In my last post I was calling out so many of those mean gay bitches out there that carry such a heavy chip on their shoulders that they thrust it upon others to help carry the burden. I often ask my clients about “Why are you carrying around other people’s luggage for them?” I like to acknowledge what the problem really is? Is it someone’s negative behavior towards you? Does this person matter in the big scheme of things? If so even that has a shelf life and shouldn’t be holding you back from living your best life.
Often times, we get so use to the chaos that intentionally finds us while we are living in the regular heteronormative world that we recreate it in what are supposed to be safe spaces. We are so hurt and yes most of the time the saying, “Hurt people- hurt people”, is true. We often try to one up our equals in order to create a false sense of superiority. Same goes for the saying, “Lied to people- lie to people.” This means that we regurgitate the evil words that have been spoken to us on others. “Well, they told me I wasn’t loveable and that must mean I’m a terrible person and that you are also not loveable and a terrible person.”
This is some bullshit! It’s a cycle of abuse and often we perpetuate the cycle without even realizing its origins. Its origins usually stem from a homophobic Bible beating stereotype that never created enough space for us to exist in the first place. Back to the luggage. It starts when someone is being a dick to you and you realize, “Oh this really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.” Then you begin to ask yourself if they are use to chaos and are recreating it or are they truly not feeling safe. Because that what so much anxiety stems from, from not feeling safe. Safety is a huge factor if we want to self-actualize or want our community members to do so as well.
So, this post is for those of you who are like my clients who are afraid to venture out. Yup, it’s a scary fucking world out there. Yup, not everyone is going to have your best interest in mind. Yup, there are going to be some really fucking bitches out there you are going to encounter but do it anyway! You, like me, have dimmed your light too much. Its time to burn bright and find those who are going to love you just as you are.
What do I know? So much less happiness than I deserve. With a Master’s Degree, I realize- holy shit- I don’t know shit! And there is only one way to change that – putting myself out there. I’m very Utah-centric and maybe Polyanna as fuck but I’m willing to put myself out there, I hope you do too. No matter your age, race, income, abilities, or dick size there people who want to love you here in Palm Springs, if you let them.
I’m typing this right now in my underwear, dog hair all about, and have only brushed my teeth today. No shower. The reason why I am sharing is to prove a point, if as funky and smelly as I am right now, I am still able to get laid- without taking a shower, then I hope you realize your stinky potential too. There is someone for everyone out here, you just can’t get discouraged. Heat break is part of this beautiful life experience we have. You have to keep trying. What’s the alternative? No more love? I love love too much to be that discouraged. But it is scary to find your people, safe people where you can just be and that is enough.
If you look at it, it’s really a numbers game. As someone who hates math, I’m just going to ask you to believe me, cause I even math metaphors bore me. Okay, out of 10 hoes, 9 may turn you down. If 1 says yes that’s all you need babe to have fun. Fuck those other 9, or let them fuck someone else. These encounters don’t have to be long, if you don’t want them to. You can also just get to know someone and let those guards down slowly. Safely. Humans, even homos, are designed to be social creatures. We are designed to be loved and when that doesn’t happen, our guards and knives come out.
If there is one thing I’ve learned since last summer is – time is short and life is meant to be lived and loved. I never imagined that I would have an almost 80-year-old best gay friend. I also didn’t think I’d be getting a cancer diagnosis at 45 years old. And I didn’t imagine when I wrote the article about why to befriend an 80-year-old or the one reason not to, that longevity and hurt was the hesitation. When it turns out, Ron may outlive me. I didn’t see if from that standpoint. I really didn’t see that coming and wow- that is a perspective changer for sure!
There was a moment when I realized – Oh shit I really do love this old grumpy bitch. One day, a few months back, Ron caught the flu/cold and just like it does for many of us humans it caused some tummy issues, and he had an accident. Accident meaning, he shit himself because he wasn’t feeling good and didn’t make it to the toilet. Happens to everybody! Don’t lie you judgy bitch! You probably sitting in some shit stained underwear right now! I digress, Ron was embarrassed and I said, “Fuck lady everyone shits themselves at some point or at different points. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Your sick. Shit happens.”
I then offered up my shampooer and spot bot to clean up the mess and I offered to do it for him. That’s when I realized, “Oh bitch you done caught the feelings for this little old grumpy bitch. You love him.”
If talking about shit and getting old totally grosses you out then you are probably not going to ever want to hear about douching. After all- you all are fucking butts. Just saying.
So, the message I’m trying to drive home is, BB! My favorite is to BB! To Be Brave! Be brave and find some friends who may just love you enough to clean up your shit if you get sick. So to finish up with the story, Ron didn’t take me up on the offer. He did it himself and had a cleaning person help him. But- I was totally willing and that’s how much I adore that old cranky bitch. I’m so glad he didn’t take me up on the offer too. I don’t make the best nurse because of my gag reflex but hey I was and am willing to dry heave my way through any accident Ron may have- because he’s my friend and I love him.
Being brave for me has really paid off. Moving to Palm Springs, befriending an almost 80-year-old gay man and working with my favorite clients I’ve ever had the chance to work with in my career, has totally been worth it. The no snow and the fresh fruit on these beautiful trees- totally worth the discomfort of fear. I’m glad that it turned out so well.
What are you willing to change in order to improve your friendship or lover circle? Maybe its looking up and walking around with a smile at the grocery store, instead of looking down? Maybe its joining a morning walk group or a senior center? Maybe its asking a neighbor to a movie. Whatever the fuck it is for you- be brave about it. You are worth the discomfort it will bring and you can always go home if it gets too uncomfortable. But you are worth the discomfort because it may just be the love and friendship you’ve been needing your whole life.
BB= Be Brave
Be Brave,
The Happy Homo
