Gay Things vs Cruising Fail vs Clumsy Cruiser

This morning, I woke up and the first thought that popped into my mind was fuck Donald Trump! Fuck that gross dementia ridden felon for turning the US into an unsafe third world country. Now that I’m thinking about it, weird – that has been my first thought of the morning for quite some time now; sad. My second thought was, “Oh goodness, I sure am glad I didn’t pee in that handheld urinal (that was overflowing with piss) in my dream last night.” It was like a pee fountain… I know for some that may be a turn on but for me – nah. I stretch, yawn myself awake, and quickly with morning wood at attention, went to the bathroom to take a piss.

As I was taking said piss, again I thought FDJT. And you know what? Fuck the republican party and the Supreme Court for allowing the dismantling of our government. And fuck ICE too for destroying our way of life, devastating families, and murdering the sense of safety we had as Americans across our once great country.

Despite our world crumbling all around us(a) on every television screen, phone, or computer monitor– depicting THE slow suffocation and choking of the USA, Americans are at a loss for what to do. As a therapist I think it’s more important now than ever to have a sense of community, look out for each other, fight for each other, and to protect each other.

None of us(a) get to live forever and there’s no better or honorable way to die than standing up for yourself or your neighbors. I think we should all strive to protect our own freedoms, your fellow countryman’s ability to live without being shot and murdered, and protect our country’s democracy, rule of law, and the freedoms of your fellow countryman and ALL United States Citizens (or non citizens). Would you rather die a free American or a slave under the thumb of a Nazi supremacist dictator? That’s hard stuff to talk about, and sometimes we have to look for the glimmers in our world just to keep sane.

And well gays being gays, sometimes we use sex as a distraction from said crumbling of our democracy. Gays will be guys, I guess.

My oldest gay man and gal pal Rhonda Rae is still being true to his naughty nature. He’s my favorite dirty old gay man and regardless of life’s stressors he usually finds a way to crack my shit up with his dirtTea commentary.

Sometimes I question if I came to the right place at the right time, meaning Palm Springs. I also wonder if I came here too early in life because I’m confined by work and the “other” daily grind that keeps me independent and free while everyone else gets to have the time of their lives. But those crazy intrusive thoughts are quickly challenged and redirected until they go away. This is gay mecca and I love it.

Granted, it is a retirement community and watching people get older and older, isn’t part of the “American Dream” I prepared for. It is heartbreaking that even my American Dream has sadness embedded in it, but that’s part of life and that’s living. What’s not okay is all of our American Dreams are being turned into a nightmare by some crazy fat conman with the vocabulary of a 6^th grader. Ewe.

For examps, it’s hard to see 82 almost 83- year old Ron entering the last phase(s) of his life, but at the same time it’s kinda cool to be there for it too. It’s happy and sad at all at the same time. I recently had to take a little “Ron break” because sometimes I just need a break to clear my head. During that break I heard his daughter had called our friendship “dysfunctional”, but it functions for me most of the time. And I’m sure it functions for him too. Helllllo, what other 80 something year old has a cute Latino buying half of the meals all the time? He sounds pretty lucky to me. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I’d change about him. I don’t love his cheapness or his frugalness. For all the things I don’t like there are tender things I love. And fuck her. I don’t care what she thinks.

I intended to move out to the desert in search of a new life -away from the hate of the Mormon culture, red hatters/haters, and away from fake ass Christians. I sought out to find new friends and family and I did just that. I found one (well a couple) and Ron is one of them. Ron won’t be around forever, and neither will any of us(a). We are all temporary- what should be the constant in this country, beyond our lives, is our democracy and freedoms for generations to come.

That’s why it is so important to use our voices to stand up against tyranny while we can…all the while making connections and loving our community and neighbors. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without Ron here and then I wonder about the same thing for him- in reverse. Like, if I wasn’t here how would he get along? Instead of calling it dysfunctional when someone looks out for the best interests of an elderly family member, perhaps a “thank you” in its place would suffice; but then again the world isn’t nice right now.

Since my back surgery Rhonda Rae hasn’t been shy about telling me how fat I am and about the extra weight I’ve put on or how he doesn’t agree with my spending money on myself to go to JLo. Bitch, no better person to spend my money on than myself!!! It’s my fuckin money, my daily grind, and my struggle. I work hard and deserve a JLo concert now and again. Best day ever!

Besides, that big butted old white bitch doesn’t have the right to comment at all… but he does. Again, most of the time it makes me laugh with all the crazy inappropriate conversations we have and I love it and sometimes it doesn’t! That’s life. He has also been a strong push for me to get back to the gym and get in better shape. He’s also the ever so encouraging voice to get back out there and fuck, go to the gym and to slay some hoes.

So, I did just that… well I did some of that. I hired a trainer and took my chunky behind back to the gym. But that old bitch’s encouragement doesn’t just stop cause I’m at the gym. I hear him in my mind, “Did you try out the sauna yet? The steam room?” “You need to go play around in the steam room. Go get your dick sucked.” “Just play with it a little in the showers.”

I’m not a super public sex kinda person- especially sober. For so many gay men that comes naturally (double entendre), but for me I tend to be a more private person. I know I’m not alone in that…. But for every private gay man there are 25 very horny and adventurous gay men eager to get it in! And that’s okay too- I’m working my way to you.

I also have an internal conflict… I am a gay man and want to do slutty things- like other slutty gay men, but I also don’t want to get in trouble for something so easily avoidable. But then whoremoans kick in…. and at the end of the day, I’m still a gay man. A gay man of humble means that needs to still work. A gay man who hasn’t mastered the skill of the daily grind with the DAILY GRIND.

Sure, I want to go in there and spread both cheeks in an inviting way, like duh- I am a gay guy. But locker rooms have always brought anxious feelings. It hasn’t always felt like a safe space, but it’s different here and the gyms and the locker rooms tend to be more than just a social connection outlet to “plug into”. It’s a huge social connection piece that seems to be a big vein on the dick of this community. I can hear it’s hart beat- *Thump* *Thump* *Thump* *Thump*

So, I purchased a lock for the locker and began my descent to touch the big veiny dick of our community….you know for “social connections”. I began changing into my gym clothes after work in the locker room. It seems like the chubbier I get the more anxiety I have about it. Even with extra padding and anxiety – I know it’s a queer space. And OMFG, there are some hot fucking Daddies up in there like all the time. Dicks flopping to and fro… some long and thick and some so..so.

When I first went back to the gym (post-surgery), I started changing at the furthest row of lockers from the showers and sauna. You know, the one right as you turn the corner and enter into said locker room.

I started an exposure therapy journey of my own. The next time I went to the gym, I stayed a little longer and inched my way up the bench on the same aisle in order to get a better look at the showers. Then the next time, I ended up on the next row… and with each gym visit I slowly made my way up the isle on the same side , then the other side; until I found myself at the end of the middle row.

Then the next week, I “exposure therapy’d” myself again and started on second to last row and worked my way up (weekly) to get closer to the showers. (Closer to the Daddies.) Each time in the gym, staying a few minutes longer in the locker room all the while getting eye fulls of sexy Daddies dicks and butts. Ron’s voice ever running through my mind. After each gym visit he asks the same questions. I’m pummeled with, “Did you get in the sauna?” “Did you get any at the gym?” “You need to get in the shower there and get in the sauna.” “That’s how you meet a husband.”

Now, I haven’t always been such a prude. I think I worry a little too much about running into a client or 5 while mid-orgasm in someone’s mouth. I can hear the conversation now- Client asking, “Oh, hi I didn’t know you C’AME’ here.”

Ron’s comments circle the drain of my brain and never go down.

Then one day, I finally made it to the last row. I thought to myself, “Today’s the day.”. Today I get in the sauna and suck a dick or two. Today is the day that I COME here. I’d already built up the nerve to push through the anxiety and the exposure therapy about public displays of “affection” – without alcohol or drugs- was working. Look, I’d still rather invite a trustworthy fuck buddy over, and over, and over again then risk losing my ability to work here. I’m having such a good time working with this community and I have no other back up plan. I have no other income and don’t have anything to fall back on- other than my working license. I can’t lose that- its my lifeline.

But today, TODAY IS THE DAY! I hit the floor of the gym with an extra bounce in my step as I worked the fuck out! I’d already made up my mind. I’m going to put all that anxiety aside and I’m going to take my naked ass into that sauna and see what’s the big deal. Then as I hopped from machine to machine, I ran into active clients. DOH!

I thought bubbled to myself, “Aaah shit. It’s just one person but it looks like they are leaving soon anyway.” But then another client, and another waived. Then another. I realized that today is not my day. I couldn’t bring myself to push through that extra layer of newfound anxiety.

To be continued…

The next time I went to the gym, I looked around and didn’t see anyone I worked for. My own voice began to join Rhonda Rae’s in my mind’s eye, as I thought bubbled everywhere, “You got this bitch. Go be a hoe.” “Do it!”

I did my work out and realized I must have lucked out today- I didn’t notice a single client at the gym. “It’s safe.” “Today’s the day. You are locker’d right next to the sauna. Just do it. Shut that Rhonda Rae up already.” “Go be a hoe.”

I stripped down. The scar on my back from my spine surgery exposed. The extra pounds I’ve put on exposed. I grabbed my towel and put on my sandals and started walking over to the sauna. Yes, sandals. I talked to a buddy about the sauna, and he also encouraged me to go in, but instructed me to wear sandals as to not catch athlete’s feet or planters’ warts. Ugh, what else can you catch in there? And is the risk worth the reward?

I looked over and there was a hot white bald daddy with a huge dick and enormous helmet head that seemed to be beckoning me, it was calling my name. I walked past him, starring, smiled and went into the sauna. I think I was hoping he was going to follow me. I’m new to the gym cruising language and not at all good at it. I feel clumsy and out of place. But I also want to try.

Oh snap, I got a glimpse through the glass door as I open it. There was already a guy in there, naked. As soon as I sat down, I realized I still had my ear bud in my ear. DOH! I guess I got ahead of myself and in my attempt to outrun the anxiety and not chicken out, I forgot to remove it. I exited the sauna and head back to my locker to take it out.

I thought bubbled again, “Just go home. You failed.” “No, just drop the ear bud off and get back in the sauna. That Daddy in the shower might go in there.” After arguing with myself via thought bubbles, I went back. I passed the hot daddy taking an ‘extra-long” shower, eye fucked him and went back in the sauna. The naked dude in the sauna began to stroke himself. I got down on my knees and started to suck his dick. He was ramming his massive cock down my throat. I remembered what a friend had said to me, “Its nice cause people usually swallow so there’s no clean up.” He shot and I swallowed.

No, I’m just kidding. That didn’t happen (yet). He wasn’t really my type, and it was so fucking hot in there… who knew saunas were soo hot? From a hot sweaty work out in a hot gym, to a hot sauna…well I didn’t feel horny anymore. Then my mind wandered back to the hot sexy bald daddy in the shower with the huge helmet dick. I thought bubbled again, “I’d rather be out there with him than here. It’s too fucking hot in here.”

I grabbed my towel and exited the sauna for the second time. This time the hot big dicked daddy had his face under the shower head. The water was just spraying his face and his eyes were closed just like a scene in a porn. He was hotttt! He looked like he was enjoying that shower. I began to walk that direction….. then my wet sandal slipped and made the biggest fart sound ever, “PBBBBBFT!”

I barely caught my balance- HOLY FUCK- yup my sandal just farted. The hot daddy shockingly opened his eyes and looked right at me in surprise.

I looked back and locked eyes with the big dicked Daddy, my face turning even more red than what the sauna did. “Mmmm… It was my sandal.” Ugh, I was defeated and ran back to my locker. I couldn’t help it I started laughing. All that work up for a sandal fart to ruin the moment. Note to self- get different shower shoes.

Cocked blocked by my own sandal. What would I have done had the sandal not cock blocked me? I know I should feel more excitement about gym play but I’d really rather just have said big dick daddy in my bed, where I don’t have to wear sandals, or anything.

Rhonda’s voice still echoes in my head, swirling around and around the drain but never going down. “You need to get in the shower and play with yourself.” “Everybody is there for the same thing. Get in there and get involved.” “Well, I’m horny and let me at ‘em.” “In my day, I’d just do it.” “Just do it already.” Etc…etc…etc.

I realize that I love my job, my house, and being able to pay my bills more than I do public sex. I realize I value safety, and I get the sense we are safer here in this community than most (most of the time). Sure, I’m a horny gay man and sure I really wanted that hot daddy’s dick, but I also want to be able to earn a living and keep a roof over my head without interference. Besides that sauna didn’t make me horny- I think (at least right now) that it’s overrated. WTF was Ron even talking about? It made me too hot and not in the way I’d envisioned. Being hot…doesn’t make me hot. I’ve always been such a clumsy cruiser.

Until next time…..

The funny message I hope you get out of this clumsy klutz of a story is to find community, love, and stand up for each other. Encourage each other to live life to the fullest at any age, and to get out there and find love or just good sex. Stay safe out there. God bless.

Stand Up for Our Freedoms,

The Happy Homo

PS I know these are tough times and I hope you find humor in this post. I also hope that the evil reign of the pedo protectors ends. Today they killed an innocent white man who was a nurse in the ICU. That is some of the hardest work a human can do and his life was stolen. “Deadly shooting: A Minneapolis man was shot and killed by a Border Patrol agent today, marking the third shooting by federal officers in the city this month. Sources say the man has been identified as 37-year-old Alex Pretti, whose parents told the AP he worked as an ICU nurse.’ May you rest in peace American hero Alex Jeffrey Pretti- thank you for standing up to fascism and for your neighbors. Rest in peace.