Tie me up and fuck me hard! No, just kidding… I was just trying to get your attention. This is really about grief and loss, anticipated grief and loss, friendship, love, and hopefully getting ya’ll motivated to save our mother fucking country!
Bondage, really it was just a typo or maybe a hope for my future. Who knows? I doish.. but I digress. What I’m really trying to say is that I miss my Mister Bunny Marie, my Pancho Pie. I miss my dog.
I can honestly say that I’ve had many hard trials in my life, it hasn’t been an easy one. But then again, I don’t know many people who necessarily have it easy these days. I acknowledge that many of us(a) seem to have more than our fair share of them trubs. I iz one of many. What I mean to say again is I miss my dog.
Yes, I still have one pup, and she’s amazing, loving and sweet, but also a little shit. We are adjusting to our new normal; cause she’s only known having a brother her whole life. It’s very different not planning my entire life around an aging dog that is going blind, losing all of his teeth, and falls off or bumps into every little thing.
Ooooh, how I miss that little guy and pinching his little puppy butt. He’d get so offended. My Genni Lou, who is 4 years old, doesn’t flinch a cheek when pinched. And it takes all the fun out of it. Like she…actually likes it and is entitled to it. Yeah, that HER!
Another thaaang, is she doesn’t listen for shit, unless I raise my voice at her. Kinda like my crazy ol’ lady friend Rhonda Rae (Ron). He moved to Utah a few months back to finish out his days with his family nearby. He hated it so much; he didn’t want to die there and came back. I can relate!
When he was there (in Utah) it was rather sad to talk to him on the phone, because he sounded defeated and broken-hearted. That old slut missed the desert, the heat, and being surrounded by all you homosexuals. I’d miss ya’ll too if I had to leave.
He decided that he wanted to pass away in the very same home that his loving departed husband did. He tried Utah, loved the family part, but hated everything else about it.
Well since dat bitch is back I’ve taken him out a couple of times. Like last night, we were at a bar and that bitch, stiffed me when it was her turn to buy the drinks (after she stiffed me for even halfsies on dinner the other day). She is such a cheap bitch.
If she wasn’t a living prehistoric fossil, I might respond differently in those moments, but that cheap bitch is nearing her end. Besides the fact that she bugs me and gets on my last nerve- I do love that crazy old bitch.
Back to my grief and loss…
So, losing my dog was hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve never cried so hard and for so many days in a fucking row. And at different times throughout those days, not continually-I’m not creepy. I just loved my dog. (Ugh, I cunt tell a lie, I got teary eyed typing that paragraph.)
I’m so happy when I close my eyes, I can still see him in my mind’s eye. I hope I never lose those core happy memories. God, had I known how much this was going to hurt, would I even have ever done it in the first place?
The answer is a resounding Fuuuuuck YAAAAS bitch. Absofuckingloutly hoe! And might as well sprinkle in a little a few, “Like duh(s)…” in there too. All day er’day.
The grief was so strong and thick it vibrated through my whole being. And that’s because there was so much love that I felt for that little furry attitude filled animal. The love was also so strong and thick and vibrated through my whole being when he was alive too. He was my little baby that actually loved me back. I loved feeling that unconditional love, because sometimes as queer people we don’t always get it. I got it from him, and I get it from my remaining pup too.
I would rather know that I am capable of loving something else soooo much that my body would need to cry every day for a month- because I missed that something so much…. then never having shed those tears and emotions at all. I shed all of those feelsies and emotions out of my loving heart and the tired tear ducts of my eyes. It was a physical need for me.
Now back to Rhonda Rae… there’s a reason for an ADHD back and forth.
With Rhonda Rae being back in Palm Motha’ Fuckin Springs, and me taking my living little dog baby with me everywhere I go (cause I feel a little guilty leaving her home alone), I realize the two of them have a lot in common. Neither of those bitches listen to me and both are gassy! I must raise my voice at him too in order for him to listen. Both are naughty (in different ways) and both are bratty. And both are loved.
I’ve been yelling at Genni Lou across our beautiful little city for over a month now. I also yelled at Ron the other day when we left the bar. (Yes, it was still daytime. That’s the beauty of this place. You get home when the sun is still up, and you feel like you’ve had a whole evening. Or I’ve just passed that age where it feels that way. Who knows?)
Well, that bitch, Miss Help Help Me Rhonda (Rae) was drunk as … as well anyaya. Those stiff drinks snuck up on that hoe that night. Utah changed that Drunkiebrewster, and now she can’t drink like she used to. Or the real story is – she was day drinking before I even got to her, and she lied to my pretty face. Of all the pretty places to lie, my face! And that’s the reason she smelled just like…..like well anaya do at 4 PM.
The other thing you should know is that bitch refused her walker and cane when we walked into the bar. They were in the car just waiting to be used. Like whom is that bitch trying to empress? I mean impress. Why are some people so ashamed to use a walker or a cane? You made it this far lady, you old as fuck, are still at it, use your walker.
She started to stumble on the way out. I said, “Wait here. I’ll go get the car to come pick you up.” Then the bitch looks at me and keeps walking. “No, no wait here I’ll get the car I don’t want to pick you up off the floor, you heavy bitch.” He takes a few more stumbling steps, and I grab his arm and put it around mine. Annoyed, cause she doesn’t listen, I try to steady his walk unsuccessfully.
Realizing the dilemma I was in, I walked him to the closest car and said, “Wait here!” And you guess it, that bitch kept walking.
“NOOO! BITCH! STAY THE FUCK THERE YOU’RE GOING TO FALL. I CAN’T PICK YOU UP BY MYSELF!” (And you know why? Cause he gotz all that white man thickums booty. He’s heavy.) After I raised my voice, he stood up a little straighter and stayed leaning on the car while he rolled his old man eyes at me! Yeah. Rolled.
I quickly ran to my car, which wasn’t super far (we got princess parking that night). I put the fucker in reverse and picked him up after helping him in the car door. He smiled when he plopped in and said, “Okay, fine I’m drunk.”
Duh, you dumb bitch. I have eyes.
I can see you are Drunkybruster.
Mr. Drunkenstien, like duh.
So, with Ron, we know he is in the last phase of his life. We do sometimes talk about his passing. I know this may sound weird but I’m excited for him to go, just as much as he is. I know I’m sorta bonded to him and vice versa, so I’m sure it will be an adjustment for me, but not like the grief from losing my dog. That was a special bond. Ron is too, but it’s more palatable.
I know there’s more to this life than what we can see. I believe in an afterlife. Ron talks a lot about his husband- like all the time. Sometimes I feel like I sort of know him and he sounds like he was an amazing person. (He’d have to be.)
He wants to go be with his husband and I want that for him, but I’m not trying to rush it. His body is making it harder and harder for him to get around. He is feeling the aging process and fights it every chance he can. The grief and loss he feelsies is also real. He’s cheap and he misses his husband.
I imagine what that kind of love must feel like. I mean, if I love my dog so much, I cry for over a month. And Ron misses his husband so much that he still cries after 5 years of him passing, because he misses him so much- I can only imagine how wonderful that love was/is. I hope one day that I don’t have to. I know I’m capable of deep love and wouldn’t mind fine tuning that muscle with the right person, with a good person.
As for Genni Lou, well I think she’s going to get a sister. She makes me be too responsible when I take her out. I don’t always want to be. I also want to let loose a bit, and although she gets the daddies attention when we are out, she is also a cock blocker.
In this life… we get to feelsies so many different things. As human beings we are capable of feeling a broad spectrum of emotions and feelings. I hope that you choose to feel them and not avoid them, choose not to hide behind something else to avoid them, or just don’t ignore them at all. I know sometimes we have to in order to move on to the next day, but I encourage you to feel it when it’s safe to.
We are designed to feel even if it hurts. Sometimes we need help to process those difficult emotions. Sometimes medications help too, when they are too overwhelming. But eventually I hope you feel them. Even if they are scary and painful- feel them. That’s part of life and it helps you progress in your relationships for the rest of your life. Feelsies can be beautiful and when they are hard, it feels so good to deal with them and then let them rest.
I hope you are out there loving, being loved, and realized I love you too. Except for that Ian guy. You’re a bitch. (I’m not that evolved yet.)
God Bless Our Community, God Bless America, and I Miss My Dog,
The Happy Homo
PS Thought bubbles while watching the Meghan Sussex series on Netflix. “Everything is sooo purrrrdy! “I want to eat Meghan’s preserves. (And maybe her husband’s Sus’sex too.)” “Look at that rich lady putting 10 eggs into a treat for her friend. She must looove that friend! I only have 1-2 egg type friends. They gonna have to bring their own eggs or just make do.” ‘Yay, she’s friends with Mindy.” And, “Yay, she has a gay bestie.” She’s my favorite princess, besides my dog Genni Lou. Yes, Genni Lou is that important to me too- just like her brother was. Have you not taken that from this little story? Animals mean a lot to me. A favorite part of my life for sure. Another People’s Princess…Meghan is the true American Princess. If we must lose our country and government to a king let it be her husband and her. The others are monsters. But, I’d rather keep our democracy, freedom and constitution. NO KINGS! (Unless its Drag Kings- thank you!)
PSS No wonder a lot of women have body dysmorphia, dresses highlight every fucking unflattering curve. I tried on a few red dresses for the Red Dress event and it was discouraging. I might not wear a dress at all. Can I just wear red boy clothes? I look better in boy clothes LOL.
PSSS I don’t know if you watched the local news the other day but there was a lady who owns that store that falsely claims patriotism, when they mean communism. They sell antichrist merchandise and seem to do relatively well. I thought bubbled when I saw her on TV, “Oooo, that bitch has no gay friends. That is clear.” “Oooo, that bitch doesn’t even have any kind girlfriends that tell her how terrible her makeup is.” “I wonder how much they pay her to even run that store?” Because I think she’s paid by them to run that store. “Didn’t that bitch know she was going to be interviewed for that segment? And she still wore that raccoon makeup?” “Is she a Russian plant?” I think she’s also working for that bitch Putin.
PSSSS I had typed this little story and then received a package in the mail from one of my friends from college. It was a water color painting of my Pancho Marie. Yup, I cried. I loved it and Genni’s response to the painting also made me cry more. It was awesome!!!!
PSX5 Do those people who supported traitor Russian asset trump finally get it? He’s destroying our country? I ask the part of America that voted for him, are you really not seeing how criminal, corrupt, and full of shit they are? We are now part of a eugenics project led by F-Elon Musk-rat (the shadow president) and traitor trump. He even posted the upside down pink triangle, which was a symbol used by Nazis in WWII to identify gay people. He put a red crossed out circle around it. Do you log cabin fucking idiot republicans get it yet? You also don’t make it out alive. None of us(a) do, unless we do something about it. Time is running out.
PSX6 I know that my talking about God sometimes may freak you out. Many gay/queer people may not agree with my views and that’s okay; its expected. That’s because we’ve been beaten by the Bible and we’ve been told how wrong we are; which was not its intended use. You are beautiful and loved. I hope you don’t believe the lie that God doesn’t love us(a). That’s a lie.
I know there’s more than we realize because I’ve seen it in action. I know it’s true because I’ve had to cast out some evil demons in the name of Jesus from some friend’s homes (and mine too). I know it sounds crazy, but it worked! The demons we are dealing with today are different. They are flesh. They wear the devil’s brand on their foreheads (red hats) and use their hand to salute to evil. In my darkest gay moments, I took to prayer and I still do. I talked to God (one way of course). Hopefully He hears my prayers again and comes or sends us(a) help quickly. Because Molly (America) you in danger girl! We in danger gurrrl!
PSX7 Gaga’s album is everything and everyone should be listening to it. We need to show them that our influence is strong. Where we spend our gay dollars matters now more than ever. She was aaaamazing on SNL. If you haven’t yet- watch! Killa!
PSX8 Rep Al Green is an American HERO. I expected that reaction from so many more representatives. Why the fuck aren’t they standing up like him?
