasury? Are we going to bow down to corruption, greed and these rich elite fucks for years to come? Will America survive this traitor? Will America survive the republican traitors who serve that beast? What American secrets has he or his cronies sold to those who hate us(a) even more than our own president does?
I never imagined I’d be living through actual and notable American history. I do have to put on my therapist hat for a few minutes to talk about your resiliency. “Hey America- YOUR RESILIENCY IS SHOWING!” “Ooo, and what a big thick resiliency you’ve been endowed by your creator with.” Yummmy.
You, we, they/them, might be scared AF right now, but we are unwavering in our beliefs that everybody deserves a seat at the table. Frankly, I’m tired of the wealthy living off our treasury, being welfare queens, and then taking food from the plates of hungry American children. It’s super gaaaayross. I don’t know how many more times we need them to prove to us(a) that they don’t give a shit about the majority of Americans and would literally take the food out of the mouths of your children.
I feel like my body and mind are staying ready – “cause if you stay ready, you aint gotz to get ready.” I’m in an ebb and flow or fluctuating status of fight or flight. Well really there’s fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode and I hate to say it but I’m ready for the next bad thing he is going to do- I don’t want it to happen, but I know he’s the devil and the next bad thing is around the corner.
I think if/when it comes down to it, I’m more a fight kinda gay, but I get not all of us(a) are. I hate feeling that way…and would love to cycle out of it, if our country would only let me. I want peace- I long for it. But things I know to be true…I know when a fat ugly wart hog piggie is cornered and feeling threatened, he/they will attack without regard for who gets hurt. I don’t doubt that he’d sacrifice all of our lives, our country, land, the lives of our military members and resources to enrich himself or to never have to be held accountable for his traitorous and criminal actions. He’s a fuckin convicted rapist.
I’ve said before, I’m a human (just like many of you) who has experienced more than my fair share of heartbreak. But this is different. It’s the first time in my life to ever hold such big space of disappointment in my heart, right next to the heartbreak this life has shown me- for the state of my country.
Both are alive in my chest – so every small chance at peace I get (especially in my home or garden) I take it. The grave disappointment in my country of which I speak comes from what we all see has happened in our United States of America. It’s fallen from grace, and right into the hands of evil greedy people who have disregard for American life. Again, I know so many of us(a) carry that same disappointment—I’m not alone and neither are you! It’s been a deep wound that hasn’t been allowed to heal yet and it festers every day by his actions. But it may just get the chance to heal one day; I don’t know if you’ve noticed in the last couple weeks- America is waking the fuck up. And it’s about fuckin time.
Finally, farmers are realizing they were the actual target for those billionaires, JD Vance and his company that buys farms they deliberately bankrupt in order to purchase for pennies on the dollar. All those farmers got fucked and robbed by trump and his rich greedy friends and are now realizing that maybe “Woke” is not such a bad thing to be, because when you sleep through it- you end up with greedy self-serving corrupt republicans who will sell their fellow American’s happiness to the highest bidder. And that includes their family farms. It only took this administration fn with soybean, beef and now hemp farmers for them to realize they need to wake the fuck up, vote for people who have their best interests in mind, because this administration and billionaires don’t give a fuck about them.
I think this uncertainty in our country, and it’s shift in morality only adds to the heartache of losing my son a few years before I moved here. No, beeoches- he didn’t die, but he did make some bad decisions that hurt me to the core of my being. It’s my biggest heartbreak. For those who don’t know, I adopted teenager when he was 14. He came to my home at 12 or 13 and I knew him for a bit before that too.
Yes, these may be some scary as fuck times but that fear goes away when you disarm and neutralize that demon. In fact, it might even turn into your strength. I hope it does… and I hope you use our country’s adverse experiences caused by this devil to embolden you to cause change to happen in your neighborhoods, churches, and states. Your voice and lives matter to me and so many other people. Don’t ever forget that! Don’t ever let them make you forget that.
In this darkness, I can still see the light. I look for the glimmers within our own communities. They are magnified even more in the darkness. My own fears are easily replaced with patriotism and love for my country, my countrymen and women, freedom, equality, and God.
To see MAGA Americans finally waking up to realize that being “Woke” is not such a bad thing- is welcomed. They’re finally seeing he and his billionaire friends don’t give a shit about them and protecting rich pedophiles is not a good look.
They’ve proven they will hurt children, will steal your generational family farms, our healthcare, kill education, raid our treasury and MAGA is finally realizing the impact affects them just as much as it does the rest of us(a).
To be Continued….
God Bless the USA, My Mexican People, My Queer Community & YOU,
The Happy, Scared, Brave, and Patriotic Homo
PS So sad to have the thought or little to no doubt they ordered or would order the killing of those National Guards members just so they didn’t have to follow that judge’s order. These people are disgusting criminals who will stop at nothing to steal everything we have- including our way of life. God bless our Military and God Bless the USA. I pray for those soldiers who were attacked and for their families. God help us(a).
PSS Tonight at dinner we talked about a mutual person we have in common. I said, “Once someone shows me they are a liar, I have no room for them in my close circle. Why would I?” This holds true for people in everyday life and this entire administration. They are fucking lying thieves who would hurt anyone and everyone that stands in their way. Let us(a) all stand in their way if we must. The world is hard enough- our country is proving to be hard enough….. I don’t need someone in my close circle I can’t trust.
PSSS Fuck these evil bitches. We must remember we are stronger together than we are apart. YOU are not alone. We are going through this traumatic moment in American history together. I got you boo. 🙂 *hugs you*
PSSSS Did you hear the Christina Aguilera is doing a Christmas cinema special??? EEEEEEE!
