I’m stoned, post work out rocking out to JLo’s new song, “Save Me Tonight.” I am feeling compelled to introduce myself to you and say, “Hello, it’s very nice to meet you.” I’m Lee- A Happy Homo living in this wonderful desert we get to call home. I feel like now is a good as time as any to send you (not only pleasantries), but some love and well wishes. (You don’t have to know someone to have love for them and that’s how I feel about you. {most of you}) It’s a crazy fucking time right now and I just want you to know -you are not alone in your anxious feelings. We all are feeling it …. and we are in this together. We are stronger together.
It’s been a very hot minute since I arrived here, and it still feels pretty new to me at times. This coming Memorial Weekend will mark 4 years of being a Palm Springs and a California resident. I have a little tiny private practice that I try to make the safest of spaces for people, especially our people, and especially when clients come in with some traumatic shit they need to overcome. I know some shit about trauma. I’m not immune to it.
I moved here because Utah got very weird for me and began feeling unsafe. I was born and raised in Utah, I grew up there… love(d) it, loved school, the people, and the mountains. I feel like I had a great academic experience for the most part and didn’t experience the bullying many of our people suffered in school. (Sorry guys, I just have to add that Utah mountains are way prettier than these mountains, but these are also beautiful. In my opinion, they are most beautiful after we get heavy rain. Which I was told we don’t get… and that we don’t have mosquitoes. Both lies!)
I am sharing and oversharing at times, because we/I don’t live in a silo. Maybe me making light of my own shit can make you dealing with yours a little easier. Normalizing feelings and writing for me- helps me stay on my own two feet. Our journeys are more alike than different. Of course, out here there are luxurious livers (people with means) that have an abundance of funds, then there are people like me, and people like you. I think we all have value. We all matter.
I’m someone who has always seemed to struggle to make enough money to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head. I’ve always made it by the skin of my teeth. Being here has taken me up a notch- I can admit it and appreciate the hell out of it. Luxurious living for me is to be able to afford Botox, Lo Beauty products, and a trainer. I’ve never had a lot and don’t have many people to depend on when financial woes find me, but I appreciate what I have.
Now I have a tiny bit more and I am not going to do what Rhonda Rae did- I don’t want to live the Dollar Store lifestyle. There’s nothing wrong with it… I just want a little bit more. I’m going to spend it on myself and have fun while I’m alive. Sometimes that means the best seat in the house and sometimes that means a really nice dinner. I know my meager earnings aren’t anything compared to what many of you make, have, or were born into. But it’s more than I’ve ever known and I hope to get to where you are one day. I’m not hater…I say congratulations and I hope to meet you there sooner than later. A gay can dream, can’t I? (But I also believe that uber rich people should pay their fair share of taxes. You already have a beautiful life…why take it from someone who is struggling to make end’s meat? Why take candy or sugary products out of the mouth of poor kids? Let them have something- for God’s sake.).
So, I’d love to learn something interesting about you. Something interesting about me…. hmmmm….I realize that I may help people for a living that are going through some shit, but I find myself going through something of my own. My body has stored some past experiences as trauma, and at times it feels like I’m wearing cement shoes as I attempt to push forward. But I do continue to push forward, nonetheless. That’s the key, we don’t get to give up, surrender, or cower from a fight when so many of our lives are at risk. We, me, you, they/them, and us(a) just don’t get to give up.
So, silly gay (and sometimes ditzy stoner) happy homo me thought I could get through this trauma on my own. I mean, I know a few things. Initially I tried reaching out to another ART therapist in the area some time ago but didn’t get a warm fuzzing feeling or even warmth from that exchange. Meh. The recent changes in a dear friendship I had with Rhonda Rae has created some new self-reflection time and in that self reflection- my past trauma is more clear and the cement shoes are harder to walk in.
My new free time and the testosterone I’m now taking have given me the opportunity to “self-reflect” more than usual. I find myself, “self-reflecting” twice a day sometimes throughout the week. I think too much “self-reflecting” can become a problem, can’t it? Or is it good for me? Ugh, Oye Vey, and Aye De ME!
My free time was typically spent with Rhonda Rae in person, at an early dinner, or on the phone (in some way). I did it all of my own free will and I wanted to- he was/is my friend. He made me feel safe at a scary time of my life and made me laugh – a lot! So just because I use the term “freed-up”, doesn’t mean that it was necessarily a choice that was easy to make and didn’t hurt. And just because someone is in their 80’s doesn’t mean that they don’t have value or that they can’t make you feel valued, loved, or that a friendship with them is even possible or real. (Even if they are Dollar Store Daddies- I dare you to try it.)
I arrived here because of trauma… it was already stored up in my body, and I knew if I didn’t leave Utah, I was going to hurt someone, and I didn’t and don’t want to hurt anyone. I’ll explain. Just to reiterate, no, I don’t currently want to hurt anyone and no -I’m not suicidal. In fact, I feel like things are just starting for me. (If the world will let it.)
No, I’m not even referencing my own childhood trauma, I’m talking about the state of our country. I moved from Utah (like I said) because things got weird- like MAGA weird, after I ran for office. Yes, I ran for Congress as a democrat, won my primary and lost to the incumbent. (That twas expected but I still felt prompted to run at the time.) Would I do it again? No. One time was good enough for me. I much prefer the space where I can tell someone to “fuck off” without losing my job. Besides, I am tired of feeling like I must be perfect, look perfect, act perfect, and still never finding myself good enough for Utah. I’d rather just be the happy homo -gay as fuck Pansy- that I am and participate in some of the fun this city has to offer. Bear-with me- as I ass-im-ilate.
So back to my trauma, good weed- I digress. After running for office and during.. I was very public about speaking out against that evil predator we now find in the WH. In his first term, I wanted to go to Washington, D.C. to fight that evil sob from the House of Representatives. I wanted to be a person with a spine that wouldn’t sell their soul to special interest groups or to the highest bidder. I wanted to serve the entire human race, the Earth, and all the animals and life forms that live here with us(a). We get one planet- we should be taking better care of it.
Well, as you could possibly surmise, I clearly have a problem shutting the fuck up and not using my voice to speak up for things I think are important. And I think the lives of ALL queer people (including trans peeps), brown, black, Native, Asian, Jews, Muslims, Iranians, Ukrainians or otherwise are important. I also believe that little girls and women have value and we need to speak out against this administration trying to steal the vote from women.
So, I found myself always responding to all the Maga fake messages in the Utah News chat rooms with truth. I may be many things, but a liar is not one of them. Opinionated- sure. Optimistic – wavering. Patriotic- all the time.
Long story shortened, he won, I lost, my son ran away and was incarcerated, covid happened and I found myself working in an ER, alone in a 4-bedroom home with one of the loves of my life, Pancho Marie (my Chewie who has since crossed over the rainbow bridge).
I received some threats via those platforms, and then someone showed up at my home. This person was a white man, he had a hat on, dark sunglasses, a mask, was driving an unmarked car, and refused to speak to me through the intercom speaker at the front door. It appeared like he was hiding something under his jacket, but I’m not sure. I knew in that moment- he wasn’t there to talk. He was there to hurt me.
I wasn’t even home at the time, but he didn’t know that. When he wouldn’t speak to me or answer questions through my door camera, he just continued to ring the bell. I stopped talking. He stopped ringing the bell and took his phone and walked around my newly vinyl fenced yard and videotaped over the fence through the entire property. He even tried to enter my backyard through the gate, but it was locked. Lock your fucking doors and gates people!!!
So that along with my new reality of getting called a “faggot” or “fag” at my local grocery store, doctor’s office, chiropractor’s office, and at work made me realize that I’m not immune to the bullying many of our people have faced early in life at school. Sure, I’d had some bad experiences at different jobs, but it never rose to these types of levels. Maybe it was always that bad, and I was blind to it? The reality is- I’m just like every single one of you- a target in their eyes.
I never had to deal with that kinda shit before (except from my own family and like I mentioned at a couple different jobs). I still remember like it was yesterday, a white men getting yelled at in the isle of my local Target store. I was shopping and stopped at a shelf looking at an item. The guy’s wife was screaming at him, “Stop it!” “Don’t!”, as he charged my direction with a shopping cart. In that moment, I realized that I was going to have to move out of the way or get hit by the cart. The other possibility was to get away from him as fast as possible or get into a fight. I’m tired of fighting, but sometimes we are left with no choice.
Another tad bit of info… I grew up in a big beautiful brown Mexican American family (from Texas), and we did work in the fields. Yes, it was the hardest job I’ve ever done, and I started working around 5 years old. I hated it and vowed to go to school so that I’d never have to work in those long rowed, hot dirt fields again. (Today’s irony- now I rather enjoy gardening a bit. A BiT!) My family was republican leaning and are gun loving people. Even members of my very own family were stupid enough to vote against their own best interests. Have they changed their minds, some have, but not about guns.
Gun loving is something I never twas. I believe in and ran on the belief of sensible gun laws. After the online threats and someone showing up at my house- I didn’t feel safe anymore. I went out and bought my first gun. In that moment I decided I would use it if I had to. I obtained my concealed weapon/open carry permit (back then it was needed and now anyone can open carry in UT) and I learned how to shoot my gun.
After that, I strapped that gun to my hip and wore it almost everywhere I went. In fact, this whole back story is to get to the point in the story to share with you that bullies are less likely to call you a faggot, fag, or hit you with a shopping cart if you have a gun attached to your hip. In fact, I never got called a fag to my face again.
Did I want to shoot someone? No. Do I want to shoot someone now? No. But I’ve made peace with my God should I ever need to; meaning my own life or those around me are in danger. That means my neighbors- that means you too.
I don’t know what I expected out of this blog… this screaming diary to the universe, aliens, or God(s), and maybe to you for someone to hear and offer some Saving. By now, I realize that I’ve always had to save myself. I also realize that now is the time for a reintroduction. Ditzy me, it took me a minute to realize there are a couple of you out there who actually read this shit!!! I hope God, people in other countries do too and sends us(a) help asap. The USA is in distress right now. I hope they all realize there are still many of us(a) here who are good human beings whom believe in just laws and that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness applies to all of us(a).
One thing I do know for certain is that people who don’t like me hate read my blog posts. But I’ve learned a long time ago, “I chew, chew, chew, cause they hope I choke.” I hope for every person that is hate reading these posts- I have 10, or even 1 other person that reads this with good intentions. To that person, I say hey, bitch you aren’t alone. We may feel alone sometimes, but we are not alone. Again, you don’t have to know someone to have love for them and I have love for you. (Again, most of you.)
With that said, bear-with me, as I process my own trauma and take off these cement shoes. I don’t want them anymore, they’re heavy, and are preventing me from living life fully. But even with them, it’s been a magical experience getting to live here and be a part of this community. There’s gadgets and gizmos of plenty, and whose its and Daddies galore and they’ve got thingamabobs- and plenty. So don’t worry, I’ll get these fuckers off (so far talking about the cement shoes). I have and can-do hard things. (Pun intended). Working on it.
I sure do hope we can be good, respectful and loving neighbors to each other. And I hope this blog post finds you well in these times of our country’s distress. I also hope you have enough food, comfort(s) and safety to last many, many, many more free years. Stick around- because there’s no giving up. Buckle up- prepare, and then vote these fuckers out of office. Fight if we have to.
Getting back to the new JLo song, “Save Me Tonight.” Like duh, I love it! How about we homos make a pact. If we get attacked by Iran or even our own country, I hope you can save me or that I can save you (given the chance). That means I’ll have your back and I hope you have mine and everyone else in our community that needs it too. I’d shoot down a drone for ya. 🙂
Look, if there’s a drone in the sky that is targeting, hurting, shooting, or killing our people, I’m not going to wait for Congress to give me permission to shoot that fucker out of the sky. That’s just stooopid. Bang. (Besides he’d never sign that into law because he hates you! Even the “normal gays”- he fuckin hates you too! Dumb bitches.)
What kinda heat are you backin? And do you own a gun?
Save US(A) Tonight,
The Happy Homo
PS Of course he bombed a girl’s school. His evil has no bounds. There is no bigger way to give the American people the middle finger while sending the message he will do what ever the fuck he wants to little girls and all during the release of the trump-Epstein files. He’s very intentional in his hate/evil/corruption. World please know he doesn’t speak for all of us(a). We are sorry for the loss of their children. Our hearts break with theirs and yours. God help us(a) all.
PSS I just watched, “Nuremberg Trials” on Netflix.
“There are people in America who would willingly climb over the corpses of half the American public, if they knew they could gain power over the other half.
They stoke hatred.
It’s what Hitler and Göring did.. and it is textbook.
And if you think the next time it happens, we’re going to recognize it because they’re wearing scary uniforms… you’re out of your damn mind.”
Dr. Douglas Kelley
Psychiatrist who interviewed 22 Nazi Leaders
at the post WWII Nuremburg Trials
PSSS If California gets attacked- its by our own government or with his and putin’s help. May God keep us(a) safe. Ironic that his kids also just bought a drone company.
PSSSS If I were a new gun owner, I’d probably get a shot gun. You don’t have to be a super good aim and it gets the job done. But learn how to use it!!! Don’t ever point it at someone- unless you are aim to use it.
PSX5 I don’t know if a lot of people read this… but I know a couple of you do. I can tell by our conversations. I think its sweet and I’m honored to have your ear. I hope sometimes I make you laugh and all the time that I make you feel not alone. I recently had a conversation with the computer people who do all the hosting etc. stuff I don’t know how to do. Initially I wanted to see if there were any readers at all because it’s not set up to track…. and if there are readers, are there enough to seek advertisers? They were going to install the metrics to count. Turns out I don’t really want to know after all. It might be scarier to know than just using my imagination…. it could make me alter my behavior and I don’t want to. I want to live free. I’m just starting.
I felt like since I know there are a couple of you out there… maybe I should reintroduce myself. 🙂 It’s my pleasure (I hope both of ours.)
