As a psychotherapist I get to see firsthand the wounds the world inflicts on our people and how that causes fear and stagnation. I dig my job because I get to see wounds (past and present), far beyond the callouses and shields we form or put up to keep us safe. I get to see the real person, underneath it all; at least that’s the goal. Sometimes I realize, holy shit this person has forgotten how fantastic and amazing they are. In my mind I’m saying, “Oh shit, this little homo forgot who they are.” They’ve forgotten what awesome shit they bring to the table, and they forgot they too are deserving of love and that their love is deserving of being received by someone else.
Pain does some crazy shit to us. It can paralyze us if we let it. It can turn someone into a feral cat just hissing, biting, and longing to scratch the next passerby. It can turn us against each other if we aren’t careful. But it can also be a catalyst to get things done or for change. It can be the motivation to do something great, to be kind or to even write this blog post. Pain can be turned into something beautiful; we just must address it, name it, and figure out how to make it less toxic for us. Let’s face it- most of us carry around some form of pain.
As someone who reminds himself how fantastic he is sometimes, yes, I said it bitch, I’m fantastic and I see how easy it is to forget. As queer people our world tells us what it thinks of us and so many times it’s so wrong. We turn on the news to the “safe channels” and hear how these extreme right wing nut cases are coming for us and our rights. Even if they don’t succeed, I pray to God they don’t, they have already wounded many of our community members that aren’t built to withstand it like you or me- with just their words. It’s hard to take so many hits without returning any and be unscathed. It’s almost impossible.
I realize being a really gay brown dude from Utah I’ve led a life trying to prove to others that I was or am a good person. I tried all the things I thought I was supposed to do- everything except for not being gay or brown. Ain’t dat somebullshit! A life trying to prove how average and deserving I was of fairness and equality, while dimming my light as to not offend others. When it comes down to it, we as gay people are hardly average at all. We’ve had to learn how to navigate in the shadows, in darkness and within so called safe spaces. Those mother fuckers were never going to give me their approval. They were never going to see that I’m a good person and they aren’t going to see you as a good person either. I got caught up in trying to live a good life to prove how good I am that I forgot the big picture. I forgot, if I remember that I’m good- that is enough. I don’t have to prove to anyone anymore that I’m a good person. Bitch, I know I’m a good person.
The bullies or oppressors from Utah were never going to give me their stamp of approval. They were never going to be my friend. They certainly weren’t going to have my best interest at heart, pay me equally, or believe that I didn’t do something to prompt someone else’s bad behavior. I was never going to be given a chance to thrive. Thank GOD I got out there. To want the approval of your oppressors is some other level of brainwashing or mind fuck. That “church” where they claim to worship Jesus, the One who came as Love- they never were going to grant me a membership, no Ma’am. That “church” was never gonna love me as I am. Why do I care so much about their approval? I now realize that I don’t have to depend on them to survive in their world, with the hopes to one day thrive in their world. I don’t need to give a shit about what they think about me at all. I got out of their world and out of Utah. I never thought I was going to be able to leave. Fuck them. Same thing goes to the Marjorie Taylor Gross Greens and Matt Gaetz’ of the world, fuck ‘em. They are never going to be your friends. Why waste your time trying? They are your enemy- they don’t want good things for you. Don’t build your worth from the rocks that people throw at you!
I think of myself as a pretty resilient mother fucker. I had/have to be, I’ve been through too much. Yes, despite their efforts to break my spirit, I stand. I stand for myself, for you, and the many that are too scared to reach out to one another because of the lifetime of rejection many have faced, it’s just too great a burden to carry. They don’t believe they can take one more hit. They’re afraid to even try. They made it here to the Land of Milk and Hunnies, hunny, but that’s it. They are stagnant in their pain and rejection from yesteryear. They need your help to self-actualize. (I’m finally on my way there- even with the recent bumps in the road. At least I hope.)
I want to focus my attention on our community, right here. I want to share love. I want to talk about acceptance and real love- loving each other just as we are. I think that is how God or whomever meant it to be, and people just got it all wrong. Bitch, a large heptagon is not going to fit in their narrow square world view, not even with poppers. It’s fine, I accept it and am glad there is Palm Springs.
That’s where we get to define or redefine our community and chosen families. What does it mean when we say that we hope to work in a safe place long enough to earn enough money to retire, move to Palm Springs, grow old and die? That’s the wish of so many future Palm Springs residents. It means we have to protect that idea, that dream. If this is our utopia, then why are so many of us unhappy? Are we all unrealistic with our ideas of happiness? Or it something else? Is it that we finally made it to a gay man’s utopia but were so wounded it’s hard to thrive? Then when we finally feel the wound beginning to heal, why are we are so quick to reopen their wounds and ours a like? Why do we devour our own? Have we been expected to be perfect in order to be welcomed and accepted in our communities back home? And is it that idea of perfection we are carrying forth and now we expect or impose that on our gay brothers? What’s so wrong with a little brokenness? It’s beautiful.
Remember the “church”, the Greens, the Gaetz’ and traitor trumpers of the world, they are never going to be our friends. Let that sink in! Never are they ever going to be our friends and that’s at no fault of our own. These are the real enemies. Not each other. At least I hope not. If we are, we are doing something wrong. This is supposed to be our safe haven. The worst wild animals we should have to face is a coyote getting our four-legged friends or the occasional traitor trumper passing through, but not each other. If you have to hate or have an enemy properly identify them.
How do we let each other know it’s okay to really be ourselves and let our guards down? I see the way some of you come after each other in those FB Palm Springs Gay Men’s Rooms. Its like you just can’t pass up the opportunity to try and cut another person down. Why is that? I once asked for recommendations to a dentist and said, “preferably gay.” I didn’t even add any naughty comments to it, like, “Ooo, I want a gay dentist to shove his tools in my mouth.” Nothing like that and yet, yet there were some cunty comments from spectators. Instead of asking why I was seeking a gay dentist, they tried to tear into me. I simply responded that I wanted to intentionally support gay owned businesses, especially when the world sometimes makes a point not to. I pointed out that was a weird thing to be cunty about and they removed their negative posts.
This may be okay to do to someone like me who is well versed in cunty-lingo. But for others? Someone who was just mustering up the courage to reach out and connect with their community could be pushed back in the other direction. The things I often like to ask myself when a cunt comes for me, 1. Is it because I’m gay? 2- Is it because I’m really, really gay? 3- Is it because I’m Mexican? 4- Is it because they are insecure or there is an audience 5- Are they jealous 6- Do I have to cut this bitch down with my words? 7- Do I know where the exits are? I find #2 to be the strangest question of them all. Only because there are some gay men who believe just because they are butch or straight acting that it makes them a different kind of gay then the rest of us. It’s strange to be a self-hating gay or to hate community members because they are queens. Bitch, you suck dick and take it in the ass just like rest of us; don’t get it confused and then get cut down by a really, really gay bitch’s sharp words.
If you or we are going to have words with each other out there or online, let them be kind ones. I get it, sometimes you can’t do that, it’s not an option and someone really needs to get cussed the fuck out. I get that! (See 1-5 above) How do we distinguish that we are not each other’s enemies? How do we send that message to those who are so wounded they are scared to come out of their protective shells and participate in our community.
Do we holler, “Hey Guys, I think it’s okay to come out!” Their shells served their purpose but now we get to be happy here, don’t we? If not than what was all that hard work for? Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, our safe cities are limited and seem to be dwindling even further. Seems like they have the world to choose from. We don’t. Many of us just have Palm Springs, this is their last stop. It very well could be mine. When do we get to put our guards down? When do the wounded brothers get the big welcoming into this city they’ve lived in for so long without? Some don’t think there are enough safe spaces to exist in, even here and they never leave their homes. They feel like they don’t belong in your bars, gyms, events, or parties. Some of you may be thinking, “Well that’s on them, were here. They just need to come out.” Well, they’ve tried, some many, many times. They looked for connection and found none. They feel alone and some of them feel lonely. Despite your bitchy self-centered outlook on life, I feel like we should worry about them. In a city filled with other gay men we shouldn’t feel like we have no tribe. They are our gay brothers and we should care about the welfare of our brothers and sisters no matter their age, race, abilities or sexual positions.
So, my new Cancer diagnosis has me worried and has me trying to put things in the order of most importance. If my time here is really limited, as it could be, the message I would want to share is be nicer to each other. Be nice to your fellow gay as fuck homosexual. Especially here, in the Land of Milk and Hunnies, Hunny. If we weren’t born here… then we made it here! We should be able to enjoy it! Some of us made it just in the nick of time. Then again, some of us might not have a lot of time to waste with infighting or cussing a #2 out or putting a #3 in their place. What’s it going to hurt if you invite one more person to your party, maybe the older one? Or maybe the chubby one. Maybe the 80-year-old? They need you.
Can we as a community finally get to a place where we can all metaphorically take a big hit of poppers and just relax? Relax, let our guards down and let others in? Can we inhale, let go, and be happy? With my type of cancer, I’m more susceptible and at a higher risk for a stroke, heart attack, or blood clots (you know some of the same things all of you are likely going to die from). This made me think, does this mean I can’t do poppers anymore? Because it messes with the blood gases in your brain or whatever. (If I ever did do poppers in the first place that is…. and of course I have- I am a fucking gay guy.) I also believe that blood thinners are a possible treatment for this specific type of cancer. So, great now I’m going to bleed out from any rip or tear?
Then continuing down that bunny hole, if I can’t do poppers anymore, then there are going to be limits on my selection of men here in Palm Mother Fucking Springs because some of you have these big ol’ monster wieners. Genetics? Over use? Stretches? I don’t know but it is quite surprising. And if it’s a big surprise, that’s going to have to be a no from me. They are all nice to look at and stuff but in real life with out poppers that’s going to be a definite no entry here kind sir. Either no or I risk it and use poppers while on blood thinners and take one of your big old dicks, I bleed out, and I die with a smile on my face. Yes, I just spiraled but that doesn’t sound like a bad death either.
Relax, it’s just poppers and cancer. The moral of this post is I don’t give a fuck about your high morals if you’re not a good person and don’t know how to be kind to your fellow human being. We are not each other’s enemies here in Palm Springs- we are fighting the same fight. Out there- they are our enemies. They don’t like us and we don’t have to like them but we have to live together. We have to make sure our safe spaces remain safe for all of us.
Best meme today, “In a world of George Santos’, be a Pete Buttigieg!”
Love you,
The Happy Homo
