Hey boo! It’s been a while since we’ve chatted. Where the fuck have you been? No, I’m kidding. Totes kidding. Okay, it’s me who has been MIA. So what? I’ve missed a few weeks of posting. Hey, look over there, I never said I was posting weekly. I admittingly have some faults of my own that have kept me away. We never like to acknowledge faults, but we should. We all have faults, yes you too bitch. You do too. Identifying the problem allows for one to alter behaviors to achieve a different outcome if one is desired. In this case, I think I like this fault. Or at least it has served me well in this life.
Yes, you can have a fault that serves you. Not all of them are bad. Some are birthed out of necessity, self-preservation, and survival. Some of them can have positive side effects. So, I’m trying to be kinder to my faults. Hehe – I’m trying not to fault -my faults too much. Oh man, that dad joke is freakin awful. Totally my fault.
One of my many faults is I have a “hunker down and get shit done mode.” It usually has to do with necessity, paying my bills, and the deep-rooted fear of being homeless. Ugh, I sofa surfed in my late teens/early 20s and it sucked. I don’t ever want to do that again if I can help it. And I can help it by turning on the, “hunker down and get shit done mode.”
I tell myself, “You better get this shit done NOW so that you can keep your puppies in them yummy looking jerky treats”, but really, it’s also for me. This Happy Homo loves having a home to call my own, food in my fridge, and my own bed.
So, yes, I may just be a little freaked out at the moment. I’m not working right now, well not working for anyone else. That creates some fear and uncertainty in me. Rest assured; I’m busting my ass over here trying to get credentialed with insurance companies to start my private practice. YAAAAS Bitch, I’m going to try and be my own boss. I’ve been in hunker down and get shit done mode since I decided to take this leap of faith and I’m jumping. Sometimes faith is all we have to work with. Whether that’s faith in God (or Her friends) or faith in your own capabilities, is totally up to you.
I have faith, but I’m also scared as fuck. What happens if I fail? I know I’m capable, but I also know we don’t live life in a silo. We have to deal with other people, and human connection does have positive happy side effects. Look, life isn’t easy- at least mine’s not. But we can still find, foster, create happiness for ourselves.
Most likely, if you are reading this you’ve had adversities of your own too, haven’t ya? This really is serious shit for me. It’s do or die- sink or swim type of feelings all over my neck and down my back. See and you thought therapists all had their shit together. Some of us are still figuring it out and using the tools we learned to navigate this life. Me, I’m that us. Social Workers aren’t immune to adversity. In fact, that is what draws many of us (me) into the field.
I hate “worry” or worrying just like the rest of you bitches. But I’m good at it and it makes me prepare for what’s to come and makes me work harder for a better outcome. Yup, I do what I do and hunker down and get shit done. Because at the end of the day I have to be there for myself. The haters are gonna hate and I’m here to love and to fucking dance in my living room in my underwear. Yes, that makes me happy.
I’m used to their roadblocks. If they don’t like me, I can’t let that weigh me down because I LIKE ME. Shit bitch, I love me. Sometimes people try to rob us of that self-love and make us question, “Is it me? Did I do something? Or is it them?” I’m here to tell you- IT’S THEM! The weight of hate is not something I am willing to carry for anyone anymore.
“No, I will not carry your hate for you. It look too heavvvvy.”
“No, I will not carry your hate for you. It doesn’t match my booty shorts.”
“No, I will not carry your hate for you. This jock strap doesn’t have a pouch for that.”
“No, I will not carry your hate for you. My hands are full will this jock strap and my mouth is ….arggaggg slup!”
“No, I will not carry your hate for you. My hands are full of all this self-love.”
“No, I will not carry your hate for you. Put it down, grab the poppers and get over here.”
Self-love can be cultivated and sustained. Although I’ve not always made it a priority, I’m working on it and so are many of you. All the other loves have a potential to slip away, but the me love is steadfast (if you let it be). Well, right now I’m in a love/hate relationship with myself to be honest. Yes, I’m telling you I’m not perfect. No, that’s not a typo. Mental health is something we all work on, including me.
Yes, there are things I would change about me. “Well I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller… “ (can’t remember the rest of those lyrics), but you get the jest. Yes, I’m also a work in progress and nervous af about working for myself. Is this going to be successful? Am I going to be successful?
Besides, who is going to be mean to me now in the workplace? I’m so used to having a nemesis, but not because I’m doing anything that I know of. Remember if they are slinging hate, it’s them not you or me. There seems to be a small percentage of people who just don’t like me out there in the world, and that’s okay. They always seem find me in the workplace, but now it’s just me. No more of, “Oh you look too happy over here lets fuck with you.”
Strangers, people or coworkers not liking me or you? Well those are things I (we) can’t control. I want to make sure that you know- We don’t have to be liked by everybody. It’s okay if someone doesn’t like you or me. Although I struggle to see why they don’t like me, shit I’m funny. I do admit, it’s so weird to have that reaction from so many bitches throughout my life. I’m so excited to be the only bitch I have to worry about in the office now. Remember they don’t have to like us but they do have to allow us to opportunities to self-actualize.
My response to those situations – now that’s fully in my (your) control. For some reason, for some fucking reason, I can’t keep my mouth shut when Karens (Quarens) find me. I always have to respond to the negative, condescending, or rude behavior. Sometimes it’s after I’ve already had to ignore it for longer than I wanted, but I always speak up. My response is usually like, “Ew, don’t do that to me”, “Ew, don’t say that to me”, “Ew, don’t treat me like that” and the latest, “Don’t go in my office when I’m not there…”and “Stop crossing my boundaries.” There’s always one… or two in every job I’ve had. I can’t express how excited I am to work for myself and love myself where others failed to.
To be honest with you I am not sure how to do it all. How does a Happy Homo work full time, have a social life, family life, be a good doggy Dad, work out (because it has a positive outcome on our mental health), meet a future husband, and still be Happy? Well happiness is a lot of work. Yes, sometimes we have to work on just being happy. I haven’t mastered it at all yet, but I can’t think of a better place to continue to work on my Happy than Palm Springs. I’m willing to work on my happiness, are you? Dicks and rainbows beeoches, dicks and rainbows.
So, I need my private practice adventure to go well. It’s either that or I need to hit the jackpot (Lottery). Either is fine, but I prefer the jackpot. What? A gal’s got dreams and many of those dreams are based in working with this queer community- I love it. People like you and me. But in the meantime, I need my own private practice adventure to go well. I have a mortgage to pay. I can’t fuck around.
Last night I had a conversation with a therapist who was making perfect sense to me. He said something like, “I love my job. I feel like it’s what I’m supposed to be doing.” Yes, I agree. The last year has made me acknowledge that same feeling, “This is what I’m supposed to be doing- helping homos.” It feels good, it feels right, and I love that there is a place for you and me to exist safely. I love our slutty gossipy community. I’m in the right place at the right time of my life. Now, I get to take time to heal just like the rest of you Happy Homos, after I get my practice up and running.
So that’s it in a busted nut(shell)…. I struggle to have fun when there’s work to be done. Fun vs work- doh! I have gotten good at- no fun and all work the last few years. As I think about it deeper, I think those are also side effects of a meth addiction. Those are some of the tools I used to quit. I threw myself into work, school, and volunteering. I used to be way more fun than I was responsible. I’m trying to find the perfect blend for myself now. I’m getting back around to being fun, minus the meth.
The truth is, I’ve always been a paycheck away from homelessness. So, failing is not an option for me right now. Sometimes fun isn’t always an option for me either. It always boils down to the question, do you like having a roof over your head? The answer for me is yes. So, despite all the dicks and rainbows available for tasting, I got my eye on the balls…. I mean the goal. The goal being- get my practice up and running. Hopefully it will be lucrative, and I can put some of my own worries down.
I say, there will always be people that don’t like me or you for no reason. As we head into Pride Month (at least in Utah), I want to wish all the Homos Happiness and Joy. I wish you a safe and sexual pride. I hope you get banged so good and hard that you are sore af the next day.
Despite what happens in the FL or in UT government, remember we have self-love. And- Fuck you DeSantis- we are use to road blocks bitch. We go through them together or not at all. We love ourselves and each other enough to be there for each other when it counts. And it counts now. When douche bags like DeSantis attack us on so many levels- we unite. We lift each other up when they knock us down. We stand up for each other and fight for what is right. We can’t be afraid to be loud or to be seen. We demand love and equality. They can’t erase us. We demand to work in a harassment free work environment. YAAAAS!
There’s so much to do here (so many options). Every day, there is something or someone just waiting for your friendship and mine or love. I have to be brave and get out and get after it. See, were not so different after all. I’m still figuring out my shit too and looking for love in various places.
Are you going to be brave with me? I hope so. I hope I’ll see you out there…
Happy Pride- I Love You,
The Happy Homo
PS I totally hate my new boss but he’s kinda cute. My new boss is also a little bit of a bitch, a nice bitch and is totally overworking me.
PSS We need to watch Postmaster General Louis DeJoy closely. He’s up to no good. I watched him on C-span testifying and he’s a slimy dude. If the postal service is down or the faith in it continues to erode, it will make it so much harder for the average person to vote. And why does it feel like there’s an encrypted message in the post office commercial? “Orchestrated Delivery” – Perfectly Orchestrated? Hmmmm….. sounds suspicious to me. He said he had hired new people and put them in different supervisor roles. Who are these people? I just don’t trust him.
PSSS I watched a few documentaries on PBS about Pride. I highly recommend them. I learned some shit!
PSSSS Remember there is more love than hate out there in the world. It’s just the hate gets amplified. We need to find ways to amplify the love.
PSx5 You are loved. There is nothing wrong with you. Go ahead and put that dick and rainbow in your mouth like a good Daddy.
PSx6 Toni I love you and thank you for taking that drive with me from Utah to the desert. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. I appreciate you more than words can express.
PSx7 More to cum… come about my private practice adventure.
PSx8 Happy Pride- everyday, every month, and for every queer person ever.
PSx9 Yes, bitch I said self-love and didn’t even talk about masturbation. Good on me… good all over me.
PSx10 We need to get all of us to vote this election. Right now PS is represented by a Republican in Congress. Will Rollins lost in a very close race. I think it was like 100,000 votes or something like that.
PSx11 YOUR VOTE AND YOUR LIFE MATTER! Black Lives Matter, Queer Lives Matter, Trans Lives Matter. You matter hoe.
PSx12 Watch Mo’Nique’s comedy special on Netflix. LOOOOOOOVE. I also cannot eat a pussy. Just can’t do it. LOL I love hearing the stories cause were everywhere. We are your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, dads, Daddy, moms, neighbor, mailwoman, grandpa, or grandma. We aren’t going anywhere. We’ve been here the whole time. We are here to stay.
PSx13 “Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.”
