I sit here in a jock strap and leather boots typing about my experience. Anxiety and adrenaline slowly are working their way out of my system. I was so scared. The night is still young, and I decided to come home and not to the after party due to system and sensory overload. I needed time to let it sink in and process. There was so much to see and some of it I got to feel with my nervous hands. Beautiful almost naked men running around in leather, wow beautiful. I have to say after tonight my limited perception of the leather community has changed.
My preconceived notions about big mean scary men who don’t ask for permission and aren’t respectful has all but vanished. My nerves and anxiety however, remain. Tonight, I went to go support one of my new Palm Springs friends as he was running for Mr. Leather Palm Springs. He didn’t win but did a fantastic job and should be very proud, all the contestants should be proud. What a brave thing to do. The winner was hot and maybe tattoos on the face aren’t that bad after all. Maybe my son’s prison face tattoos won’t hold him back, if he ever gets out.
I have never been to a leather event or even worn leather like this outside my home. My insecurities are too great and sometimes debilitating. An old friend from many years ago bought me a leather harness and some leather boots and I wore it for him, he liked it and he licked it. They’ve been sitting in my closet for years, the leather and not the old friend. I also remember wearing leather one time, I was around 19 years old and super high out of my mind at a guy’s home, someone I use to “hang out” with. I think it’s easier to let loose when you hide behind a substance, it washes all the insecurities away; but that’s not me anymore. Well, to be honest the insecurities remain, just not the substances they create too many problems.
I’m on a new journey here in Palm Springs. One I never thought was even possible for someone like me. It has me trying to figure out who I am at 45 and what it is I really like, including any kinky shit. Am I into kinky shit? It’s a new thought process that I’m trying to have without the shame instilled in me from growing up religious and in Utah. Where the appropriate and acceptable path is narrow and anything off that path was viewed as deviant. Am I a deviant? And why do I think deviant is bad? Its defined as, “departing from usual or accepted standards, especially in social or sexual behavior.” As a noun- a maverick, eccentric, misfit, outsider, fish out of water, square peg in a round hole, odd ball, bad boy, weirdo… well shit those are all words I identify with. Why is there so much resistance from me when I knew those things described me from the 1st or 2nd grade. That’s what happens when you are raised in a heteronormative world, and you aren’t allowed to color outside of the lines and boys are never allowed to color with the pink crayon. Fuck, I like the color pink and singer too.
I never thought leather was really an option for me. I have never felt sexy enough, thin enough or manly enough to wear leather. I still don’t know if it’s for me, as deviant as I am. I don’t have any kids in my home and it’s just me and the dogs- so no time like the present to explore and color outside the lines. People, and I was one of those people, believe that leather is taboo or just about sex. I suppose it can be. Tonight, I see that it’s so much more than that. It’s more than what I imagined or gave the leather community credit for. (Totally my bad!)
I’ve heard some condescending statements about what is appropriate to wear out in public as professional from other professionals here. I was even warned that if I want to do private practice in the future not to go down the leather path. The threat was that no one would come to me for services, “Because they aren’t going to trust you if you are out showing your ass out on Arenas.” I have to say I disagree with those comments. If we look down on a gay subculture and don’t offer an opportunity of understanding or accepting it or those within it, we are no better than those who wish to take away our right to marry. We don’t get to look down on queer subcultures because we don’t understand them or because that’s not our own personal journey. What kind of message does that send to the people who are in this community? That they are less than? That they are wrong? They shouldn’t exist? I don’t agree with any of that! Besides it kinda fucking hot!
The people I met tonight were some of the nicest people I’ve met in the longest time. So many of them were breathtakingly beautiful and I found myself fumbling over my words, uncertain where to place my hands or what to do with my arms and face. I don’t know if I was smiling, looked completely scared as fuck or if my eyeballs were popping outside of their sockets in an attempt to get closer to these men. There were such hooooot leather men everywhere!
I was so scared and nervous walking around the venue. I even met and introduced myself to the same people twice and they said with a grin, “You already met me.” I also clumsily and nervously spilled my drink a few times and once on someone’s leather. Doh! He didn’t even get mad at me. I think he could sense my fear and didn’t want to exacerbate it. I didn’t realize my nerves had me sort of holding my breath a little bit, but for the whole night! I realized this when the valet brought me my car and I got in. Then and only then I allowed myself to fully exhale as I drove to my home.
What I know now is that the leather community is about sex if you want it to be. It’s also about family, acceptance, connection, and finding your tribe. It could easily be about ramming a square peg in a round hole, if you want. They were kind people and complimentary people. They made me feel rather pretty. My misconception about needing to have testosterone oozing out of every pore also has changed. There were men in pink leather, men with leather crowns and some nelly as fuck leather men. It was all beautiful. There is a place for me there if I want it. Lord knows I love a good crown! I can’t believe I created this preconceived notion that isn’t even true about these people and the leather community. The thing that made my nips perk up is they are also big on raising money for causes that are important to all of us, causes that we should all get behind.
My friend that lost the competition has also won in his own way. He has two hot Daddies and although he reports they aren’t sexual anymore, they do have fun together. They care about each other just as if they were family. They are a family. That’s cool shit to me and that’s winning. Often people in our community don’t have families that accept them- meaning they don’t have families at all unless they choose to let people in to make a family. Maybe there are some people who came to this desert on their own because home didn’t feel safe or like home anymore and they and don’t know anyone- just like me. That’s why the subcultures exist- because there is family there waiting to welcome you and maybe fuck you too. These people found each other and love each other, there’s nothing dirty about that. I saw love!
Tonight, I wore the harness and leather boots my friend gave me many years ago. I must admit mustering up the courage to even walk to the car from my bedroom was difficult. And my car is parked in my garage, and I have a door that goes directly into the garage from the house! I was filled with anxiety and almost didn’t go. I was more nervous about wearing leather than I was about moving to the desert. I reminded myself – you have to show up for people if you want to build real friendships.
I looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh you look fucking ridiculous. Who are you trying to fool here?” Then I thought how am I going to get from my car to the event? Do I just walk down the hallway of the hotel with a harness under my shirt? Yes, you dumb bitch that is exactly what you do!
I am unlearning many things here in the desert. One of them is the idea that I have to dress a certain way to have the same opportunities as others or a seat at the same table as other professionals. That’s a Utah thing. If I had been out running around in a leather harness in public there, I would have never had the opportunity to run for office. I would have never won my primary. They would have eaten me alive. Looking back, it seems like there is only so much distance I was allowed to stray from the narrow path of success before the opportunities I created for myself would have disappeared. Shit the opportunities there were hard to create in the first place. That doesn’t just happen for someone like me, I had to fight for them. The last thing I wanted to do was something that would take away the limited opportunities I had.
It’s sad to say but true for a brown gay man with a high pitched squealy voice and being a happy homo of little means- opportunities don’t just happen. I don’t feel like those restraints exist here for me. Palm Springs has me feeling free, safe, and alive- thank God! I’m free to choose other types of restraints here. Restraints for my pleasure and maybe yours. There’s choices and options. To be clear I don’t want any restraints, not at this time, but maybe down the line when I trust someone fully. That day is not today.
I am excited in more ways than one to unlearn shame that was chosen for me, that I believed was mine. On a side note, I recently inherited some additional leather and some books on leatherman. Right now, I’m reading, “Leathermen Speak Out, An Anthology On Leathersex” and some of the stories sound hot as fuck and some of them are a total boner killer. That’s not my Utah brain speaking that’s me. I don’t have to like everything, but I am more open and a little more comfortable wearing leather than I have ever been in my whole life. Sobriety and leather is something new and exciting.
As I take off my leather boots I think, “Utah you can have your shame back. I don’t want it anymore.” I also am excited to have met or heard people speak on the microphone tonight that were professionals. It dispelled the myth for me that you can’t be successful and participate in queer life and its subcultures. There was a psychologist, a nurse, another social worker, firemen and law enforcement all present and in leather. These mother fuckers are doing it! The venue was full of people who care about each other and the community around them. It was cool shit see and be introduced to. Besides, everyone out here has a harness. Why am I so afraid to wear one too?
In the words of the homo who lifts up other homos, “You are born naked and the rest is drag.” Hope to see you out in your leather.
With Love and Spit,
The Deviant Happy Homo
