Disappointed

I’m so disappointed today. But today’s disappointment is brought to you by the letters

M 

and

E,

As in as- I’m the problem it’s ME!  I’ve got nobody else to blame but myself. Ugh, I totes want to blame someone else but there is no one to blame, but ME. 

My little chunky horny brown body is telling me to step away from work right now.  Every day is painful as fuck.  This back pain is turned up waaay too loud.  And I don’t want to get my shitty attitude (because of how I feel physically) on anyone else but me.  I’ve tried so hard to be present and listen during my therapy sessions but it’s a little hard when something is stabbing me in my back and pain is throbbing down my leg at such a high decibles. 

I think I’m struggling with stepping away from work because I don’t want to lose my little business. I’m afraid to lose it.  I also don’t want to let anybody down.  Another thing, I don’t want to be poor and homeless or hungry ever again.  And that’s the damn truth.  I also don’t want to lose the lovely little home I worked so hard to get. It’s mine and I worked so hard to get it. I certainly don’t want to end up having to sofa surf again. There’s lot of things I don’t want to do again.

And I won’t if I can actually help it! Not when there is a job that actually makes me feel good when I’m doing it or that allows me to help other people in my own queer community. All the while making enough money to have a little bit extra now and again. (Finally!) (But now it doesn’t feel good on my body while I’m doing it.)

I hope more people get to say that they too actually like their fucking jobs and the people they work with.  I like being around my community. I like being surrounded by whole bunch of gay men all the time … surrounded by hot Daddies all the time (that works in a lot of different scenarios).  I like what I do so far and I think I’m just getting started.

I finally feel like I’m winning (for someone like me) at the game of Life and I don’t want to give that up. I’ve Wonder Woman braceleted my way to a tiny bit of success and now I can’t seem to find exactly where I last put it those bracelets.  The fight for me to thrive continues, that fight is real- so I’d better find those fucking bracelets.

I remember when I first started my little business. Those crazy evil sons of bitches posted all those fake negative as fuck client reviews.  I didn’t know if I was actually going to make it.  If I remember correctly- there were more posts from fake people saying they were clients that had a bad experience than I had real actual clients at that time. It was a brand-new business. I was reclaiming the word HOMO to mean something loving, endearing, Happy, and that stands for something more and each other.  And if using Homo in the name of business was going to work, and it’s a risky move…  it would work in a place like Palm Motha’ Fuckin Springs.

I’m just happy to be working and then some. Now, I’m not saying there is anything extra special about me or that I’m extra special cause I opened a business. There is a lot of need in our queer community. I mean… think about it… in our own personal mean-times – people across the planet in every nation, do a lot of mean, evil and terrible things to queer people.  And sometimes we do a lot of mean, evil and terrible things to each other. Of course we are going to be wounded. Of course we are going to need someone to talk to, a caring ear. Like duh. And what do hurt people do?  That’s also part of this life- lifeing (but does it have to be?).

(And I include the T in LGBTQ+ when I talk about the queer community- “you can’t have one without the other.”  I sang that as Al Bundy -Married with Children theme song. But We, you, me, they/them need to stay united, its an us(a) thing.)

I imagine that any mental health therapist could come to Palm Springs and be successful in starting their own practice. There is so much negative shit happening in our world for our people to process -right this fucking minute! Right now- RIGHT NOW! And sometimes they just need another SAFE gay ear to purge away their own disappointments. Sometimes they are shared disappointments, like what’s happened and continues to happen to our country.

No, I may not be super-duper special but when I first started things were already stacked against me and I came out on top. Not usually the top, but happy to learn how to be and continue to stay there. (This blog post will probably make them crazy bitches post negative fake shit again…and again. It’s like they are totes obsessed with trying to hurt me. Like ew…and *eye roll* oh fucking well.)

So finally, I get the chance to succeed… I Wonder Woman bracelet my way out of those negative fake client reviews and I’m busy every week.  I’m opened, I’m busy and now there is no one in my way- except ME.  And just as I suspected, my body is the one who is against me…. My betrayer. The chronic pain has gotten so bad I’m off work until I get the spine surgery.

Do they give extensions for spines? I’d like to be 5 ft 8.  That’s tall enough that I don’t have to look up a whole bunch of people’s noses anymore.  If they can do extensions to spines… I wonder if they can do entire spine implants????  As my spinal disk is trying to escape and bulge everywhere, the republicans in our congress seem to have none.

 Dear God please give our representatives courage to do the right thing right now and

lead them away from being corrupt, greedy, or chicken shit Americans

and given them courage to take a stand and fight for freedom. {Give us(a) that same courage}

Spinal surgery is going to put me out week or so and I can’t fucking wait!

Its painful as fuck waiting for it all to happen.

Doh, all this time building a safe work environment where I actually thrive and where I can be free… a place where I actually want to be (free from harassment) and then my own body betrays me.

I know I’m being dramatic…its only spinal surgery. Let me have a little moment. There are high success rates for this surgery but even I can’t help but think those scary intrusive thoughts. The scary “what ifs…”. Well I’m just letting them happen. I think about the scary shit and then think about how freeing its going to be  to live a life without that daily pain. I’m ready- lets do this while I’m young enough to still enjoy my body.

Oh one other thing,  I can’t wait to watch the AMAs tomorrow. Yes because its live with the hottest, sexiest, most talented hostess with the mostest Jennifer Lopez… J to the Lo – hello.  Let me have my whining minute and let me have the AMAs! 

I’m really extra disappointed in my body right now because I had a surgery date scheduled, then I got a call. They offered me a sooner surgery date and I jumped on that shit! Someone else cancelled and I gladly took their appointment. I jumped on that sooner date but with some reluctance… it just so happens to be the same week of World Pride.  

Thought bubble with me for a minute..….

First JLo’s concert gets announced last year after she finally released the Hummingbird album.

I’m in a position where I can finally afford VIP tickets and what do I do? Well duh, I buy very expensive seats and a meet and greet package. AND then my heart breaks because it gets cancelled.

Then they announce J to the Lo- Hello, is going to be performing in DC-  at WORLD PRIDE!!!!!!!!     What do I do? Well duh, I buy a couple of VIP tickets because I’m still hoping to see her!  If I can afford it- I’m going to give her ALL I HAVE, and buy a fucking ticket. One day I’ll get that expensive meet and greet ticket and my soul will sing.  

I hope that one day I’ll be just feet away from her while she is shaking…shaking…and shaking dat A$$ all about the stage and one of her hair extensions flies out and I lift of my gay as fuck limp wristed hand and I catch it!  Now I’m just as surprised as anyone else cause I can’t catch shit.  Not a ball thrown to me when I was young child forced to play sports on the junior high or high school field was caught. So, yeah, I’m surprised as fuck I caught the glitter filled hair extension.  Then I’d get to wear that used sweaty hair extension while doing things around my house or client notes.  I could even envision me wearing it while writing a future blog post.  *Gay sigh*

I am equally pained and disappointed with the dismantling of our government and how on the outside it seems that no one is doing anything to stop them from stealing food out of the mouths of hungry children and adults (just so the uber wealthy can avoid paying their fair share of taxes). That is also painful to me.  The cutting of Medicaid -so that the ultra wealthy can have tax breaks is disgustingly painful to watch.  Also it hurts to watch as they seem to be eager to strip away the power of our three branch government, remove all checks and balances, and move to limit the power of the Supreme Court.  Like ouch and WTF?

I was excited to go to World Pride cause it is in DC. I’ve never been to DC. Remember, I haven’t had fun money very long and I’ve only been able to depend on myself, my dogs, Jesus and JLo throughout the years. I wanted to go and see the Washington and Lincoln Memorial, the Martin Luther King, Jr., the World War II Memorial (the one where we helped defeat the Nazis), and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.  I want to see where AOC and Bernie Sanders work.   This very well could be one of the last years that America breathes her last free breath.  I wanted to see and experience Washington while freedom still rings. Before they strangle her and take away her voice (like they are doing to women across America).

I wanted to experience the history of our great nation, before its destroyed. But I won’t get to do it, because spine surgery first-maybe a trip to DC after I’m healed (if we remain a free nation).

So for me, I’ll take the AMAs cause that’s the only JLo concert type event that this world is allowing me to experience at this moment. Maybe I’ll get another chance at a Vegas show? I hope so.

Also, don’t ignore it. The right wing racist bitches have an anti JLo, anti- Beyonce, and an anti-Taylor agenda. I hope people always see through that bs. These women are hope dealers. They make you, me, they/them, and us(a) believe that anything is possible if we work hard enough for it. And if we don’t support the stars that show up for us(a), we won’t have them anymore. These are stars that bring hope to so many little gays like us(a).

Oh, and Anny-who… anyone who F-Elon hates and attacks in public (on social media) like he did to JLo a while ago is clearly on the side of good and God. I can see, so can you, that he is only after himself and stealing American people’s tax dollars (and he wasn’t even born here).  Like ewe again.  So, if I wasn’t already a super duper super JLo fan before F-Elon demonstrated his hate for her, I am even more now. (Trust me – I’ve always beeeeeean!)

And lets give another EWE, because they are going to try and whitewash Hollywood even more than it already is.  Look at what the tariffs on foreign cinema. They don’t want people of color to have hope. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some white people…. Ross Mathews and Drew Barrymore are very very white and I love watching them on TV.

So in all my disappointment I’m looking for the light. I’m looking for Jesus and JLo, they’ve never disappoint. I at least know what I’m getting with Jennifer Lopez. I know she gives good show. In my YouTube JLo hole, I’m reminded of it. AMAs I’m so looking forward to you! I so need some JLo love energy right now; America does.

Jesus, JLo and freedom- that’s all I need right now.

With Love, Pain, and Disappointment,

The Happy Homo

PS I was watching church live this morning from home and they said sometimes there are those people out there that you know all of their medical history, in a joking fashion. EEEEE! I’m that person- its ME! But I try to always have an uplifting type message, like I love you in there too.   

The Rev also said something like, “The world is heavy right now. Lift what you can.”  She also talked about a JUST world.  That’s the kinda world I want to live in. Sometimes I just need Jesus, JLo and my puppies to survive, but I also want to thrive. I also want that JLo used hair extension!

PSS  Today I learned how to stream YouTube shit from my TV so I could watch said church service. Yes, just today and after church I went down my first real YouTube hole. I’m a late bloomer. And it was Jennifer Lopez’s YouTube hole, and I loved it.  One of my all-time fav performances was when all the queens came out in JLo’s outfits, including Kerri Colby.  Are ya’ll watching All Stars Ruple’s Brackets?  And  I’d rather be a late bloomer here than not bloom at all. And I feel like I’m blooming here.  I’m finally getting enough sunlight, water and nutrients to bloom. (Also Bosco’s tits bloomed too.)

PSSS I think it’s a safe bet to say anyone who F-Elon is publicly hating on can come sit by me.

PSSSS So I mentioned that I got a new Chewie puppy named Elizabeth (pronounced A-Liz-beth) and now I don’t think my Genni Lou is a fan of puppies. She doesn’t like real children when we see them out and about. That should have been a sign, but I ignored it.

 And just so you know I’m a little wondrous about the Elizabeth…. Genny Lou growls otherwise.  Elizabeth does try to chew on my Cross necklace and my evil eye bracelet like everyday. Am I ignoring a hint? 

PSX5 OMFG I’ve already paid tickets and the place to stay in DC and I can’t go. ☹ M-A-D ABOUT IT!    And Ruples, Kim Petras, Sasha Colby, and so many other fun acts are going to be performing for DC Pride. D-O-H!   In times like this… we need PRIDE!  My friend who is still going better be live stream feeding me JLo live from World Pride or I’m gonna be M-A-D!

PSX6 God bless America. Thank you to our soldiers and veterans who gave their lives so that I can whine and complain, or laugh and celebrate, write, blog as loudly as I want to online and even protest in person about the things that are a danger to freedom and America. (Its a shame what they are doing to Harvard. Disgusting. Childish. Petty. People are rolling over in their graves.)

HAVE SO MUCH FUN AT WORLD PRIDE! HAPPY PRIDE WORLD!