Tis that time of the year again… yup, “New Year’s Resolution” time. But I realize that I no longer like calling it that. Its sounds so played out and easily forgotten. It’s almost saying let’s say something out loud, perhaps something unattainable, that we already know we are going to forget about by the end of February and disappoint ourselves. Even so I believe how we enter in the new year matters.
I’m excited to start mine w/ JLo in Las Vegas and maybe getting some. I really want to set a tone or intention for the coming year, ya know? No better way to start the year that I can think of. Usually, every year I talk to my clients about setting an intention for the upcoming new year. Because intentions have everything to do with all aspects in life and our purpose. I mean, you don’t want people around you that have bad intentions of hurting you in some way, instead of allowing you to just be. It’s important- intentions are important.
This year I’ve asked my clients to do something different. I sent an email to my clients:
“As we enter in the New Year, I want to ensure you I will strive to continue to provide you a safe space to emote and be yourself- just as you are. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your journey and I very much appreciate you being a part of mine. I’ve been challenging people to identify 1 thing that no longer serves you that you can leave behind in 2025; something that has possibly held you back a bit. Then identify something that does serve you that you are boldly taking with you into 2026. Let’s talk about that next time I see you.”
What would be your thing that no longer serves you, that you would be better off leaving in 2025? Here’s mine…its super personal, long winded and a bit of an overshare but it does make me feel better processing it and letting it go. I’m a work in progress too. And sometimes when your down at your lowest point- the world has a way of kicking you while your down. The world can even go berserk all around you. But I’m here to tell you that you can survive it, you can also thrive it- if you don’t give up. But in the mist of it all I still find myself thinking, “What the fuck happened to this world?” “Has everyone gone fucking mad?”
Not only am I recovering from a broken heart from the loss of my adopted son, but America fucking changed too. It got worse, meaner, and cruel. I screamed from the top of my lungs before and during his last term, how I thought he was the devil and a lot of people thought I was overreacting. Turns out I was not and he is the evil that makes up the antichrist.
In addition to grieving a son that won’t likely ever return I’m also grieving a home and life that I’ve left behind in Utah. (Even if leaving was for the best- I still miss home.) Then added grief for a country that might not make it through his second term and the loss of a sense of safety and security that goes with his evil actions and having a brown face.
Lets get into it… I come in honesty and for healing purposes. I fought or argued with family members and friends during that time, the worst time of my life. I feel like people all around me knew or sensed I was deeply wounded and everywhere I went I was chum in the water.
I am not sure if they even recognized my woundedness at that time or the fact that I needed the support and love from friends and family the most. I don’t think people know that I expected more out of them than I received and that hurt me too (past tense). But how am I to carry that hurt with me, if they don’t even know what I perceive they did wrong? It’s my responsibility to deal with my own feelings, emotions and expectations. I should have made it a little clearer that I needed them so much more than what they showed up for, but guess I did not.
There was a lot of loss and change that took place over the last few years. Family dynamics even changed too. I probably didn’t respond the way I should have all the time. I was a wounded animal, a feral cat in pain and needed some TLC but it was not as prevalent as I needed. It’s not always possible to be the strong one and it sucks that people think that I could do all things by myself.
There is one person that I regret and feel the most loss for and that is my sister. You know, sometimes siblings also have the benefit of a lifelong built in friendship. Although we clearly weren’t besties, we talked almost everyday and showed up for each other and each other’s kids. Then one night our friendship ended.
We had a fight, an argument that would change the trajectory of our relationship. It feels like it was out of nowhere or perhaps because I was being an annoying little brother; not sure. We were both out of line and had too much to drink. That’s the one I regret the most because it sure would have been nice to talk to my sister during this move, the cancer scare, the work bully, and crazy roommate experience. We used to talk all the time and that’s gone. It also had a spillover effect for my nieces and nephew (which I would also change if I could.).
The difficult thing about it is, people in the Castillo family don’t really know how to apologize, forgive or admit that they’re wrong, or acknowledge their part in wrongdoings. I was just as “Castillo” about it as any other – I wasn’t perfect and have my fair share of blame. I think it may just be a generational issue, which I’ve now broken. I recognize my wrongness in it and how significant that loss was and is, devastating really.
That’s not all, there’s more. Then two of best friends (for decades) really showed me who they were during that rough time of my life. And it wasn’t anything kind or loving, and nothing that I could accept moving forward. Goodness, that was painful in itself. That’s a lot of time and love that feels wasted. Could I have invested in better friends? These were friendships I thought would be life long, but I twas wrong.
One of them stayed with me in my Utah home, while they waited for their new home to come available to move into. He got drunk, blacked out and was trashing my house. Throwing shit against the walls in fits of anger at his own sibling. It took everything in me not to snatch him up that night, and I didn’t because I love(d) him. What’s worse is the next day, he doubled down and instead of apologizing he blamed me. He told friends I was the one throwing shit against the walls in my own home. As if! I get it- you drank too much. It happens – we’ve all done it, but I refuse to let someone trash my home. It’s all I have. It’s a culmination of hard work and climbing over all the barriers it took to become a homeowner in the first place. It’s my place of refuge and safety. Although it may not be much to some – it is to me. What a sad end to a friendship.
The other … well he’s battled a lifetime with addiction and can’t see past his own nose. He was (maybe is) in a battle for his own soul, so how could I expect my best friend to show up for me in the toughest times of my life? I still did expect it though. I’ve grieved the loss of the longest friend-ship I had, cause that ship has sailed away. There’s only so many times that you let someone back into your life after shitting on your friendship -over and over again. Friendship is a two way street and if you are a selfish human being to begin with -before substances and it gets magnified when your using, well I gotz nothing for you. Self-preservation mandatory.
Let’s see…that’s on top of a loss of a relationship with a mother figure whom I lived with during a homeless stint when I was younger. She went Maga, went crazy and went down the rabbit hole (we just reconnected and she apologized and I’m so glad because I missed her.). Then there are all the other relationships that were lost, along with the respect for those other Maga people in my Utah life- family, friends and people I grew up with my whole life. Sadly, this included a foster son that lived with James and me for a while. You don’t get to come at me sideways as a Maga turd and speak negative towards me and call me names. Boundary violation for sure and termination of relationship for as long as they don’t know how to apologize and improve your behaviors. Like I said -lots of loss.
Then fast forward to Palm Springs…another so called best friend came to visit and got super cunty. We argued, he left and we haven’t talked sense. We do this every couple of years (argue) but this time was different. He’s also a decades-long friend. This was just as eye-opening visit for me. There’s kind of a funny, not so funny story in there and I can write about it later. But I will share that I’m not going to allow some young drunk twink he wanted to fuck slap me 3 times without a response. I gave warnings… and well it’s a story for another time. But he should have had my back the first warning I gave. The old- pretherapy me wouldn’t have been strong enough to hold back. I’m trying something new here because the old way doesn’t serve me anymore, unless its for safety.
I realize that I’m the constant in all of this and I played a role in those arguments and those losses. Some valid as fuck and the other stupid. The loss of relationships with Maga people- necessary- especially after all that has been ru’vealed in those files and all the harm that’s being done to brown people across our nation. All the abuse, rape, child molestation, and possibly murder has all come to light- in those files. I just can’t fuck with people who have negative intentions for me, my peoples, my community or my country.
I say all of this because I realize I’ve been holding on to hurt when maybe those people didn’t realize how broken hearted and wounded, I was at that time. I don’t remember any of them or others calling to ask if I was okay after my son ran away. I could have really used a hug in those moments. I probably would have just melted into a puddle. I had very hurt feelings about that whole thing and I can’t be mad at people for not showing up, or knowing that I’m mad at them for not giving me a hug in such a painful moment of my life. I also wonder why didn’t they realize I needed them and a hug? I feel like I put out- HUG ME- vibes all the time. I’m wondering if they are not as welcoming as I thought. Could they possibly be prickly? Do I need to soften my own edges when I’m in trauma response mode? Probably.
So that’s what I’m getting rid of- I’m letting go of the anger I have for people who were important to me and my life who I feel failed to show up. These peeps I really thought would know how bad I hurt and that I actually needed a hug instead of silence. I’m closing or getting out of a significant traumatic response in my life and the spillover from that trauma also has to be wiped and cleaned up.
I’m sure I would have snot slobbered all over whose ever shoulder showed up for me back then, but they didn’t. So how I feel about that is a feeling only I can control. And if someone doesn’t recognize how broken you are in that moment (friends or family) and I didn’t tell them I needed a hug then, why am I going to carry it forward? They literally didn’t know, they should have, and I thought they would have, but they didn’t; or they did. The ended friendships, well no one has ever apologized for their own actions- so I recognize that, and make a decision to end the grieving/loss process and heal. I’m healing and in some cases healed. I’m letting it go- it doesn’t serve me to carry it forward.
That’s some Titanic like behavior if I weren’t to let it go and those feelings would only make me sink. Life happens and sometimes things don’t go as planned, or people can disappoint you. I release it and leave it in 2025. I’m going to take the lifeboat and save myself. I choose me and in doing so I can fully embrace my future by letting go of the past.
The thing that I take with me boldly into 2026 is that I deserve life, liberty, and to pursue my own happiness here in Palm Springs and these United States of America. And so do you-Mexicans/Latinos, queer/trans people, and the poor and elderly. We all do! Sometimes it’s easier to cut your losses, accept and grieve the loss of friendships and save yourself, that’s okay.
I deserve to be treated better and if any of those people I mentioned above were so wounded and hurt like I twas- I’d have happily given my shoulder and more. I would have never done those things or behaved so poorly in your time of need. But the world is hurting, and our country is on fire so how much accountability is mine or theirs? I get it life was hardcore lifeing then- but how the rest of my life looks is going to be up to me.
Perhaps its okay to go out and make new life long friendships and that’s just what I intend to do. I’m going to be looking for and need friends and people in my life who show up for me just as hard as I do them. One bestie has showed up for me the whole time and I recognize just who I can depend on if/when my next heartbreak happens. And heartbreaks are going to happen. Again, that’s life lifeing. Grief and loss are part of life and I’m a flawed human being just like many of you. I expect future heart breaks or disappointments. I’m far from perfect but I also know my worth, how to treat friends, how I expect to be treated, and apologize when I’m wrong. I also am ready to love and to let down walls.
Letting go of all that shit in the past is going to free me up for more of everything out here in the desert. So, there was a lot of loss, on top of a lot of grief, on top of loss, on top of a lot of grief the last couple to 5 or so years. I’m letting go, forgiving my part in the loss and theirs. Letting go of being upset with people who should have, could have given me a hug during one of the roughest times of my life, people I’d have done the same for or have.
I may usually give off a “Tough Cookie” vibe but even cookies crumble under pressure, BUT they are almost always delicious. Time to move on and up- and ready to embrace 2026. Word vomiting this post has already helped and is freeing me up for so much more. I’m getting there, it takes me a minute to get situated and to feel safe, but I’m getting there.
That reminds me, I’m going to JLO for/in the New Year. I got really good tickets and am as happy as a JLo Lovin Homo could be. I’m finally getting over this cold that took me out for two weeks and hope to be perfect by the concert date. I haven’t said anything about it lately cause I don’t want to jinx the concert! (Not like the last concert when I bought tickets before getting a conflicting back surgery date or the other concert that got cancelled after I bought tickets. I’ve been waiting for this night for so long.)
Ugh, I have to say it…. I’m afraid that the fat orange piggy is going to hurt or wound America by then and the concert gets cancelled or worse, America dies. Can’t wait for his reign of terror to be over. And I can’t wait for this concert. Eeeee!
So that’s how I’m starting my new year… I’m going to what makes me happy, how about you?
Looksie, we all know our primary goal is really getting that traitor, pedo, and possibly murderer out of the White House. The stuff that recently came out in the Epstein files is disturbing af and involves the death of a 14-year-old girl. Don’t overlook that! Research it for yourselves (from creditable sources) and then make decisions based on the evidence before you. And even beyond that – all the things he’s done to destroy our country this whole time can’t be overlooked or forgiven. I can’t wait for his reign of terror to be over and our country to be run for and by the people again; instead of for the rich greed driven oligarchs.
But besides making our country healthy and well again, by undoing him and everything he did, participating in elections and showing up when its important are now mandatory. Sometimes it’s hard to look inward and self-reflect or even heal when it’s such a scary time in our country, and around the globe but its possible. I have clients doing it all the time… I’m doing it right now. Evil doesn’t get to win- but you must show up to the fight or it will. Our country needs a hug right now and we need to show up for it and each other.
Whew, I feel lighter already.
Happy New Years!
The Happy Homo
PS Google current food recalls in America and recognize and acknowledge that scary feeling in your gut. That’s why it matters who we have leading our country and running our government. Then google outbreaks of measles in the US, ick. It matters because your life, our lives could depend on it. He has no fucks to give about our lives, the American people or our way of life.
PSS I attended church this last week via online because I’m getting over this cold and (although feeling a bit better) have congestion. The visiting Father or Pastor (I don’t know their preferred terminology but would use it correctly if I did) gave a great sermon. He even sang in some of it, which I always love. He closed with this message which was beautiful and perfect for the times we currently find ourselves in. I loved it and wanted to share…
“Do not be disheartened by the brokenness of this world. All things break and all things can be mended. Not as they say with time, but with intention. So go Love intentionally, extravagantly- unconditionally. The darkness of this broken world waits for the light that is you.”
PSSS I couldn’t afford the meet and greet so I’m going to be screaming from the front rows, “Please sign my record.” I bought a copy of, “Kiss of the Spider Woman” and I pray I get it signed. Eeeeeee!
PSSSS PS I love you and send you a virtual hug if you need it. *HUGS* for the heals of it!
