Ring …ring…. Ring.
Him- Hello
Me- What up sexy pants?
Him- Who is this?
Me- Yo’ mother fuckin Daddy.
Him- Who is this? Who you calling?
Me- I said it’s you mother fuckin Daddy bitch. Wait is this Joe?
Him- Yes
Me- (giggling) I’m a little stoned bitch
Him- I think you have the wrong number
Me- Joe? Wait… you fuckin with me? GI Joe?
Him- Who you trying to call? I think you have the wrong number.
(I looked at my phone and realized that I hit the wrong Joe. My stoned face turned red and I screeched like a little bitch!) It was in this moment that I realized I need to have a work cell phone and a private cell phone. Ugh, I need two phones.
GI Joe… well, he’s my straight friend from Utah. I haven’t talked to him in so long, but I do think about him from time to time. Our friendship should have never ever happened, but I made it happen. But oooh my goodness that bitch made me work for it. But it happened and is still there today.
How’d you do that Leeeeee? Well bitch, I’m glad you asked because I was just about to tell ya. But first, how did I get sexy GI Joe from the hippocampus to the Broca’s area of the brain?
Well, I was hanging out with the hummingbirds and the puppies after Rhonda Rae and I went out to dinner. The birds were still out because we eat dinner early, like a lot of people do, bitches don’t judge. I figured if I had to clean my house, I might as well smoke a yummy joint and be stoned while I do it.
Sooo, I smoked and called Ron. I had the case of the chitty chatty Chi Chi and the giggles. Rhonda asked about my last employer and the bully therapist that started in on me before I even started working there.
Rhonda Rae- How often does that happen to you?
Me- What? People being mean?
Rhonda Rae- Yes
Me- Oh insecure bitches always seem to come for me. I don’t even have to do anything they just hate me. It happens all the time.
Rhonda Rae- At work too?
Me- Oh yea.. let’s see. I remember when people spit in my drink and on my car when I worked at the Layton Hills Mall….and… (I then elaborated about the story).
Then I told him about the fat mean girls at the police station I worked at for a minute. Then I said, “Oh, I’m skipping too far ahead. Let me go back.” There were times at DCFS too.
That’s how I got GI Joe on the brain. See he was one of those straight people who hated me when he met me, for no reason at all. We both worked at the Division of Child and Family Services in Davis County (after I transferred from SLC). When I first started and was introduced to the team, I could tell I made him uncomfortable. I don’t know if anyone else could see it, but I’m used to picking up on bitches (if I’m not worried about paying my mortgage and needing a roommate a while ago, ugh).
My GI Joe bigot suspicion was confirmed as every time I would enter a room he was in, he’d leave. If there was a meeting or a group of people talking and I came and stood near him (because there was nowhere lese to stand), he’d move as far away from me as possible. I thought, “Ugh, not again.” I should have realized that this just one of the many burdens that my gay bright light brings out in people. People gonna hate and be rude, then turn around and expect you to be polite in return.
This little light of mine tends to irritate the darkness in people and ignites hate. Today I say , FUCK IT!” But back then thought of that old saying, “It’s harder for them to hate you if they know you.” I thought to myself, “Well fuck yes that’s true because I’m fucking fantastic.” I knew that I just had to create an opportunity for him to see how fucking fantastic I am.
A few of my failed conversation attempts happened, which led to him walking away like he didn’t hear me talking to him. It made me put my sequin thinking cap on. One morning I stopped off at Crispy Cream, because I noticed his thick ass loved donuts and snacks. I could tell by his thick thighs, LOL – just kidding, it was just funny to type. So, I ordered a dozen assorted donuts and then my glittery plan was put in motion.
His office was set up with the front of his desk facing the door, like a schoolteacher’s desk facing the student. Little did he know that I was going to school him on some mother tuckin manners. I walked by his office and made sure he was sitting in his seat. I walked in with the box of donuts.
Me- Want a donut? (I lifted up the lid cause I knew thick thighs was gonna want one.. still funny to type)
Him- doh duh dooohdododhsoohj ummm uuuh doh. (Very dumb straight Mormon man)
Me- There’s a variety to choose from. I’ve got to go to court in a few. Do you mind if I just leave the donuts here and send an email telling the office to come here and get one if they want one?
Him- Okay (trying really hard not to even look at me.)
I thought to myself, “See that rude bitch can speak to me.” I stood in his doorway and started talking about Goddess knows what, but I knew, and he knew he didn’t have a way out of his office. My arm was across the door and I stood firmly planted in the middle of the doorway and my belief that I was going to get this bitch to like me, if not love me.
He sat there and I gabbed in the least threatening way possible. Then I asked him a question about his opinion on one of my cases. I knew what I was supposed to do, I was just playing dumb and know stupid straight boys, even the bigots like it when people are inferior to them and need their smart man brains in order to survive. *twirls hair*
While I talked, I watched him squirm in his chair like the uncomfortable bigoted worm he was. I knew he was thinking, “Get the fuck out of my office faggot.” But I smiled and in my mind I was just thinking I was Jennifer Hudson, “And you …your gonna love Lee.”
That was the start of exposing a bigot to this happy homo gay person and a start to a friendship that never should have happened. It would have never happened if I didn’t try. And it would have never happened if I wasn’t willing to be uncomfortable myself and maybe a little scared. Really, I was just tired of mean people in the workplace and I didn’t want to change offices again, cause the next closest office was in Ogden. I didn’t want to go back to SLC, and Ogden would have been a wash and this bitch did not want to drive that far. I needed the job to work out. And if he was mean I could just call my cousin Sherri. Everyone needs a Cousin Sherri.
Ring Ring Ring
GI Joe- Heeeey
Me- (giggling) Oh my god I’m so stoned guess what I just fucking did! Well wait… I’m going to start over. I’m going to just say what I said, say hello again.
(GI Joe- dumb adorable straight boy chuckle.)
GI Joe- Hello
Me- Heeeey sexy pants. Now ask who this is.
GI Joe- Who is this?
Me- It’s yo’ mother fuckin Daddy bitch. I just called the wrong number thinking it was you and a guy answered and it was the wrong Joe. Now I’m so embarrassed!
His son and wife were in the background. GI Joe, “Hold on guys, I’m haven’t talked to him forever.” Then his son kept going, “Fine, Lee he says hello.” Me- aaaah tell him hello and I miss you guys.
I then told him the story of our friendship that I was telling Rhonda Rae. He laughed, “Yup, that’s what happened.” Me, “And then I told him, I’m going to make him my fucking friend and then I did.” Him, “Yup.” I’m glad I did. Life is richer when you can play with a GI Joe.
His wife was in the background, “Tell him we have his T shirt.” I inquired, “A t shirt? Where’s my shirt bitch?” Him, “Yea, we made t shirts for Pride this year.” Me, “My goodness you guys made pride t shirts and just to think you didn’t even want to talk to my gay ass when you met me.” Him, “Yup. And I would have never gone to Pride- ever before that either.”
Long story short, GI Joe and I have been shitty drunk together. And nope I never took advantage of him that either one of us remember. We went clubbing together, got him to go to his first gay bar, and meet other gay people that weren’t me. Exposed him to a lot of pretty titties (girls and guys). I even got him comfortable with guys hitting on him and him not beating them up or feeling completely grossed out by it. He now realizes it’s a fuckin compliment and now he can take one, A BIG ONE! (Take a big one Joe?)
JK, he’s straight. But on the real…he turned out to be such a nag, always calling and wanting to go hang out and have a drink. Always wanting to invite me to a party and I’m like, “GI Joe I have a kid” or “GI Joe I have to sleep.” Or “GI Joe straight people are only fun at gay bars and when I’ve been drinking.”
I adore him and even went on a boat with him and also went floating down a river with his kids and his wife. He even offered his manly presence and gross male bonding/reasoning with my adoptive son more than a few times. I think they talked about sports; I usually just glaze over if people are talking about the wrong balls. But, like I thought that ol’ saying was right. It turns out it is harder for people to hate me and you if they get to know us. I think that’s why RuPaul’s Drag Race is so important right now, in this moment of American history.
It sure does make the hooker in me think… are our first responses to other human beings that are different than we are always negative? Are we open to people who are different? I think this election is a reflection of the bigotry and racism that inflicts a lot of Utah Mormons and other people. GI Joe had to deprogram the way he thought about gays and in particular. I am sure glad he did.
Ugh, he got so comfortable with me he called me like every weekend, like all the time. Like ew GI Joe, no I don’t want to watch a football game with you that’s disgusting. Like ew GI Joe, you know which balls I want to see.
Shit, I hope our country turns out to be like GI Joe and we get to see each other for who we are and that we can get passed or even honor our differences. I hope republicans open their possessed hearts, minds and stop worshiping the devil of hate and insurrections. Just remember that half of America is Republicans. Then half of them don’t support traitor trump. Let that be a reassurance, but also a fire under our asses to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to elect anyone other than him. I don’t think that level of moral bankruptcy has ever reached the White House, except for him.
So, I also want to preface this with, so I’m an alien lovin nerd. Probably because I’m hoping for a smarter, more intelligent, and kinder race than what we humans are proving to be. Yaaas, bitch I was watching Ancient Aliens (which I love) and they highlighted the events of the congressional hearing on aliens, possible crashes, and harboring a live alien. One of the people talked about speaking to the alien as part of his job and called him JRod.
In the tv show they showed a caricature/ a drawing of JRod behind a locked metal door. He was looking out of the window. The guy also stated that JRod worked with them on reverse engineering his down spacecraft. (And then look how scary they made JRod look. Everything we don’t understand- make it all super scary looking. What if he and his peeps are all about love and kindness and shit? What are we showing them about the human race?)
I don’t know why it took me so long to think about the alien in this situation. Was I just being a human and not caring about the feelings or life of someone or something different than me? I think that human beings in power, and I think in general, would excuse away harboring/imprisoning another life form (even a smarter life form) for our personal gain. Meaning, I don’t think they would have thought twice about locking up an alien (like a war prisoner), to gain the knowledge of their technology. Humans have kind of proven to be gross that way.
So, if it is true like the hot guy that testified to congress reported, what the fuck about JRod? Is he really a prisoner? is he really a he? Or is they/them more appropriate for his species? Or their species? When does JRod get released? Is JRod free to move around wherever the fuck he wants? Have they released him/them? If they haven’t that’s fucking cruel, and we should. Justice and freedom for JRod. (Yes, I watch too much History Channel but really wtf about JRod? Is that real and why do we think we get to lock him up? That’s mean to do to something else that doesn’t deserve it. )
So I pray that the bigots out there get touched by the light and turn out to be more like GI Joe. He’s cool and everyone deserves a straight homie like him. I mean, she’s ‘ight. Don’t want him to get a big head. Everyone, including JRod deserve love, kindness, respect, and safety.
I Love You Too GI Joe,
And Free Jrod,
GI Happy Homo
PS And I really wanted to like the new housewife of SLC. Because she does look Latina (even if she’s not) and I love Latina women. (Is that redundant because of hyper sexism? Maybe Latinx makes sense?) Everyone should love Latina women more; they should be appreciated more. AND I appreciate my Mommy, I’m proud of her.
PSS And another thing… I sure was right about not liking that Lame Jane on Ruples. She is awful and ew. As we move forward in America, take a minute to realize that sometimes white people, throughout history and even on Ruples say one thing and do another. “I play fair.” Then they give you smallpox and shit. Or bomb Black Wall Street. Or kill most of your tribe to get your oil money. Or enslave you. Or take away your choice for reproductive rights. Or murder most of your people, make you walk the Trail of Tears, and then rob you of your language and traditions. Or shoot at Mexicans and other refugees crossing the border and say they thought they were shooting at wildlife. Or kill children like Emmet Till… or adults like George Floyd. The ors list keeps going, but we can put a stop to it this election. We will see if Plain Jane continues to live up to the worst part about some white people. The lying and doing something different, not the murdery part. I bet $10 she gives one of the brown girls a blanket with smallpox.
PSSS Barf I bet Rondasantis is going to be traitor trump’s choice for vice president. I don’t believe that Niki Hailey will win the nomination because at the innermost core of Republican value system, is racism, bigotry and white supremacy. Even more so with traitor trump’s followers.
PSSSS I don’t think the republicans are voting for democracy. I think they are voting with the intention to purge America of democracy, free elections, equality, and opportunities. Hunny, Palm Springs feels free and I wish that our country believed in that. Be a GI Joe!
PSX5 So a while back I talked about running to things that you love or that love you. It could be person, place or thing. This is going to be important as we move forward to November. I failed to list that I also run to anything JLo does because it’s always about love and she sparks joy in me.
PSX6 I love GI Joe and I also have love for JRod as another life form. I’ll be happy to host JRod here in Palm Springs if they let him out. Just so long as they don’t act a damn fool like my last roommate did. Just until you get your own place JRod or reunited with your peoples. #justiceforjrod #freejrod
PSX7 Don’t you think that as advanced as they are… that they could just escape if they wanted to? Unless our leadership keeps them wounded or something. Which would be disgusting if they did. JRod, I gotcha back boo. Humans- we need to do better. I think we could elevate the love on this planet if we get everyone a dog.
PSX8 Read Revelations, mmmhmmm… traitor trump sounds more and more like the antichrist with each passing day. Meaning that he would only have 3 ½ years of a reign, followers with sign of the beat on their foreheads (red traitor trump hats) and their hand doing the Hitler sign. He’s evil- remember what Oprah said. The bald eagle was right. But we still have to fight him and win this November. We need to make sure he only had the 3 ½ years.
PSX9 I need to do better with connecting to my Utah friends. And I’ll try. Things are getting good here and I feel more steady. Like my roots are taking starting to get all up in there.
PSX10 JRod I bet GI Joe would be nice to you too. He’s so much nicer and open minded these days.
