Love Letter to Jennifer Lopez

Dearest Goddess Jennifer Lopez, Jenny from the Block, JLo and Not My Mama,

Well, if they didn’t know you before, now they do! WOW- you not only set the tempo, you came in and said, “Who questioned my talent?” And then you pissed all over their television sets and all over the top spot. BRAVA bitch, BRAVA! Let them haters smell like your urine. *What’s that smell? *It’s JLo piss all over you hating ass bitches. Cause, you’re in- the top spot and always have been for me.

Okay, I see you more than I have ever before Mrs. Not My Mama. You bore your soul and I see it, I feel it, I appreciate it, and I love it. I have to say that this is my favorite album and my favorite movie that you’ve done (so far) and I was already an uber fan. My girlfriend in Utah, Portia, called me a few weeks ago and was criticizing me for my lack of knowledge of male vocalists. She said, “You know there is more out there than just JLo.”

To her I say, “No. I’m not sure there is.” If there is… I wish them luck but I’m happy where I’m at.

On Thursday night (the early release), I smoked a pre-rolled joint and was sitting there a wee bit stoned listening to the album after watching the movie/musical bad ass rock star experience. I thought, this bitch is speaking to my soul, my experiences, and must be secretly watching me cause that music completely spoke to me and some of my recent experiences here in the desert.

It left me with a girl scout cookie(s) in my hand (and mouth) asking, is she really inside me? Am I a lesbian? Are we connected? Are you inside of me gurrl?

Ew, first I’m not lesbian and am completely allergic to vagina. I get a rash. I am only after the same love that you singing about (like you always have), maybe one of your hair extensions to wear around while I do my client notes, and maybe to brush your hair (if I have to). *secretly hoping I have to.

But to better answer that question – YAAAAS bitch you inside me reeeeal deep gurrrl. Gurrrls don’t usually get up all up in my guys and inside parts like you do, but the appreciation I have for you is totes different. Go where ever you want gurrrl… I’ll close my eyes until you get to my heart, cause again- not a lesbian.

Why do I say that? It’s only cause you are. BARBARA PLEASE! BARBARA Please! I’ve been a fan since “On the 6” and “Selena.” To be honest, you and Oprah were places I would go to fill my cup in my younger years because it was always so empty. Then Oprah went cable and back then I couldn’t afford cable. (I need to reconnect there cause there is love there too. Always has been)

I always tell my clients to look for love and what loves you back. I ask what makes them happy and then may follow up with, “Why aren’t you doing more of what makes you happy?” (More to it than that…) What I’m trying to say is, well you make me happy, always have, and I imagine you always will. I look for your work, because it’s always about love and I need some sort of love to survive. We all do.

Speaking of cups, every time I had any substance in my cup bitches always seem to come and try and knock it out of my hand. Some people can’t stand to see a happy bitch. I on the contrary, love seeing happy bitches.

Most of my years have been hungry years up until recently (I can feel it changing). But these days I come to you, Ruples (RuPaul Drag Race), and Christina Aguilera to fill my cup because instead of bitches knocking the substance out of my cup, I’m sharing the love in my cup with other people. So please, keep doing what you’re doing because it fills me and I get to pour that love into other people and I do.

So, since I’m bearing my soul back to you, you really have always been in me, in my closet (a signed poster from the Vegas tour), and in a big suitcase in my garage. When I had absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, I would hope to have $5-10 left after paying my bills to get the latest magazine that you graced the cover of. I was baaaroooke! Each magazine brightened my day, allowed me to celebrate your successes, and was a piece of hope I needed in that moment. Just like every movie and music video you do- it filled me with hope and love. You always have.

Over 10-15 years ago, in the bedroom that I rented on 13^th East (in SLC) I had an old coffee table and on that old ass- hand me down coffee table was my spread of my JLo magazines. Those were my prized possessions back then and have stayed with me, and gone with me to every home I’ve been in since. There have been a few homes, some filled with heartache, but the magazines always were a symbol of hope and love for me. They remained, still do.

Oh my goodness, I was A MESSY and broken bitch back then, but now I’m a different kinda messy. And I like who I am today. I may still be messy, but messy in love with life (mostly), my animals (I have one of the old puppies, like in your movie, and he has me), honesty, speaking out for what is right (Get right bitches), and in love with most of the people here in Palm Springs. I SAID WHAT I SAID… most of the people. I don’t need to love people who are trying to knock my cup out my hand. I’m not that evolved (yet) and I’m okay with it. Fuck those bitches.

I can hear some of you bitter bitches now, “How pathetic to collect those magazines. Sad.” Well bitter bitches, it was a sad time for me, but each cover gave me hope, inspiration, light and I did what I was supposed to do with that hope and light. It gave me something to look forward to, whether it be a new album or movie from you. I planted seeds of love (from your career) in my heart and those mother fuckers sprouted- so fuck you bitter bitchface! I’ve turned it into a love I can share with people, my animals, and by creating a safe space for myself (for the most part).

Just like so many other little gays finding their way in a scary, big, painful and sometimes not so kind world, I turned to beauty, shiny things, love, and our Pop Icon “Divas” to forget about my own hardships in life. So what? That makes me just like 75% of happy homos out there…. we love our Divas that show us love in some form or another. And just to clarify, because someone is a “diva” doesn’t mean they have to be cruel. That’s hope that we little eager to be happy homos see in you. (I see it in others too.. I also love me some Whitney, Taylor, Gaga, Jennifer Nettles, and Wynonna- AND Ruples. But JLo, you’ve always been the one for me.) I am drawn near to things that put love and kindness in the world.

That hope helped me be “the best version of me” then and now I get to help people be the best versions of themselves now and that’s all I want to do (in so many ways). And I think that’s a fucking awesome goal to have (if I say so myself), although I’m broken (like you), I survived- I’m surviving, I’m healing, and I’m almost thriving. So yes, there was a lot of sadness in my life and looking back at it, I was allowed to exist in what felt like a very small space, but I had my CDs, movies and magazines. And I could be as loud as I wanted in those things.- in my little space. I could be myself in the music and expose my heart while dancing around in my undies to… (as Taylor puts it)… to your sick beats.

I truly think you are the Modern Day or Puerto Rican Marilyn Monroe. So many commonalities. So much beauty. I see your happiness and all I want to do is celebrate it, appreciate it and hope for some of that super bright loving happiness myself. I’m on my way and you are right Mrs. Not My Mama, This is Me Now!

With Genuine Love and Appreciation,

The Happy Homo (Happier now that you released this new music and the movie)

PS Gurrrrrrl you just said fuck you to ALL them bitches that overlooked you, whomever told you no, who put a cap on your potential, or said that you couldn’t. You didn’t wait for them to change their minds, you created your opportunity and it’s beautiful. Applause gurrrrl applause.

PSS The Mad in love with you song… well gurrrl, this homo is in love with you JLo, but not that icky lesbian kinda love (looksies no feelsies unless you do want me to brush your hair). And like -love you as a huge fan but not like that Yolanda Saldivar type fan love either. (Can you believe she is eligible for parole on March 30 of next year? *All the Mexicans- clutching their pearls at the same time*

PSSS I know that many other fans probably looked for similarities in their own lives with your recent (gorgeous) work. Or maybe it was just me, but I thought, gurrrl has a chunky Latino therapist named “Fat Joe”, well I’m a chunky Latino therapist and I guess I could be called “Fat Jose”, which is Spanish for Joe. (I think- My Spanglish is atrocious but I have your Spanish albums too and I sing the shit out of them as well.) Like, he’s a cool brown therapist, I’m a cool brown therapist. He has nerd glasses…. I sometimes need nerd glasses to see. (Our secret)

PSSSS Just like Marilyn, it looks like you also had a man put his hands on you. Well, I too have had that happen. Never again, never ever again. Was that Chris Judd? Ojani Noa? I was trying to figure out who did what. Do men (no matter the generation) act like ass holes over and over again? Ew. How do we stop that cause I didn’t like seeing it in my home either and I certainly didn’t like experiencing it. Are you sharing your “Me Too” moment? Did you have to remind him that you were from the Bronx? I hope you did. “It is what it is.”

PSx5 How freeing that must have felt to share that secret with your kids. It’s not only brave but it instills in them strength to never put up with that type of bull shit abuse. (Welcomed spankings are totes different. There are long gorilla nipples everywhere out here. Do I just do it? Get freaky with my nipples and have big long gorilla nipples like mostly everyone else? Like wtf are they doing that is going to pull a nipple out of it’s socket and hang there like a limp wiener (it’s okay- happens to lots of people. Most of you are older and can’t catch me as fast… and I love that about you. But for limp wieners there are things for that. Unless you really don’t like that person.)

PSx6 The gun part was clearly P Diddy, I think. Hmmm… yup I got one motha fucking guess that was Diddy.

Knock knock?

Who dere?

Diddy did it.

PSx7 I literally thought that I was going to have to fight for my life this summer. I never felt that kind of fear before and I made peace with it. I thought shit I might die. I also thought if I have to fight for my life- I will. I’m gonna go out swinging. Thank the Gods it didn’t go that far and her stank lying ass saw I wasn’t going to be just his average victim. All you broken bitches need to stop hurting other people.

PSx8 Jennifer, your success makes me happy. It brings me joy! Keep going, keep succeeding, keep…keep and keep… cause it keeps filling my motha tuckin cup.

PSx9 Ew Britnay Spear- of course you probably made out with Ben. He’s a big star and it’s Hollywood- duh! And it looks like you make out with everyone anyways…so it’s probably not really a big surprise for everyone. Which is fine, Palm Springs is a very sharing community that way. But you did it, said it in a moment when someone was experiencing extreme happiness and joy. You tried to derail that and that’s gross and mean. Ewwww. I know you are hurt, broken, but you don’t have to hurt other people or ruin other people’s joy to feel better. We know you are hurting. Talk to someone and keep that Britnay Spear to yourself and use it only when you have to, or against the people who actually hurt you… not everyone else.

PSx10 I too am searching for love in all that I see. I also danced in the rain with the hummingbirds recently. I loved your singing in the rain moment/celebration. It was beautiful and a throw back to Get Right and that glorious cane. (See Rhonda Rae, you can rock a cane and not have to feel self-conscious about it.) These Palm Springs hummingbirds also speak to my soul and I love that vibration. It feels sooo good…so happy and sooo not lonely. I love it.

PSx11 I just recently went to Disneyland for the first time (since I was 4- didn’t really remember it). The last couple of days was really 2 days filled with happiness, joy, and fun at Disneyland. Then I came back to your album release- I tell ya, I keep having the best days of my life, so far, over and over again since I’ve been here. Yay, me and Yay- you! Thanks for the early release- it was the cherri pie to my die.

PSx12 LOL, she said I’m going to star in my own movie about my life while I’m still super hot and super talented enough to portray me the right way. This is you…now and I love it.

PSx13 OMG the cameos. Kim Peras, “Yeaaah.” Another #1 with Jane Fonda and so many other brilliant, hilarious moments. LOOOVED IT SO! And Post Malone, I got bangzzz. BAAAANGZ!

PSx14 Girl I’m going to your concert. Goddess willing I will be there!

PSX15 What an awesome and loving husband Ben Affleck is and on full display. (insert applause) He shows up in videos, projects, and I truly see them trying to help each other be the best versions of themselves they can be. That is inspiring to this happy homo. I want someone like that.

PSx16 Ben in, “This is Me…Now”, MEEEOW! “Loving yourself means never having to say I’m lonely. It means oh Rexy that you can go down to the lobby bar and order the oysters and a club soda….and go to bed smiling even though the waitress was as mean as a diabetic honey badger. Because only you can let the love in your heart die and you should never let it die.” I hear you Big Benji Meeeow. Nothing sexier than a supportive partner who celebrates you at every minute and every opportunity. Congratulations on that…. may that live forever.

PSX17 Hey Mariah, looks like she didn’t need you to know her after all. XO

PSx18 That dress…. OMG gaaaaagged.

PSx19 Now I want a Dunkin Donut. Maybe two… depends. I don’t need your judgement right now… I need a donut!

PSx20 Hummingbirds – The video cut off… I said as I walked inside, “So fucking awesome.” Cause its such an amazing experience of trust on both parts. Yes, I know it’s time to go back to the gym. She ready to do the work. Fine.