Sometimes it’s easier to have magical thinking than it is to deal with reality. Fantasy Island is sometimes more peaceful, affordable, safer, and loving that real life shit. Good God, I’m blessed to be in Palm Springs where its in the 60s – Utah was 6 degrees the other day. Fuck the cold. I need warmth, sunshine, safety, and happiness. I need Palm Springs.
I’ve been great at creating a Fantasy Island in my mind since I was young. It served a purpose and I’m surprised I’m still doing it in my 40s, (although I look way younger). Since I was told I have cancer, Polycythemia Vera, I’ve been telling myself, “Oh they made a mistake” or “the lab messed up somehow.” I just couldn’t believe that it was real. I was waiting for someone to say, “We apologize, we made a mistake, you are fine. No cancer.” First time was with my Primary Care Doctor. I literally said, “Someone in the lab must have made a mistake.” The labs were redrawn and they came back slightly better but still in the red.
Then I was referred to the Oncologist/Hematologist and he did more labs. I was sure that when the labs would return that he would say, “Your labs are normal. Eat more greens”, or some shit like that. Alas, that is not going to happen. Yesterday I pulled up my labs from the hospital website (where the Oncologist practices), and the results are still in the red. I thought shit! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
Things I don’t like – 1- mean people (except for Miranda Presley) and 2 -not having all the information and having to wait, wait and wait for it. Uncertainty sucks! My appointment is next week but I sure am impatient as fuck and would like to know what I need to do today to live a long healthy and happy life. I like the information so I can make a plan and then tackle the fuck out of that plan, especially in this situation. I still have hope and drive, two elements needed to get shit done. I’m ready to get to work.
I’m out on short term unpaid leave and really am glad that I took time to process all this information. It’s a lot. I do wish my job had better short term leave insurance and that my deciding to go on leave wasn’t something I felt pressured to do, in order to be healthy.
I do admit coming to Palm Springs I had my head in the clouds and I was (still am) happier than I’ve ever been. The cancer dx is scary but it hasn’t killed my spirit, therefor it won’t kill me anytime soon, I hope. I think I came to Palm Springs thinking that everyone would kind, loving, compassionate, and considerate. I thought we all escape the harsh world’s we came from in order to have peace and love. I now know better. There’s mean people everywhere. (That’s all I can say about that right now.)
I still hope for those things. I wish my last few experiences at work weren’t weird and disappointing but that’s life. That’s my life and that’s what I’m use to. In an email I sent to my team I commented something like, “I wanted to let you all know I was recently diagnosed with cancer. It’s nothing new for me to have to fight like hell just to exist. This is nothing new for me and I plan to do the same.” (Totally paraphrased but it was something like that. You get the gist.
So, I will fight like hell just to exist. It’s nothing new. It’s just being called cancer now. But now I get to be in my most favorite place I’ve ever been. I get be in the land of Milk and Hunnies, Hunny. Where dicks and rainbows are plentiful. My kind of place to LIVE! And I plan on living.
MIRANDA: I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, more than any of the other silly girls.
Sometimes it feels like people try to intentionally kill your spirit and your hope. They are truly disappointing, it is disappointing to deal with that here too. My spirit and hope remain. Like Beyonce said bitches, “You won’t break my soul.”
With Love and Hope,
The Happy Homo
