On Tuesday I had my first appointment with the oncologist/hematologist. It’s at a pretty hospital that I drive by everyday on my way to work. I’m not going to lie; it was pretty scary going to do this by myself. It has all been a bit of a mind fuck of a roller coaster ride. The last week I’ve done absolutely nothing except for appointments, binge eat junk food and veggies, and binge watch, “Nora From Queens” (Hilarious – you should watch it too) and “Gossip Girl.” Fun and relaxing time for reflection.
So back to Tuesday…
I was conflicted on what to wear but I knew that it should be something Wonder Woman or JLo, in order to harness my inner Goddess and warrior. I thought, “Do I wear the Wonder Woman head?” Maybe it’s a little too much for my first appointment, maybe the second one? I kept telling myself, “You can do hard things. You got this.”
Taylor Swift plays in the background,
Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the friendship bracelets
Take the moment and taste it
You’ve got no reason to be afraid
You’re on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this
You’re on your own, kid
You always have been
I fucking got this.
I arrived in a cramped parking structure feeling lost. The employees were all nice and helpful. I sat in the lobby of the oncologist office filling out paperwork when a lady came by with her two dogs. Yay, therapy dogs! I got to love on them and share pics of my own little babies. A lady called out, “Jose? Jose?” I forget that’s me sometimes. I stood up and walked to the registration office and each of the partitions are blinged out in pink sparkles, my fucking favorite! Dogs and sparkles- winning so far.
I meet the doctor, Dr. Moorehead. (Insert joke here). Is this his real name or is he just trying to drum up some business in such a gay as fuck town? In a place where there are a bunch of horny homos- this last name can be unfortunate or really be the best icebreaker ever! Either way, sign me up!
The doctor, he’s a cute, little older white man with a HUGE bulge in his pants. It looked like he was hiding a baby doll’s head in his fucking pants. I wanted to ask him if he had cancer down there or if that was a tumor. I imagined he’d respond in an Arnold voice, “No, it’s not a tumor- it’s my deeek.” (In my imagination Arnold pronounces dick as deeek). I imagined I would need a closer inspection just to make sure (Arnold voice), “It’s not a tumor.” I know its highly inappropriate to crotch surf your doctor but humor is how I process things. Then in my fantasy he would say, “It is going to need mouth to deeek resuscitation, stat!” Or, I wonder if he needs an appointment with Dr. Pimple Popper? Lipoma? I wonder if he brought his Wonder Woman head too and just wore it incorrectly? Maybe I’ve been wearing it incorrectly?
I digress, sometimes my imagination gets the best of me. The doctor asked a whole bunch of questions and ordered more labs, 10 more vials gone. Good, if I make too much of it -take all you need. I forgot to ask about vampire facials, poppers, and aspirin along with so many questions I will write down for my return appointment in 2 weeks.
“Is it time to freak out?” He responded, “No, don’t freak out yet.” I replied, “Are you sure?” He replied, “Yes, its too early to freak out.” I thought, “Umm, I can freak out anytime of the day. Should I wait until after 5 PM?” I realize he meant in general, too early to freak out right now- in general.
It was kind of a blur and felt like it wasn’t real. He did ask me a weird question about sleep. “Do you have sleep apnea?” Turns out if you have sleep apnea and don’t get it treated it can send a message to your bone marrow to create more blood than you need. He then asked what my partner says about me sleeping or people who have slept over. (I thought, hmmm … is he flirting? LOL ) I told him, “People don’t get to sleep over. I have dogs that sleep in the bed, and they never complain.” I mean how presumptuous that I would let someone sleep over after having sex or whatever, ew no. Do not get comfortable, do not fall asleep, don’t pull up the covers, and no don’t close your eyes cause your going to fall asleep and my dogs are going to be mad. Here’s your clothes, a good night kiss, and a “Call you later.”
My doctor was a complete professional and if I don’t see the humor in things it’ll be hard to get through it all. I choose humor. I do have to be honest, this has been a weird fucking trip/experience. I had a few moments of spiraling and I realize that I’m a human being and I also need to talk to someone, a therapist. I requested one and can’t wait to talk their ear right off. We all need tune ups now and again, even me. I definitely need a tune up.
