“I don’t shine if you don’t shine.”
— AMINATOU SOW & ANN FRIEDMAN
No, I haven’t read the book, “Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close”, by Aminatou Now and Ann Friedman. It is on my list, and I am looking forward to the day I get my hot little homo hands all over it. Its relevant today because despite all the trials and really BULL SHIT, that I’ve experienced over the last year, my cup still runneth over.
“What does it ‘runneth’ ova with Lee?” Well bitch, I’m glad you asked because I was just about to share my thoughts on the runniest runneth over of my life.
No, I don’t have the runs… at least not as I’m typing this. LOL. I’m talking about the feeling of gratitude and freedom I feel here in Palm Springs. Freedom to love, dress, live, laugh, whore around, or be as bland as my little booty shorts want to be. I can dress in leather or a jock strap at a bar (even if I don’t feel quite comfortable doing that completely yet) or I can go watch a play at the Palm Canyon Theatre. There are booty shorts for all occasions, and I’ve never felt more comfortable wearing them than I do here. In fact, I would have never worn them in Utah. It’s just not worth the issues that it brings.
Gratitude, because there was a moment, I was feeling a little bit lonely, and I was reminded I’m not alone here. Gratitude for the desert scenery, most of the people, that it’s a place for all people (despite if I like them), and for opportunities. I was having some issues with a crazed roommate and many people came to my aid with messages, pictures, screen shots, etc. It was a cool feeling to have come over me amid such an awful experience. And my friends from Utah… well my love for them deepened as they stood up for me against my enemy. Yes, I use the word enemy and I’ll explain shortly.
Something else that makes me have the runs (of gratitude) is merely being in a state where there are so many brown people. I fucking love that I can go in any direction and there are my people. Well let me preface that with, I am one of the whitest Mexicans, a Wexican, if you will and I know it. I was born and raised in Utah, duh! I have a little bit of a valley girl accent and struggle to say my t’s in certain works like, “Mountain” pronounced “Mowun” and “Layton” pronounced “Layun”. And unfortunately when people speak to me in Spanish I answer in English. (You think I sound Wexican now… you should hear me speak Spanish.)
Despite how white my surroundings were as I grew up; I’ve always been Mexican and was reminded of it continually throughout my life. Only, the other end of the spectrum is that I wasn’t Mexican enough. No matter what side judgment comes from I also feel extreme pride of who I am and what I’ve overcome just to get here- especially in this moment right now.
There is something happening in Hollywood, and I want to express my gratitude for it. Hollywood is showing Mexicans in a positive light. Where we are the main characters achieving our dreams from Hot Cheetos, to Ashoka (a fucking Jedi) to Space (a fucking astronaut). A vast difference from a couple years ago when that deranged x president and traitor to America was attacking us, calling us gang bangers, drug addicts and rapists.
It’s about motha’ fuckin time too Hollywood! Earlier this week I watched, “A Million Miles Away.” It’s a film inspired by the true story of Jose Moreno Hernandez, a migrant farm worker who followed his dreams to become the first Mexican field/farm worker to make it to space. He was turned down by NASA 11 times, but his Mexican “tenacity” persisted and he was/is AND always will be a fuckin astronaut.
I don’t know if it was the gummies I ate before I watched it for the first time or if it was just an amazing movie, or both. I was filled with pride as I watched that movie and could see people that look like me and worked in the fields. Yes, I too am a migrant farm worker. My family, my familia, well on both sides were migrant farm workers.
Thinking about it makes me want to blow my nose. At a cellular level, my nose feels the dirt from the onion fields caked around its insides and down into my throat. Like a dirt onion ring, pun intended. My face remembers the dirt clogs that would form in the corners of my eyes, blanket my skin, grit in my teeth and in my ears.
Good God, I’m so grateful that I went to school so that I’d never have to work in an onion field, corn field, cherry tree orchard or any field ever again, if I don’t want to. Annnnnnnnnd I don’t want to. I don’t think people realize how hard a job that is. It’s awful and for delicate flowers, like me, especially at such a young age- I don’t recommend it. I don’t want to do it again, but I know I can if I have to.
They showed real life Mexican experiences where he had to work in the fields as a kid, like all my cousins, brothers and sister did. And they were showing them in a good light, they were still heros. I remember being in the fields as early as 5 years old. I could relate to the exhausted kids in the movie.
The kids were so tired from work, like falling asleep in class kind of tired. I remember feeling exhausted working back then and to be honest I’m still exhausted today from the work that I did in the fields back then. My body remembers it and it’s still exhausting.
Seeing these cute little brown kids made me contemplate, am I happy if I never have a kid of my own? I tried adoption and foster care back in Utah. Didn’t quite end up as I planned and I’m okay with that now. I don’t think I want a kid but if I had one, I would probably encourage them to be pilots in some form or another. In Astronaut Jose Hernandez’s interview he identified that was the missing component to his application when he compared himself to all the other astronauts that were accepted into the program. And then the motha’ fucka went and became a pilot! His tenacity really was his superpower. Is it yours? Is it mine?
The reason why I would want my kids to be pilots? Well at the rate we are going, someone is going to have to fly us off this planet since we can’t seem to get off the gas titty fast enough. Our planet is hurting, like many of our people.
So Hollywood, I’d like to applaud you for filling me with pride with this movie. Pride like I don’t remember experiencing in a long time, maybe since Selena (with Jennifer Lopez). (I love me some Jenny from the Block movies. They also make me feel a sense of pride seeing a brown strong female in movies.)
It’s cool to have an actual living legend, Astronaut Hernandez and his story on the screen because with Selena, well we all had our dreams in her and we know how that ended and how much that broke our little brown hearts. It left me thinking, we work hard and someone can take it away from you in a heartbeat. Well this movie depicts an actual living Mexican farm working legend, an actual living Mexican American legend!
Persistent, this Hernandez dude was persistent. Hernandez is my maternal grandmother’s maiden name, I’ll have you know! I just want to say, “Tio Astronaut Jose” I was really named after you and have missed you my whole life. I want to extort you! LOL, just kidding. That was an awful experience and can’t believe people do that to others.
Let me clarify, I’m also persistent and resilient AF! Earlier this week I attended a deposition. It made me realize, yeah I can do hard things if my time in the desert has clearly indicated anything- its that! I hadn’t thought about it all at once like that for a while and it was kinda heavy, but I’m ready to move forward and on.
When I worked in the mall earlier in life that someone was spitting in my drinks and loogies on my car (that’s short version), to being paid $5-10 or $15 less than my white counterparts for doing the same job (just better) in the ER. My goodness I started that teddy bear/toy office shelves for kids in the Layton ER, I was just better in that role (in my humble opinion). To speak to recent desert experiences from being bullied at work from a colleague, to my boss turning out to be a bully and then her boss too. Being denied accommodations through the America’s Disability Act requests for small adjustments to the schedule to prevent back pain, to eventually being fired after finding my old crazy boss in my office when I came back for lunch, when she had no right to be in there, to being wrongfully fired. (There’s more..)
I also had a cancer scare. I literally thought I had polycythemia vera, went to an oncologist to be told I didn’t have that cancer. Thank GOD I don’t! But what burns probably the most is that when I thought I had cancer and I asked for a decreased workload so that I could attend doctor’s appointments, “While I figure out what it means for me…”, was returned with a “fuck you nothing is changing”, well in so many words from my supervisor. That was the salt in the wound where it felt like I don’t matter to these people at all. They don’t care if I live or die, so much as they don’t have someone pointing out the things they are doing wrong. That was the kick in the balls moment.
So all of that and then to top it off, I faced some old demons of mine and won. Then to a moment in my financial struggles (after being wrongfully terminated) where I sought out a roommate, to that turning into someone allegedly prostituting out of my house, allegedly using drugs in my home, and allegedly are currently trying to extort me for money he thinks I’m getting from a lawsuit. Money, I don’t even have, it’s crazy.
So yes beeoches, I survived Hurricaine Liesamasmelli. Things that I want to mention about court, in short cause this is getting to be too long, and no one will read it if it’s too long. Lazy fuckers, me included.
Well in court and posted on his social media, he said to the world that I masturbate in front of my tenants. Also said I pointed my gun at him, to I sexually assaulted him, to I sexually harassed him and led him to his first suicide attempt ever. I wish bish, just kidding- suicide is not something to joke about, nor is it something to try to allege is the fault of someone else. I even said to him, “So you are saying that I caused you to want to kill yourself in a few days of being here? And you want to stay?” He said something like, “Well it wasn’t entirely you. You were just pin that made it pop.” I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t the pin and that was just one of your used needles not properly discarded that popped ya, boo. I just told you that you didn’t look well, remember I offered to even take you to get your labs. (You ‘member!)
He’s a button pusher, a baiter, and an antagonist. I won’t give him or me the satisfaction of responding to him.
There’s more tos he added later… “What you mean later, Lee?” Well again, glad you asked bitch, cause I was just about to tell you.
At our last court date, he lied to the judge saying that I masturbated in front of him 5 times (up from 1 time), to every time he worked out in the living room I’d walk in and he was so hot that I couldn’t control myself and I’d pinch my nipples and start fingering my own hole after spitting on my fingers. (Sarcasm)
I envision myself in a midriff shirt with the nipples cut out walking by the wall and peeking into the living room. “Oh my goodness, I’ve never seen anyone do an exercise before. Yummm.”
{GASP} He really said that I would go out to the living room and touch myself while I watched him work out to the judge, like ew. AS IF! I don’t like being in a gym (different than a Jim), longer than I have too. I certainly don’t want to go to a gym to watch someone else work out. Not my thing boo boo.
I finally get to Palm Springs and start opening up sexually, without drugs and at my pace. This was after being on a vacation from dick for a long while, I just didn’t prioritize it. However, I want to now. I think it’s because I’ve not yet been able to thrive and I want to feel safe to do so. I sure hope I get the chance here (to thrive and still feel safe).
So yeah, I think I’m pretty fucking resilient myself. I’ve never felt like I could do anything I put my mind to more than I do now. I’m a fighter, I don’t give up. I may get down, just like every other human being, but I don’t stay there. Or at least I haven’t yet, and I don’t plan on it. Just like the Mexican Astronaut (it sounds beautiful, doesn’t it?), he was persistent and pushed through like I think I have and then some this last year. Yea, I literally thought I had cancer. I cried and everything. It was a thing and it bent the fuck out of me but didn’t break me.
Maybe, just maybe I can do anything I put my mind to. Just like the rest of you brown and gay people can. I have a chance and I feel it more alive today in me than it has ever been. These experiences didn’t break me, I’m still here and I’m still happy bitches. You can do anything you put your mind to… that’s power. Except for extortion, extortion is gross.
So, Jose Hernandez was/is the first migrant farm worker to make it into space. Who is the second? And the third? It’s an important movie and all little brown kids should watch it. The fourth wall messages speak to your soul, or at least it did mine.
Look despite what anyone thinks, I’m not going to act like I’m better than you, because I’m a field worker trying to make it like the rest of them. But I’m also not going to act like I’m worse than you either. I’m a brown gay single man trying to figure shit out — just like the rest of you. I share many similar experiences from addiction to abuse, to rejection and harassment, pay discrimination to bullying. And I also want love, to be loved, and to love someone with my hole heart and my hole just like the rest of you do too. (Yes, I meant to misspell that you judgy bitches.)
I have an avenue, through education to earn a living supporting YOU, our Queer + community. Who better to seek support from than someone in the same boat, riding the same ride, cruising the same bars as you are? It can be a scary place, but it’s also beautiful.
So despite the negative fake reviews from “people” (person), I never treated in my private practice, I hope you consider me when depression, anxiety, or stress from traumatic events happen to you. Because they will… they will happen to you and me both. That’s the beauty of this all… pain and hurt is part of this life. But to see beyond that and the green fields (that I didn’t work in) of dicks and rainbows to see possibilities and the intentions behind those dreams is being your own astronaut without leaving the ground. I’m in no way the best therapist, but I’m real, and I do give a shit about you and this community.
I’m not willing to give up the queer joy I felt when I arrived. So, Palm Springs… you have a choice in my future. Do you support my business and help make me shine, so that I can in turn make those who need it, shine? Choice is yours…but if my business fails.. I’m still not leaving LOL
You bitches be stuck with me, and I’ll do hospital ER work or something else again, because I’m a resilient mother fucker. I mean, I don’t want to work in the ERs again, but I don’t want to go back to Utah even more. I think I would prefer to work in a field before I go back to Utah. Well… it’s a tossup.
Let’s see where this lands.
In AWE & MAD RESPECT to Astronaut Hernandez, His Family and all the Talented Actors in the Movie,
The Happy Field Working Resilient Mexican Homo
BRAVO!
PS “Shine Theory is an investment, over the long term, in helping someone be their best self—and relying on their help in return. It is a conscious decision to bring your full self to your friendships, and to not let insecurity or envy ravage them. Shine Theory is a commitment to asking, “Would we be better as collaborators than as competitors?” The answer is almost always yes.”
PSS Let them shine! Michael Pena and Rosa Salazar deserve Oscars. Let’s see if Hollywood will vote for Mexicans. *Flips cute and sparkly theater binoculars, “I can’t wait to see how this turns out.” Oh, and that supporting cast also deserves Oscars- every last one! I felt them in their acting, especially as they broke the 4th wall and talked directly to my brown homosexual soul. I needed that positive affirmation in that moment, and I received it warmly from this movie.
PSS 1 If that Bobby Soto (Beto) doesn’t win something for his amazing performance that just means Hollywood like many of our bullies in life, also holds brown people back.
PS 1.1A Just look at J to the LO, Hello. Is it the curse of the Marilyn Monroes? Hot beautiful woman does movies that everyone, including Hollywood loves and watch frequently.UMM, like Mother in Law, led by a beautiful actress who can be perceived as having tooo much success or too much beauty that Hollywood’s jealousy keeps them down from being the legends they are? Hmmmmmm….
PS 1.1.A.a Give that girl and Oscar already and give these Mexicans theirs too! They deserve it. So does she.
PS 1.1.A.b I did this PS for you! You know who you are 😉
PSS What is Shine Theory?
PSS1 Shine Theory is an investment, over the long term, in helping someone be their best self—and relying on their help in return. It is a conscious decision to bring your full self to your friendships, and to not let insecurity or envy ravage them. Shine Theory is a commitment to asking, “Would we be better as collaborators than as competitors?” The answer is almost always yes.
PSS1.1A https://www.shinetheory.com/
PSS1.1A.1 This movie couldn’t have come at a better time. My television noise is in the background while I type this. A few hours ago, a republican senator was on CNN and was criticizing the immigration policies without offering solutions.
PSS1A.2 He said the words, “Catch and release” like these brown people that look like you and me, are animals. Like they are the rapists and murders and not asylum seekers that they are. Catch and release. How fucking gross. Weren’t not wildlife.
PSS1.1A Vote for democrats- vote blue and vote brown or black if you have a great option.
PSSS “I bitch, I’m a boss and I shine like gloss”
PSSSS Ding Dong- there was someone at my door. I think that crazy lady is trying to serve me again for something she prompted. What do I mean? I mean she sends me texts and then I respond. I’ve told her over and over again to leave me alone. I wonder what it is this time? I wonder if its because I said I didn’t care where he was or what he was ordering and to remove me from the family Instacart he weirdly created? Maybe because I really do think he’s gross and don’t want anything to do with him or his extortionist tactic.
PSSSS1 I didn’t get to present to the court the court report I made for our last hearing. It was long and said so much to the character of this person. I still don’t understand how someone could blatantly lie about so many things. It’s beyond me and I hope to never be so desperate or in need of money or attention that I do those things. I hope that I never feel entitled to someone else’s benefits of their hard work. Its gross. I don’t even know this person and I want him far, far away from me.
PSSSS1.A What do you think she’s making up and accusing me of now?
PSSSS1.A.1 I tried to take him his things – just to be done with him and he refused. So crazy. I see his end game, but that ain’t happening. I never touched that hooker or exposed myself to that hooker. Ew, ew, EW.
PSSSS1.A.2 You know half of Palm Springs would want to watch me masturbate. And I just may with some of you, but I didn’t with him. Cute Gurl Promise I didn’t. She nasty, like hygiene nasty. No thanks.
PSX5 Do you think he’s like obsessed with me? I was hoping it was going to stop. I’ve tried over and over to get him his things. I’d like to be done with him forever, as soon as possible. Ew, as if.
PSX6 Gurl, Get YO’ shad OUT MY MOTHER FUCKIN SHINE!
PSX7 Heros can come from onion fields no matter what ANYONE says.
PSx8 And everyone masterbates. I’m not going to let that shame monster eat me alive. I’m just like everyone else. And if he ever did see me materbate- it was not with my permission. Which makes it even creepier than it already is! But then again, this person feels he is entitled to whatever he wants. I don’t put it past him to have spied on me in a private moment, behind closed doors and with shades drawn. No this is not one of your “movies” this is real life and you’ve never been welcomed into those spaces. So back the fuck up! Creepy gross and there’s times I do like to be watched… but not by this creep.
