Bananas, or like Gwen would say, “B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”.  Bananas, is what’s happening in California and probably in a lot of our major cities across America. How else do you spell it?  E-X-T-O-R-T-I-O-N!  And in my case, I spell it, “L—I—E—S—A—M—O—S—M—E—L—L—I.”

There seems to be a lot of crime here, but then again, I’m from Utah (its very own planet).  There’s crime there but maybe I just didn’t see it in the same way or experienced it the same. I certainly am not new to someone lying about my actions, but recent events were a lower blow than normal. 

I realize that Palm Springs is a party place, and I wouldn’t change that fact -ever!  No place like it that I’ve ever been, but again I realize I’m more sheltered than I initially realized since I arrived. And that’s coming from someone who was a partier back in the day.   And whose worse crime during his addiction was to his own brother.  Even 20 years later I feel bad.  (Yes, that makes me around 30-34.)  And even in my addiction and seeing a lot of my friends commit crimes to feed their habits (or mine) I still don’t think I was as exposed to criminal shit as I am in Palm Springs. And yet, I still feel like it’s safer here for me than it was back home with the angry extremist Republicans in Utah.   

I haven’t been called a faggot once since I’ve been here. I’ve been called out my name, don’t get me wrong.  I literally came here for safety, security, and to be with my community and not think twice about what I’m wearing, how I sound, or how I look.  I came here for peace. I still want peace but sometimes others make it difficult to achieve.  

There is a lot of crime and there’s bullies. I just have never thought of myself as a viable target for extortion, slander, and lies, but some of you bitches must think I’m viable. I think I’d rather be around these criminals or extortionists than I would Lizzo’s dancers that accused her of some BS.  Did you guys get a chance to watch Hulu’s, “Impact X- Nightline Lizzo’s Legal Limbo”?    You should if only to remind yourself that even when you do good shit to bring people up, those same people may try to take you down.  

The 3 dancer’s alleged claims left me with a thought, “And so the fuck what? So dumb.”  Now I write this as MY OWN OPINION, and encourage you to formulate your own. I’m sure you’ll also be like, “And so the fuck what?”

And as far as the fashion designer’s alleged claims, again I was left with the feeling of, “And so the fuck what?”  This person didn’t meet Lizzo and never even talked to her? Do I have that right?  And although maybe, perhaps, even in the smallest of ways Lizzo should have reached out to her because she is alleging someone that works for Lizzo was being a dick, was rude as fuck and making her feel uncomfortable with the alleged actions or words of said employee.   I can see how it could possibly warrant a check in, but it doesn’t mean that rises to the level of a lawsuit.      

Maybe a “Girl, I’m sorry that happened to you. We will look into it.” would have been sufficient but if I remember the show, it didn’t’ happen.  To be honest I wouldn’t have given her that either after the way she handled everything. Just placed her complaint right on top of something that is already (allegedly) lies and (allegedly) a bogus lawsuit. But I guess timing is everything, isn’t it?

I don’t think Lizzo deserves to respond to her because of that timing. That’s so rude and to kick someone when they are down or being attacked is gross. Lizzo tried to uplift these big girls, give them jobs, and take them around the world.   

The first chance they had, instead of saying, “Thank you for giving me that opportunity…”, they tried to cash in and take Lizzo down (allegedly). I do not expect Lizzo to be that enlightened to call any of them after that or even respond publicly like people want.  Besides she already did, she said it wasn’t true.  I for one know I’m not that enlightened either and I’m a social worker. And guess what, I’m okay with that.  I don’t think I feel comfortable expecting something out of Lizzo that I can’t expect out of myself. 

Lizzo thank you for reminding us that it’s okay to be ourselves, no matter size, shape, race, gender, sexual orientation, or predetermined aspirations previously assigned by society.  Your fans didn’t go anywhere. We are still right here with you baaatch!

I write this having just having survived an (alleged) extortion attempt by a porn “star” roommate.  I put it in quotes “” because would you really try to extort money out of someone if you were a “star?”  Against someone with so many outstanding student loans that literally pulled himself out of homelessness, like ew.  Look, if it can happen to me- it can happen to you too!  It happened so fast my head is still spinning.

My crazy corns roommate, that I legally evicted through the Palm Motha Fuckin Springs Court, hasn’t picked up the things he abandoned at my home and has posted and texted that he moved out of state.  So I’m happy that he is gone and I feel so much safer, but I’m sure with how slimy he has proven to be, I haven’t seen the last of him.

I realize that I’m not the only one who has been a victim of this (his and others) scams of extortion (allegedly). It’s what’s happening in this golden age of dicks, rainbows, jobs, success, and drugs.  Those who are fucked up without a conscience find people like me and maybe you as easy prey.  I know I was blinded by a pretty face, and you may have been too.  But just because the outside looks pretty doesn’t mean the insides aren’t rotten af!

Regardless, this post is dedicated to the victims.  It’s YOU I’m worried about and hope you don’t feel alone in the cyclone of crazy people like this may have created in your home.  YOU are not alone.  YOU responded just like the majority of our swinging dicks community does/did/will do, you get blinded by a pretty face.

“What exactly do you do with a crazy roommate, Lee?” 

                Well bitch, I’m glad you asked cause I was just about to tell you!

  1.  Don’t fuck your roommates (especially if they have been in your home under 5-6 months)
  2. DON’T FUCK YOUR ROOMMATES
    1. “ landlords are prohibited from evicting a tenant (or refusing to renew a tenant’s lease) based on acts of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, human trafficking, elder abuse, or dependent adult abuse committed against the tenant where the tenant (1) has obtained a restraining order or police report that is not older than 180 days and (2) does not live with the abuser.375 The landlord may evict the perpetrator of the acts, but not the victim, under California law.”
  3. DON’T GET NAKED WITH YOUR ROOMMATES
  4. KEEP YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON IN FRONT OF YOUR CRAZY ROOMMATE
  5. Don’t masturbate in front of your roommate (cause they will say you did)
  6. Take notes
    1. Write down dates and actions.
    1. Video everything when dealing with anyone you suspect as Borderline PD.
      1. All your own interactions- record them!
    2. They will try to say you did something but you’ve been taping yourself so there’s no way they can prove their fake ass allegations.
    3. Text, talk, email your friends your concerns.
    4. Don’t join their family “Instacart” it’s just another way they try to emesh everything about you. They crazy!
  7. Reach out for help.
    1. Hire a good attorney if you have money
    2. I don’t have $ so I had to do it on my own. (I’m not an attorney and this is not intended to be legal advice.)

Here is the real #1  (And again, this is not legal advice. I’m just sharing how I did it.)

  1. Read the landlord/tenant rules for the state of CA (it applies here in Riverside/Palm Mother Fucking Springs, CA)
    1.  https://landlordtenant.dre.ca.gov/resources/guidebook/index.html
  2. Document if the scammer is doing any of the following
    1. Doing illegal things in your home
      1.  the landlord cannot terminate the tenancy or evict the tenant without just cause. The Tenant Protection Act defines just cause as either “At-fault just cause” or “No-fault just cause.”368 At-fault just cause includes: failure to pay part or all of the rent; a breach of a material term of the rental agreement; engaging in criminal activity or committing nuisance or waste at the rental unit; the tenant’s refusal to execute a written extension or renewal of the rental agreement with the same or similar provisions as the original agreement after the landlord’s written request or demand; assigning or subletting the rental unit in violation of the rental agreement; the tenant’s refusal to permit the landlord to enter the rental unit as required by law or the terms of the rental agreement; using the rental unit for an unlawful purpose; failure to vacate when the tenant’s employment with the landlord terminates; and failure to deliver possession of the rental unit to the landlord after providing the landlord with written notice of tenant’s intent to do so.369 No-fault just cause includes: landlord’s intent to occupy the rental unit for him/herself or his/her spouse, domestic partner, children, grandchildren, parents, or grandparents if the tenant agrees in writing to the termination or the rental agreement permits the landlord to terminate under these circumstances; withdrawal of the rental unit from the rental market; an order by a court or government agency for the tenant to vacate the rental unit due to habitability issues; or landlord’s intent to demolish or substantially remodel the rental unit.
  3. Also see.  https://www.palmspringsca.gov/government/covid-19-updates/resources-for-renters     

 Serve them with a 3-Day Vacate Order

  • You can print this online and just have your friend serve them the document. There are a lot of different websites, google “3-day vacate” order and you’ll have more than a few options.
    • Remember how I said have your friend serve it save the paperwork, they will sign it, because you’ll need it for the court.
    • If you have it served, tape it to the door, or have a friend hand it to them, it’s served.
      • It has to be served on a weekday, no that does not include weekends and Holidgays.  If you do serve it on a weekend or holigay, Day 1 for your 3 day vacate doesn’t start until the following working week day.
        • I learned the hard way
          • Ew and it was another blow while in a shitty experience so don’t be like me- read about it!
            • I understand it is harder to read about things when you are in duress, scared, angry, pissed, seeing red, etc.  
    • You can also have it served by the County Sheriff’s Office.
      • It’s $40 (or if you are like my crazy corns x-roommate, you’ll let some gross guy from Sniffies deliver it, allegedly). I’d prefer to pay the $40 in that instance.
  • After the 3 day vacate has happened take the proof of service to the Riverside Court House and get a number from the self-serve kiosk and go to the window when your number is called.
    • Ask for a 5-day eviction notice because you qualify under the rules listed above.
    • Provide your proof that the 5-day eviction notice is warranted
      • Pictures of them breaking the law
      • Case numbers from the police department
      • Text message print outs of conversations proving your case.
        • If it is narcissist, they won’t think you will use their own words against them.
        • Don’t delete your texts!
  • Get the gardener (that’s what I did) or the Riverside County Sheriff’s Office to serve the 5 day notice to vacate.
    • Yes, you have to wait another 5 days after waiting 3 (plus a weekend and/or a holiday)
  • If they don’t vacate after 5 days get the County Sherrif to forcibly remove them from YOUR home.
    • If they contest it, and if it’s a narcissist they will, you will be given a court date.
  • Go to the court date and present your *WELL DOCUMENTED* case to the judge/commissioner
    • Win
    • Have a peaceful home again
    • Celebrate with an edible.

Remember this is not legal advice, this is I was scared as hell and hope you don’t ever have to experience that like I did- advice.  (All statements are of my opinion but I sure do have a lot of supporting documents should we find ourselves again in front of a judge). 

Wishing You Safety, Queer Joy, and a Happy Home,

The Happy Homo

PS  Bitch, if you are reading this and I’m sure will.. I think liars are so gross.  BTW, where’s the last knife to my expensive knife set??? Ugh, do you know how long it took me to earn money to buy that? Ugh!

PSS I just would like to take this time to say a great BIG OL’, “HAHAHAHAHA YOU BITCHES!”  to those people who thought that Kim Kardasian was going to be a terrible actress.  That’s what you hateful bitches get!  She’s good… not great, she’s no Meryl Streep, but she good! You hatin bitches just wanted her to fail. So rude and for no GOOD reason.  You should be ashamed of yourselves if you were wishing someone else wouldn’t succeed at what they’re doing as they are chasing their dreams.  You know who you are.

PSSS  Haha! Yup! She’s a good actress. Xoxo

PSSSS So I have been sitting on this story since the last full moon. I just didn’t have time to re-read yet.  But since the time I wrote it, I had someone message me about the eviction process I used because they also had an (alleged) lying, using, nonpaying so and so they had to evict.

PSX5  I had a big realization about myself the last week.  I thought why would someone try and take away what little I have with a threat of a lawsuit with false/fake as fuck allegations? Then I took a step back and acknowledged for the first time that I’m not where I used to be. I can take a small step up from where I’ve been.   I didn’t realize that’s how people saw me, a step up from where I’ve been and so far away from equity in many of life’s domains.  Because I still feel like I’m on the first step on so many days.  I realize that, even though I’ve worked and changed my whole life to have a home, many people still have less.  I feel like I can almost get out of survival mode.  I write in gratitude.

PSX6 I like bananas.  I like bananas in peanut butter, I like bananas in chocolate, I like bananas inside me…. Just kidding you nasty bitches. I meant inside my mouth. B-a-n-a-n-a-s.

PSx8  So, I’m totally more sheltered than I realized.  Meh, I’m totally SL, UT all THE WAY. What’d you expect from a poor Mexican from Utah?  Now – THAT’S A UTAH PERSPECTIVE!

PSX9 I keep trying to fix the numbering above as it did not copy and paste over correctly. Every time I try it gets worse LOL- so it’s just going to stay like this. Meh.

PSx10 “Then I sprinkled magic all over your lies and grew flowers from your bullshit!”

PSx11 Update- (not legal advice just talking from someone’s experience) Don’t serve your squatter/criminal/druggie (or whatever) with a 30 or 60 day notice. Serve them with a 3 day notice. The squatter will try to get you to agree to a 30 or 60 day notice but don’t. They will have the run of your house and you’ll be stuck with them because of that decision. Don’t let them tie your hands, cause they will try.