Initially I was going to put this post off until after the New Year. Then I thought, why wait to say a heartfelt thank you to people who have bettered my life without even knowing them? So, I write, and the second part of the Christmas post can come later. Maybe even after Christmas, the same issues we have in America will still be there next week but some of our community members may not be.
As I’ve said many times before, working within this gay homosexual cock sucking mecca has been a highlight of my professional/social work career. Although, I do admit there are mixed messages from time to time. One being let yourself be free sexually, experience everything and everyone you can, however you want to. The other message being, if you want to work in this city and be a professional then you can’t shit where you eat- choose wisely. In other words, I can’t have my cake and eat cock too. It gets a little confusing, but I’ll manage. I still want my own path (not one that someone dictates I have to take).
It’s never been easy for most gay men and I’m no exception. But we’ve managed and we continue to do what we have to do to survive and sometimes thrive. I for one love the freedom I feel here but now I realize not everyone has my best intentions in mind and others well are downright evil bitches that deserve to get their wigs snatched. But I’ll refrain today because so many of you have also refrained, I’ll explain.
I was blessed enough to work at my last employer and fell in love with the people that I served. Most were gay men, older and living with HIV. I’m as surprised as anyone else that I love listening to your stories about living through the AIDS epidemic, living in real fear that you were next, and having to navigate a life after lost lovers, friends, neighbors, and family members. You literally watched big segments of your community disappear right in front of your eyes and you were outcast and labelled by America as damaged and do not touch.
I’m equally blessed that I get to still work with this population in my private practice. If you haven’t gathered yet, I’m saying thank you for sticking around to those people who have lived long term with HIV/AIDS.
I recently had a client bring me an old magazine they were on the cover of from 1999, “Positive Living.” It made me realize sometimes I’m guilty of not thinking deeply because, I admit sometimes I’ve just been trying to survive this world (like so many other gay men and LBT+). Living in a queer friendly sex positive retirement community I see and feel things I never have before. I appreciate experiences and people that I won’t ever know personally. And they matter, because we matter.
Despite so many obstacles, failed clinical trials and failed medications, you are still here because you stuck through the mean-times and terrible times of grief and loss so there could be an effective medication for you and me. You guys are all getting older now and dying off, but not necessarily because of the disease.
You stuck around to better my life and I didn’t want to pass up the chance to tell you, while you are here, that I appreciate everything you do or have done to continue the study/clinical trials for HIV/AIDS, what it means to live with the disease long term, and the effects or toll the medications and the virus have taken on your body. Without you being a human guinea pig and a pin cushion, we wouldn’t be where we are at today. I wouldn’t have a medication that keeps me undetectable, and we wouldn’t have a medication that people can take as a preventative. You were part of that and sometimes I think we forget to acknowledge you and the work you’ve done.
It’s a much different experience contracting the disease these days, but I was still terrified in 2002 just the same. As a young kid I would see things they said about you guys on the news, on TV and they weren’t always kind to you or your friends. In fact, there was a lot of blame placed on you, hate and discrimination burdened your daily lives, and fear devastated many people that couldn’t take the ignorance and hate of the world and cut out a little early. You could have cut out early too, but you didn’t. Some people may respond with, “Well I didn’t have a choice.” I’m here to say that you did and I’m grateful for the choice you made to stick around to further the medical advances to combat this disease. Thank you.
I’m not trying to shame or cast an ill light on anyone that cut out early because that hate and evil they faced from their fellow human beings was a heavy burden to carry. I’m not saying I condone suicide I’m just saying I understand. And until you are in that situation, I don’t think casting judgement is your prerogative.
I love the sense of purpose I get from working here. I hope I get to meet more of you in the future and get to hear more of your stories. It opens my mind, heart and soul deeper than it was when I arrived here. I hope more people take the time to listen to your stories because it’s my story too. It’s all of our stories. Your life matters and it always has, and it always will.
Thank you for sticking around. Thank you for refraining from taking a shorter path.
With Immense Gratitude,
The Happy Homo
PS I realize why I love listening to such a dark time in our queer history. It’s because there were little lights of love everywhere. You found the love, or you were the love that was needed for a community wrecked by this disease. Some may view the HIV/AIDS history as all bad, but according to you guys there was love, there is love and there will always be love no matter how hard it gets. We just have to be brave enough to stick around and find it.
