WTF just happened? The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, conversations, and experiences I hope to never have to deal with again. I feel I may have let go of hope a day too soon. I went to the oncologist yesterday and he said, “I told you not to freak out yet. It’s not Polycythemia Vera.” (PV) He handed me a print out of a lab that tested for “JAK2 Mutation Analysis” and it read, “Not Detected.”
I was floored. Ron (aka Rhonda Rae) was with me, yes, he was right there with me for support. How sweet little old cranky bitches can be in the most stressful of times is overwhelming and appreciated. See bitches, I told you to go out and get you an almost 80-year-old friend. 😊 I quickly asked the doctor what were the labs that came up in red and what do they mean. He reviewed them again and said, “Your blood cells are a little bit larger than normal which affects how much blood there is.” He advised me to follow up with my primary care provider and continue to monitor my blood and if there are any increases in the labs to return “as needed.”
“What? So, don’t have cancer?” He replied, “No, we don’t have to blood let you or anything, go out and celebrate.” Wow! I thought, “I have to call my Mommy.” As we left the oncologist office, I called my Mom and sent some messages to a few people who have been prayer warriors on my behalf, to give them an update. “Turns out its not cancer, I just have chunky blood cells. Yea, even my blood cells are chunky.” Sounds like if my blood cells were to wear jeans, they would be the husky kind for thickums. I fluctuate and can say thickums.
Yesterday, was a day of relief. I let go of excess worry and tension and that was exhausting. I came home after a bite to eat and took a long ass nap. I couldn’t do anything other than go to sleep and it was really good sleep.
Before I laid down, I thought about the rollercoaster I had just been on and the song, “Rollercoaster of Love” popped in my head. “Rollercoaster yea ohh oohh oohh.” Now its in your head too, isn’t it? I laid there in thought with my dogs at my side and just replayed the last few weeks in my mind. Gosh, whatever is happening with my chunky blood sure resembles PV and really checks so many of the boxes for it. I’m so glad the second opinion ruled it out. What an easy mistake for a provider to make and that’s why the oncologist did more labs. He wanted to confirm or rule out PV.
Whatever is happening in me that is causing the abnormal labs, I hope to find out how to resolve it. I’ll do whatever the providers tell me I have to do to stick around for a long ass time. The cool thing about this scary process definitely is the hospital experience. I went to the oncologist twice and the first time there were emotional support dogs in the lobby, bedazzled windows in registration, greeters, and a lot of smiling people. It seemed like the providers and the patients were sitting in gratitude or happiness. Like they knew how much of a gift this day really is and the appreciation shown on their faces.
The second time, there was a lady making Valentine’s cards for the patients in the lobby. I also noted the fliers, “Free Reiki treatment“ for cancer patients, and as I was being led down the hall for my appointment I got a glimpse at some people getting an infusion; what I imagine is chemotherapy. For how scary the whole experience is the hospital appears to be one of the least scary places to be. Puppies and chocolate definitely bring down my anxiety.
The reason “Rollercoaster of Love” popped into my mind was because of the ebb and flow of the emotions I’ve had which were countered by the love people shared with me. I’m a pretty gooey person but try not to be if I can help it.
I had a coworker say to me when I was told it was PV, “Well were your desert family now. Whatever you need were here.” That was one of many kind things people said and one of the kindest things I’ve heard in a long, long time. It made me cry. See, I’m gooey. I also realize how handy I am with regards to finding and applying for services. I applied for short term benefits from the State of CA, looked into food stamps in case shit was going to get bad, and sought other programs to help offset costs for everything. All of that was difficult to navigate for me and I have a Master’s degree, am literate, computer literate, and a social worker.
The phone trees were ridiculous. The wait times to talk to someone were insane and discouraging and I think we should do better than that for people in their time of need. They sure don’t make it easy. I was trying to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Very daunting tasks and a full-time job in themselves. I’m so relieved I don’t have to use those services but am happy they are there if I need them in the future.
There are take aways for me, “I’m a thick bitch, I need tempo”, or at least my blood is chunky thick and never give up hope. Those are near the top of the take aways but there are a few more. I realize I parted with hope too soon- can’t do that again. Also, I can’t control everything, and I don’t know everything either and that’s okay. I learned in my toughest moments, I may bend, but I don’t break. I may bend a mother fucking lot, but I don’t break- I pray. I also have a new perspective on Cancer, what people feel when they get that news (or at least what I felt), and that there are good people all around no matter what state I live in. My previous sentiments were confirmed- Palm Springs is my happy place and I don’t want to live anywhere else, not even if I have cancer. And LOVE is what drives me. I want to put out messages about love, acceptance, peace, and joy while I can and as quickly as I can. No sense in holding on to love when it’s supposed to be shared.
Something I realized as I talked to other people who have cancer or had scares is, I never asked, “Why me?” However, I did ask, “Why now? I just got here!” So, it’s not cancer- but it is concerning and something to monitor. It appears to be cancer adjacent or something that could turn. I just needed the information so I could make a plan about it and now I will and I am.
In the meantime, I will live my best life in the best place I’ve ever been, Palm Mother Fucking Springs. Happy to be surrounded by dicks and rainbows all day ‘er day. And happy to let go of all that worry. I’ll pick it up again when the doctor’s tell me too and not a moment sooner.
Ron thank you for coming with me to the Oncologist. Sometimes I forget you are almost 80 and walk a little slower. Thank you for being there for me and thanks to Toni, Shelia, my family and all those who prayed for me. Especially my mom- you deserve happiness lady and I hope you find it in this lifetime. I appreciate all the overwhelming love and hope to return it to you always.
I love this place and I love the people. Now to get back to work.
With Gratitude,
The Really Happy Homo
PS- I didn’t lie about PV- its what I was told I had and needed to see if it needed treatment. The ICD code is used for my referrals and doctor’s visits. I reacted like I think many people would react- I was terrified.
PSS- If you have something going on with your health, your body- go get it looked at. Don’t wait until it gets progressively worse and then turns into something untreatable. I know doctors are scary as fuck sometimes but they are there to help you.
PSSS- We are all temporary. I hope to spend my remaining time here in PS and my actions based in love. Well love, sprinkled with a tad of whorey sauce, on a bed of sodomy and on my toasted Mexican buns.
PSSSS- Dogs are a gift from God Herself.
PSSSSS- The Sun Card is my selected picture for this post. I drew it a couple weeks ago at the Barracks, hence the nakedness. The card portends good fortune, happiness, joy and harmony. It represents the universe coming together and agreeing with your path and aiding forward movement into something greater.
