Oh, my Laaaaawd, what a messy situation I have I allowed my heart to get me into. Rhonda Rae and I haven’t been close for over a month. I’m not sure what the fuck they don’t understand about me starting a new chapter in my life. I’ve said it here in this blog, over and over and she (his daughter) hate reads every single entry. Yet, they keep trying to pull back into their chaos and lies, but why? (Gurl, you don’t want me to be mean to you. I don’t want to be mean to you but if you continue to harass me, I have no choice.)
Besides choices Rhonda Rae’s made don’t make me want to be around him, and I have every right to decide what I do with my voice, my friendships, my blog, and my life. Every attack on me (by her and her husband) directly affects me, my own mental health, and now has caused the end of what was once a dear friendship.
Why am I even talkin about this? Well bitch, its cause his lying ass daughter mailed me a letter and I got it yesterday. Now I highly doubt that it’s the “Thank YOU” card deserved or that check for $45,000 they accused me of taking. Yet, I haven’t decided what to do with it. Do I just stick that unopened letter in the shredder? Or do I open it and see what else that evil cunt has up her fat old lady sleeves?
Tonight, I called Rhonda Rae to tell him about the letter because I was surprised to find it in my mailbox. I was expecting those Peachy Clean fiber gummies that help clean you out fully every day but got this shit instead. I held it in my hand and contemplated just throwing it away at the garbage can next to the mailbox. Then I thought bubbled to myself, I’ll just take it and give it to Ronda to deal with, because I want nothing to do with those people.
I offered it to him on a phone call and he declined. He not only declined but wasn’t the Rhonda Rae I grew to love over the last 4 years. He was calloused, cold and not at all friendly. There was no love in his voice. He told me that I need to stop posting about her in my blog. And I said if she keeps doing evil stuff – that’s cruel and mean to me, of course I’m going to post about it. I have every right to use my FREEDOM of SPEECH, my voice and I’m tired of being silent or asked to be silent against all the evil shit that happens in the world, to me, or my community. He, nor does she get to control my voice, silence it, or tell me how I get to process difficult emotions from evil shit they continue to do to me. I’ve never lied about any of it- Ron knows that and so does she.
I’ve literally seen that old man x1 in the last month and that was when he was in the hospital. I’ve spoken to him like 3 times when he calls. Tonight, I called because I don’t know what to do with this letter. I’m at the point to where I almost want to be mean back to her. Or am I ready to seek representation for harassment, defamation of character, slander, and libel? I’m not sure yet.
What’s even more cruel, in my humble gay opinion, is that in his last phase of life she harasses his friend to the point that it has ruined the friendship. She wants him to have no one but her. Glad she’s finally stepping up to the fucking plate. I can see her inner child is so wounded because her dad left them when she was a kid, because he was gay. Now, she’s made that my problem and I refuse to let it be. She told me everything. There was actually a time that I was friendly to her, even despite her cold demeanor. Then I couldn’t take it anymore and halted that relationship. Remember, she introduced us and asked me to help him out. I do admit, I can see a positive for her in this moment, because she finally gets to say she was picked over a gay man. She gets the dad she’s longed for. (Is that what you needed bitch?) But remember stalker, talking directly to her, he still didn’t want to be in Utah with you and I don’t blame him. You suck as a person. (I question your intentions greatly. You’d think you’d want people to be around your elderly father who care about him more than just a paycheck. You are an odd fat duck.)
This constant repeated harassment makes me not feel like giving my heart to people anymore. If I can’t trust my heart with an 83-year-old gay man, who can I trust? I try to be a nice, kind and a loving human, and this is the thanks I get. I also recognize that this is not a normal situation. My therapist, yes, I now have a therapist, said it’s because I put myself in situations, like befriending an 83-year-old, running for office, getting a creepy roommate from the internet, etc.. Things that people my age don’t usually do.
But the honest to God’s truth is, I’m still glad I met him. He has been a big ban-aid to my own trauma and my adjustment phase of moving here. I was scared to leave my home state but felt I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to be happy. I’m not well traveled and am still figuring out how to navigate all those feelings in a whole new community. I’m recognizing people more and more and it feels like home.
It has been easy to be blind to my own shit (trauma), because I was literally cleaning his from the carpet of his home when he had an accident and couldn’t get to the toilet. Then there was the blood… every time he’d fall and bleed, or have a procedure done… I cleaned up his blood from the carpet. I put his bed together….I even trimmed bushes for him a couple of times, because I cared. I showed kindness. I’m not saying this to get kudos points with anyone, but rather to say, would I fuckin do that if there wasn’t love and a friendship there? Yup, I put myself in a not so normal situation(s), definitely situations someone my age wouldn’t do for free.
There is a story about giving and doing nice kind charitable things but not letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing. The moral is to not brag about doing kind shit because then the intention is questioned and muddled. I even had a client echo something like that in a session this week. The reason why I’m writing about it is because I feel betrayed. But that is something I can deal with. I can do hard things. I am no stranger to the MEANTIMES.
But this is weird… now that we’ve been estranged or that I’ve taken a step back from this friendship for well over a month the harassment still continues. I’ve literally blocked them on every platform, email, and phone number- so she resorts to snail mail. Do I open the letter? I’m certain it’s just another form of harassment.
I can hear this Crazy Karen now:
Her- Dad tell him to stop posting about me in the blog.
Dad- What are you talking about?
Her- Well every time I do something mean and cruel to him he posts about it.
What I’d want to happen but won’t cause it’s clear I was just there to clean up this old white man’s shit:
Dad- Well how about you stop doing mean shit to him? Then he won’t post about the things you do to try and hurt him.
So, with this friendship (or past friendship) being where it currently is, I have a lot of time to and for myself. It’s in that time, I’ve realized that I’m stuck, I’m frozen. He was my safe person, but it’s apparent he isn’t anymore.
What’s also apparent is I’ve got some unresolved trauma to work through. With a clear mind I can honestly say I have some EMDR or Accelerated Resolution Therapy work to do so my body can get out of this current response mode and I can heal. I’m storing some shit in my body and it’s paralyzing. As much as I use this blog as my version of purging my thoughts and feelings…. I’ve got some fine tuning to do with these therapeutic modalities (because they are effective). And I want to heal my whole self- and for the benefit of my own hole.
Another vulnerable and honest moment… I’ve actually got two therapists… one local who gives you the warm safe fuzzies you’d want from a therapist, but he doesn’t do EMDR. The other is not a local but still in CA. He does offer EMDR. In both instances I’ve described my trauma and then said what it feels like, “It feels like I am naked with a boner but I’m wearing cement shoes and can’t move.” I can’t wait to get rid of those shoes.
Every day in PS there’s something edible, suckable, fuckable, and dare I say loveable. If you can’t find it today, just wait 24 hours, because it might be here tomorrow on one of the many arriving flights. BTW, does anyone have a good number for an attorney if I need it?
If I actually cared what his bully daughter had to say I’d have opened the letter right away when I got it. But I should shred it, right?
What’s sad, is after the cold phone call today asking my old friend what he wanted me to do with the letter from his daughter, I decided I don’t want to be in a place or friendship where I no longer feel safe. I followed the call with a text message because I was so offended by him asking me (in so many words) to sit silently and take her harassment as she continues to attack me, my character, and speak lies or an “alternative truth”. No longer will honor his wishes about his ashes when he dies. I know what the last 4 years were and if anyone was taken advantage of, I think it’s me.
So, FUCK you lady and your hubby too. If you hate when I post truthful shit about your mean cruel behavior towards me… then stop doing mean shit to me. You are starting to piss me off. You may not believe it, but I’ve held my tongue out of respect for your father and our friendship, but that’s gone now. So, I suggest you just leave me alone.
I think I’ve decided…I’m going to hold on to the letter until Ronda Rae dies and if the contents have any lies, slander, threats, or continued harassment I will be contacting an attorney. To her – Go fuck yourself.
As far as having a bit of a broken heart about the loss of a friendship and not wanting to put my heart out there anymore. Well, that’s just me processing. I also wanted to delete all of the pictures of us I’ve taken over the last 4 years, but I know I’ll regret it. There will be a time that I want to see them one day. That day is just not today (anymore). But those damn pictures just keep popping up in my phone’s picture memories, UGH.
I hope to put my heart out there more and more. If not my heart, my hard on. Either is fine. That’s what life is about right? About loving people and maybe getting your heart broken every now and again, and again, and again. I just enjoy the loving part so it’s worth it. I love to feel safe- I crave it. Sadly, that is just not there anymore in that friendship.
Hey, we’ve all got broken hearts about someone. Heck, we are all sharing a broken heart moment right now about the state of our country. (If he puts his name on the dollar – the value of the dollar will drop. It’s his curse. Everything he puts his name on or touches– dies.)
Lessons learned… broken hearts are part of life. Post back surgery, it feels like I’m just getting started, reconnecting with my body and I want to love more. I’m going to learn to trust my own body, get unstuck, and have some fun while I can. I can’t wait for the best version of myself. He’s in there…I can feel it. Gay squeal, “EEEEEEEE!”
Cheers to Breaking Some Hearts,
The Happy Homo w/ Cement Shoes
PS I am so excited to go see JLo again. Yes, I bought tickets for two different show dates thinking I would just return or cancel the second one. It was a total ,“just in case” purchase. I just wanted to be sure that I got to see her Vegas Show and my luck trying to get to her concert hasn’t been so great. That changed New Years…. And although it was the best night ever, the next show is not front row. Every JLo Show should be front row if you can afford it. There’s nothing like it.
But heeeeey it’s still the JLo Show and I can’t fucking wait (AGAIN). After deciding to keep the Back Up Plan tickets, I invited a lifelong friend from Utah to celebrate. She just got done kicking cancer’s ass. But unfortunately, her recent labs came back and it wasn’t good. Her cancer has come back. Her doctors advised her not to travel, especially to a venue where there are a lot of people. I pray she kicks that cancer’s ass AGAIN! (YOU CAN do it gurrrl!) If you can please send her positive good healing vibes and prayers- it would be much appreciated. (You don’t have to know someone to send them love and healing vibes. And she is good people.)
So, spur of the moment I asked a guy I met a while ago, a local that also loves JLO, if he wanted to go. So, we’re going. Maybe that’s going to be my new thing??? If I can afford it… taking cute guy to Vegas for a show every now and again. That doesn’t sound terrible. It will at least let me begin to unlace these cement shoes. Exposure therapy can be effective.
PSS So this is so weird to say at the age of 48… I finally love my hair. I’m starting to like what I see in the mirror. My whole life I’ve never loved my hair…in fact I hated it. I had no idea that I actually had cute hair. Yes, I said it- I think I have cute hair.
Growing up poor – this hair has never known or could afford the right products. White Rain, Suave or VO5 just don’t just cut it. Even when I had an afro in my crazy 20s – it was not nourished like it is today. I like having a little bit extra after my bills are paid so that I can afford the expensive as fuck conditioner from Pattern.
Hey Mexicans and Mexican Americans with curly, dry, and nappy hair- this shit if for YOU! It’s like $50 for a big bottle, but worth it if you can splurge on yourself. Use it for in shower conditioner and after shower as the product to set your hair for the day. The way our country is going- not many people are going to be able to splurge on a bottle of $50 conditioner anymore. So, in my late 40s, I’m learning to love my own hair- that’s sooo weird to me! Instead of using chemicals to straighten it- I’m letting it be just as wild as I want to be.
Who knew it just took a black woman to teach me what I needed for this dry as fuck hair? My recommendation is to skip over the other great conditioners (which are all good) and go right to the Intensive Conditioner- that shit makes your hair feel lovely.
Thank you Tracy Ellis Ross for helping my dry af hair. https://patternbeauty.com/products/intensive-conditioner
PSSS I hope you are all going to stand with your fellow citizens on Saturday at your local – NO KINGS PROTEST across our once great nation. We need to take a stand against this corrupt administration that is robbing us(a) blind. That 5 min Sharpie speech- pathetic.
PSSSS I know its early and premature… but I have the tiniest of baby arm muscles starting to form. EEEEEEE, I can’t wait to see and meet the best version of myself in the future. I’ve got the time now and am mostly pain free- it’s time to get snatched. (And getting snatched for me is not like all these hot fuckers here in the desert. I mean, I’d love to look like them, but they’ve been at it for their entire lives. I’ll take tiny baby muscles in comparison and am not afraid to work for them.) I can’t wait to meet me on the other side of all this healing and getting snatched.
PSX5 God bless the United States of America and I pray we survive the most corrupt president in our nation’s history.
PSX6 I have every right to tell my story and Bitch- and you are the villain in it. A pathetic old white lady Karen villain. I might even make a book out of this one day. Who knows? I know what my intentions were. I’m an honest person and I have receipts for everything! Shit this blog is a historical love letter to our friendship. You can’t take that away no matter what you do. And if you don’t stop- I will retaliate with an attorney. You are on notice.
PSX7 Who do you think is going home tonight on Ruples?
