As a Utah Mexican who was raised believing that we were Republicans… yes, that’s how deep it runs in Utah- MY brown gay ass grew up thinking I was a republican. On the reelz, I totes thought I was a fn republican. I remember being on the younger side of elementary school and the little white boys telling us that we were republicans and just going along with it. “We are all republicans!” (That’s why we shouldn’t let Turning Point any where near our children.)
I didn’t know any better, I didn’t know what it actually meant back then, but I do now. And it’s not good, Christian, kind, or truthful. I think that most people when they realize that republicans are doing the devil’s work today by protecting a child molester and murderer- are turning on him. I hope they finally realize—-if they have any daughters or want any in the future –that they’d lose their rights to vote eventually because of this administration and their Project 2025.
Google done said: Based on the provided search results, Project 2025 does not explicitly call for the repeal of the 19th Amendment or a direct, legal removal of women’s right to vote. However, the document outlines strategies that critics and voting rights groups warn would disproportionately disenfranchise women, particularly married women, and significantly weaken voting access.
Yet another way these child molesting murdering bastards want to rape you- by taking away your vote and voice to speak out when their evil comes to your door. And it will eventually knock on your door, because you can’t contain that kind of evil. You have to eliminate it by voting it out or any other means if that doesn’t work. Don’t let them scare you out of your vote. Like that social media guy Cliff says, “Be scarier than the pedophiles…” (Take that from someone who has clearly been scared and altered the way I lived over the last 4 years, I’ll explain in a minute, but first…).
It’s the republicans who have wrongfully detained and enslaved Latinos in those unsanitary ICE detention centers that deny medical care, school for kids, and appropriate nutrition. So being raised to think I was a republican and such, there’s a little bit of country in me and tonight I was rocking out to Terri Clark.
My stoned ass thought some of those lyrics are hitting a little extra tonight, but in my brain I’ve changed the words.
But his life is about to change
He’s never gonna be the same
And he’ll be living in a different world
When boy meets world.
I think I’m finally ready to meet the world and participate in it. I do think that my life is going to be changing for the better soon. As a therapist it’s easy to help other people and ignore my own needs. I look back over the last decade of my life, and it’s literally filled with trying to help others, love others, or take care of others. WTF, who in the world is going to take care of or love me?
Here’s what I know…. Although it would be nice to have, I don’t need it. I can survive on my own but I also now realize that I’m deserving of it. I also realize that my version of thriving is so small compared to other people’s experiences. My sense of thriving here has been more than I’ve known but has also been tainted with some fear. I now realize there’s more to it than I ever imagined and I may just finally be able to access it; if I give myself the opportunity to do so.
I’ve had a big reality check as of late….well as of realizing that my friendship with Rhonda Rae was more one sided than I wanted to believe. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the friendship while it lasted. It just ended in a way that opened my eyes to see something I can’t unsee.
In all my free time, I’ve been trying to repair myself because I realize I’m pretty broken too. Again, easier to ignore my own cracks or breaks when I had an 83 year old bestie to take care of. But they are there… my cracks are real and they deserve my attention too.
So I’ve been working out… and as I’ve said before, I have started therapy of my own. 1 therapist for talk therapy and the other for EMDR therapy. Both have been insightful and just because I may be good at helping others doesn’t mean I’m always so good about helping myself. But that’s changing now and if you find yourself in the same patterns, you should work on you too. Its pretty refreshing and I hope you will feel differently, because I’m starting too.
I’m on the verge of feeling kinda cute for my age (my Botox age). I even have a baby muscle and my trainer has pointed out that I have a new vein in said baby muscle. This is awesome!
I think I’m deserving of some fun or love. I think it’s out there for me and I realize that more than ever, I just have to give it a chance. I now know that I haven’t been doing that. With one therapist, we talk about the lens we look through, our reality. It can be different from the person next to you, and different than the person next to them. What lens are you looking out of?
Quite a welcome to Palm Springs: After those couple of creepy experiences when I first moved here- I realize I’m wounded. It really, really deserved someone’s ass to be kicked, but I didn’t. But I’m not superman, it doesn’t just bounce off and should they try to hit again, I’m ready. My darkness is ready to meet theirs, if I have to bring it out. We all have a little darkness in us, and I’m no one special to not have any.
In therapy, I realize just how much that DAP bully tried to fuck with my life. He tried to destroy everything, tried to get me fired (which I did lose my job when I complained about him) and then again attacked when I opened my business, he targeted me on yelp with fake reviews. What a fuckin weirdo – I’ve literally never had any conversations with him that weren’t work related up to this point in my life. (In fact, I always avoided him because I didn’t want my own darkness to come out.)
Therapy helped me realize all the shit from the DAP bully, that other incident with a creepy roommate, mixed with the reasons I left Utah had reduced me to only looking out of one lens. While I’m trying to assess my environment for danger, I’m missing out on all the great things Palm Springs has to offer. I realize now it doesn’t even register like it should when guys check me out or cruise me. (That’s changing.)
I’ve had another therapeutic epiphany: Sometimes my worst enemy isn’t them, or you (who hate read this blog), or my dad anymore – it’s me. What if I fuck all of this up? Finally, I have a little tiny crumb of gay heaven, and I don’t want to do anything to lose it. I’d like to stay please. I’ll try my best to be a good neighbor.
What I also know to be true (because of my gay brown pansy ass existence so far) is that people will try to come and knock you down a peg if they think you are too high on the ladder. They don’t have to know you or ever of had to had a conversation with you. They may even try to take what you worked so hard for, they may even try to change the locks from you on the front door of your own home. I can try to preplan for those crazy borderline bitches, but the bitch I’m worried about is me.
I have a tendency to sabotage myself, come up short (literally and figuratively) and there’s a darkness inside that was birthed out of self-preservation, trauma, and protection. I don’t want to let that out anymore. I’d rather honor my light, because there’s happiness in it for me. I long for peace, safety and security.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a refugee in my own country… and sometimes I’ve even wondered if Palm Springs is the right spot for me. It’s hot, there are older Daddies everywhere, people wear whatever slutty little thing they want, they’re a bunch of pervs, and they drink too much. Then I thought bubble to myself, “Yup, it’s exactly where I want to be and I’d like to stay, please.”
The other day I had a session with my EMDR therapist. I’ve been as open in therapy as I am in my diary/blog/my mental health outlet. I’ve talked about trusting my penis to make good decisions and trusting myself to control my penis but still let him have fun and be a single gay guy.
We’ve built some safety spaces in my brain, identified a safe place, safe secure person, and someone that has made me feel valued. On that day, we targeted the big reason I have a mental block on sex and feeling safe with hook ups. It has everything to do with the day when that DAP bully bitch gained access into my home via a hook up/ CAT fish gone terribly wrong. The imagine I’m trying to neutralize is the DAP bully on my porn hub screen, using his fake name of Dillan or something like that, fucking his boyfriend looking up and laughing, on loop. I’m not going to heal unless I’m honest about it. And I deserve to heal.
My goal is to get out there and have some fun with some safe dick(s) and dismantle this wall of security/prison I’ve built in my own mind. I deserve for that wall to come down. I deserve the best gay experiences Palm Springs has to offer. I’m just as deserving as the next gay.
Now, feeling secure enough to do it is another thing. But one thing that is helping me feel secure is knowing I can access the dark power or rage within, if I ever need to protect myself. It’s there…but I don’t want it to be my main lens I live life from. I’ve built a lot of walls around that darkness to keep it contained; I don’t want to let it out unless I have no other choice. Besides, there are good people and bad people everywhere in the world, here too.
I don’t want to be scared to participate in this gay life because my body has registered those continued attacks from that bully as active threats. Post EMDR session(s), a MAP therapy session and individual talk therapy sessions have started my healing journey and I’m excited to see where this goes. Something has changed. I feel calm and peaceful for the first time in long time (without weed). (But weed does make everything more fun.)
What I know to be true today, is that I feel different than I did last week. I feel different than I did the week before that. Investing in my own therapy has some pretty notable outcomes. It feels like my brain were a sponge that was just rung out.
I don’t want to go back to being the same person I was last week or the person that arrived here almost 4 years ago. I want to be different; I want to be just as free as anyone else. I want to live life not feeling shame talking about sex or having a penis. We aren’t Ken dolls- we have penises.
I want Palm Springs to change me but not because of some DAP bully or some crazy roommate that tried to change my house locks on me… I want it to change me because I was brave enough to love and fuck, and fuck and love (and get good at it).
I’m excited for the new me. I’m not all the way healed yet, so I’m excited to meet who that is going to be; I’m more hopeful than ever. Tomorrow, I go to my first big public Gay Pool Party Event thing. Yes, it’s been almost 4 years and I’m just getting around to it. Heck, it’s taken me this long (insert Botox age) to address the past traumas that clearly weren’t as resolved as I’d thought. I’ve been to a few pool parties out here and turned down invites to others. I was clearly not in the best space post the welcome to PS trauma I experienced.
As I go through EMDR therapy and I’m going to tackle all my past trauma. I finally have the chance to do it, I’m doing it. I didn’t realize how much those creepy incidences with the DAP bully have affected me, my body, and even the lens I look through while I sashay myself through this gay world.
Pre Arrival – prints pics of me at a shooting range and shares with other clinical staff saying that I didn’t fit the DAP standards and shouldn’t have been hired.
Arrival- Bully, bully, bully while I was happily adjusting and ignoring him, until I had enough and asked DAP for help. It didn’t go as I’d expected.
Open my own business- more bullying with fake yelp reviews (more reviews from fake clients than active clients at that time).
Catfished me – Found me online and used that opportunity to gain access into my home and do some mean shit.
Yes, that has left a negative imprint on my soul. I’m currently working to heal that blemish. I hope I always feel the way I do in this moment.
Clicks boot against other foot in sandal (injured- will explain later)
“There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
This now feels like home. It has taken some time to get there, but I feel like I can happy here. I also realize that my community may give a shit if they see their providers out there having fun (or getting dicked down or sucking dick), and being a bit messy. I’m a gay guy after all and I think I’m home.
I’d like to stay please. I’d like it to be different in so many ways and better because of it.
(To the bully-what about my light brings out your darkness so much? I hope you always stay out of my way bitch because I’m going to shine anyway. I’ve had enough of you. My darkness is ready to meet yours and I hope you never do anything more to make it.) I’m ready to have some fun now. I’m ready to use a different lens to live this gay life from.
As I said to my EMDR therapist who asked towards the end of a session, “Do you have any thoughts right now?”
I replied, “Yes, I’m ready to be whole again.”
He said, “What?”
Me, “I mean Whole with a W not an H… :
Laughing at this point… He said, “Oh okay, I just wanted to make sure.”
Me, “but maybe I mean with an H? Maybe I’m ready to be hole again.”
Listen world, now is not the time to cave to our bullies. Now is the time to live boldly, speak your truth and demand equality, equal access, and stand up for yourselves/ourselves/themselves.
Boy Dripping W/ Excitement to Meet World,
The Imperfect Happy Homo
PS “The proposed mission center would include personnel from 10 federal agencies tasked with targeting “domestic terrorists” associated with a wide range of ideologies. Among them is what the administration labels “extremism” related to gender, alongside categories such as “anti-Americanism,” “anti-capitalism,” “anti-Christianity,” and “support for the overthrow of the U.S. government.” The document also cites “hostility toward those who hold traditional American views” on family, religion, and morality — language LGBTQ advocates have increasingly warned could be used to frame queer and transgender rights movements as ideological threats.”
Hmmm… If they are targeting our people and calling us(a) domestic terrorists – should some of us(a) start acting it? Does that mean we should be scarier than the pedophiles? And scary to the pedophile protectors? (We know who the terrorists and Russian agents are. We know who is protecting pedophiles. Why are they more afraid of pedos than the people? Does that mean they secretly harbor pedo tendencies? Or are they compromised in another way? Is there “massage” videos of that little Mikey beeoch that is preventing him from being a real Christian or doing his fucking job? Or has he and all of them sold their souls?)
PSS Can you believe these blasphemous evil pedos and billionaires are targeting the fn POPE??? They are evil- how much more proof do REAL Christians or Catholics need? I hope the Nights of Templar or who ever protect the Pope are taking his threats serious. He’s evil and the antichrist, of course he’s attacking the Pope.
