What the heck do I know about love? Well, I know how to give it, and I know how to accept it. I’ve learned that love can be disappointing, especially when expectations around trust and reciprocity aren’t met. But that disappointment is mine to own. I’m admittingly a work in progress and actively changing my outlook on a few things.
Love doesn’t always look the way we imagine. For years, I thought maybe it had passed me by? I’d wonder, “Maybe love just isn’t for me in this lifetime?” But I don’t make the rules of the universe. Sometimes love misses good people—people like me, maybe even you. Maybe you’re better at it or recognizing it than I am?
Love isn’t always about sex either. Sure, it can be, and when it is, it can lead to some fun and meaningful friendships. I hope to build some of those here in the desert. I’m nearing the end of a healing journey that has kept me out of the game for a while. But love is still here—in this desert, in many forms.
I’ve said it before, I see it in everyday kindness: at the grocery store, the pharmacy, the doctor’s office, and restaurants. One of my favorite expressions of love is hearing stories from older queer couples who’ve made it this far and to this desert together. When one partner passes, the other is left heartbroken—but love remains. Grief, after all, is just love in another form. (So often widowed seniors just want an opportunity to talk about their beloved. I love to offer that safe space.)
So, the truth is… sometimes after a week of listening to clients and absorbing the chaos of our world caused by a wanna be dick-tator president, I’m spent. I don’t always have the energy for socializing—unless there’s a puppy involved. I cherish my alone time. I fucking love it too much, it’s sacred. I’m terrified that someone is going to ruin it (and believe me some have tried in the past). It’s how I recharge, and it’s also prime puppy time.
I originally wrote this next part last Friday. It’s now Tuesday, and I’m editing with a blistered nose, no silly- not from spilling poppers all over my face, but from a cold and blowing my nose too much. Yes, I’m icky, sicky, and yucky. I’m ridiculously snotty (and I’m not even talking about my attitude). I’ve got a puppy curled up in my lap, the other snoozing nearby.
I’m keeping the story as it was written below AND who knew such a cute little button nose could make so much snot??? Ewe.
Friday Night in the Desert
Tonight, Rhonda Rae, my ancient artifact of a friend, and I went to see Jae Rodriguez- our second time since arriving in the desert. The show was at one of our favorite spots in Cathedral City, a fun and well-lit bar that serves up good food from surrounding restaurants, drinks- duh, and often brings in enter-taint-ment.
I thought the show started at 7, but turns out it was more like 8-ish—classic Rhonda Rae, tell me to get there early cause he knows I run on queer colored people time. Being late out here in the desert is neither fashionable nor desirable, so many things I’m still learning at my age. Ron even convinced me to buy a ticket for one of his caretakers to join us. Yep, that thrifty Jurassic queen somehow got me footing the bill for his help!!! Bah humbug.
Now, keep in mind, we’re usually fed, buzzed, and tucked in by 8 PM. This was a late night for us desert retiree and desert retiree-in-training. But we rallied. I’m living my best 80+ year old senior citizen life – LOL. (But hey, I’m still having fun most of the time.)
And then, something happened.
I saw love. I felt it. I experienced it. I recognized it and I accepted it. It wasn’t flashy or romantic—it was quiet, subtle, and directed at me. I was on my third glass of wine (I know boozy bitch), was vibing with the show and from time to time I’d glance over at Rhonda Rae and then over his left shoulder at a hottie.
I recognized its late for him (and for me). It’s almost 9 PM. I kept looking over at Rhonda Rae, and I could see that bitch was a little tired. I know that old man face and when it’s running out of steam. Her face sometimes speaks volumes.
“Hey bitch, are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” He smiled, nodding toward Jae and the stage.
“Are you sure? We can go if you want.”
“No, I’m having fun. Watch the show.”
I could tell that bitch was fibbin. I knew better. His smile was a mask. He didn’t want to ruin my night. I had caught him looking over at me while I was smiling watching Jae sing his ass right off.
He knew I’d been stressed—between the state of the world, the erosion of our rights, and my own healing process. He wanted me to have fun and enjoy myself. He wanted me to be out and he loves to be out and about too. He often doesn’t like to admit that his age now comes with a vast list of restrictions, now time of day for social outings is one of them. But he tried to last. He was going to push through because he didn’t want to ruin it for me. His quiet sacrifice was his way of loving me.
Over the next 15- 20 minutes, I kept glancing at Rhonda Rae. His posture was sinking, his energy fading. I knew that look—he was running out of steam. But he wouldn’t admit it. He just smiled and said, “I’m fine,” even though his body said otherwise.
So, I did what any selfish hoe would do and I turned right back to that sexy Puerto Rican, Rican singing and enjoyed the show. Okay, that’s not exactly how it went down. I turned back to the show, side-eyed him to check in from time to time, and made a decision.
“Hey Ron. I’m ready to go.”
“What? It’s not over.”
“I’m getting tired. I’m ready to go. Are you ready?”
“Oh good. Okay.”
(He actually argued with me to cover the bill for our food and drinks. Of course I let him. He’s cheap and that doesn’t happen enough.)
No, I wasn’t really tired. I was having fun. That was my way of loving him back. I could’ve stayed, maybe flirted with the cute guy behind him, maybe made a new friend. But Ron came first. Love came first.
And let’s be honest—he’s not exactly light as a feather when he passes out. I wasn’t about to carry him home. That bitch is heavy! So maybe it was love. Maybe it was selfishness. Either way, I left before the show ended, and I was okay with it.
I used to think love had skipped me. That maybe it wasn’t meant for me in this lifetime. But I’ve come to realize that love hasn’t evaded me—it’s just shown up in ways I didn’t expect.
Sometimes, good people are so afraid of being disappointed by love that they miss it entirely. I’ve been guilty of that too. But now, I’m learning to recognize it. To accept it. To let it look different than I imagined.
Love isn’t always grand gestures, perfect timing, or someone my own age. Sometimes, it’s a tired friend staying out late so you can laugh a little longer. Sometimes, it’s leaving early because you know they need rest. Sometimes, it’s grief. Sometimes, it’s a puppy curled up in your lap while you balance hot tea and tissues for your snotty cold.
And sometimes, it’s just being present—for someone else, or for yourself. What’s love got to do…got to do with it? Everything.
With Love (and A Whole Lot of Snot),
The Happy Homo
PS In my downtime I watched CSPAN and caught part of the congressional statements being made by republican party members. Then they made me feel even sicker and I turned off the television. Those spineless and soulless cowards have sold out ALL Americans for their own payday. They’d rather protect pedophiles than victims and blame others for their own failures to uphold the oath of office they swore to.
I couldn’t imagine taking away healthcare, VA services, and food stamps from poor needy people regardless of which side of the aisle they are from. Especially when it’s to give billionaires a tax break. They’ve never paid their fair share of taxes – greed is gross. I just don’t understand how they’ve convinced poor and needy republicans to vote against their own best interests. I guess if you lie to someone so much and instill hate in them for others, they’d rather take away what they get if that means taking it away from people of color. Which is soo super weird, hateful and unchristian.
This congressman then brought up the “No Kings Rally” in a few days. Saying, “It’s because these people hate America.” To him I’d say- finish your fucking sentence you traitor and liar.
Its because we hate trump’s America that takes away from the poor and middle class to give to the rich. We hate trump’s America that violates our US Constitution (especially the emoluments clause) every chance it gets. We hate trump’s America because he stokes fear, racism, and bigotry. We hate his America because he targets education, our very freedoms, and vulnerable citizens. We hate greed and corruption- that’s why we are going to be marching…because we ACTUALLY love America! We the People don’t serve a king. He and his republican friends are the one’s that hate America and are causing all these changes to the rules, attacks on America’s soil, and refuse to stand up to protect our Constitution. That is disgusting. They are disgusting. May God bless these United States of America and keep us(a) safe from tyranny, oppression, and terrorism caused by our own president. WE LOVE America! We hate hypocrites.
PSS I just got a text asking for donations to help feed Federal Workers that are laid off. I don’t ever donate through an unsolicited unknown link sent to me by text. BTW, do you think billionaires are pitching in? I think not, they caused this. They’re golfing and bragging to their friends about this and how everyday Americans are going to be deprived of $, rights, and paychecks (for federal workers). This is a republican shut down. They have put active-duty soldiers in food pantry lines just to feed their families. These republicans should be ashamed of themselves, but I think their greed TRUMPS empathy; which is also disgusting. God help us(a).
PSSS How sad that JLo’s movie didn’t do better the opening weekend at the box office. It really is worth watching in the theater. They did such an amazing job. But who wants to see a movie about Latinos? Or queer stories? Me motha fucka- me!!! Representation matters and Latinos and Queer people and our stories matter!!!! I loved it. I was planning on going to see it a second or third time before I caught this cold.
PSSSS Here are a couple of videos. Jae Rodriguez has an amazing voice. I have a couple more videos but the cold meds are proving to be difficult to navigate electronics and such. Support your Latino and Queer artists!!!
