At this point its no secret, when I arrived in Palm Springs I was pretty traumatized by my experiences in Utah, especially the last few years. As time goes by, I realize just how much it affected me and my daily actions. I was in defense mode and everything and most people were quickly assessed for threats. It had everything to do with my safety, security and ability or preparedness to respond to such threats.
When I entered into this new way of life in Palm Springs I realized just how much I tailored my behaviors, down to the clothes I would buy and wear, because Utah isn’t the most welcoming of places. My first job in the desert was in a clinic that offers mental health services. Early on, about two weeks into the new job an email went out reminding staff members about appropriate work attire. Immediately I thought, “It’s me, hi I’m the problem it’s me.” See I’d slacked off that week and was wearing my comfortable but clean Nike sneakers. I read the dress code policy and sneakers are appropriate for some positions so long as they are nice looking. Did someone think mine weren’t nice enough to wear to work?
I immediately thought I was the problem because I’m used to being the problem. More appropriately, I’m use to people having a problem with me and complaining about me. It’s a shitty feeling to think that just because someone has an issue with you or me it can affect my ability to pay my mortgage, my utilities, and even put food on the table.
I thought crap, crap, crap! This is not a great way to start out on a new job. I looked at the shoes in my closet and they were so used up and not really desert appropriate. I remembered the first weekend I arrived in the desert we shopped on Palm Canyon Drive and there was a store, “British Invasion”, that had loafers for super cheap. Yup, this bitch is used to being on a tight budget and these shoes were not only affordable they were kind of cute. They were perfect for work. I could slide them off if I had a no show or if they got uncomfortable. And I could hurry and slip them on if someone knocked on my office door.
I picked up a pair of each color and even tried on the sparkly ones. I put on the red ones and thought, “How fucking cute! I want ‘em. What in my closet do I have that’s red? What could I fucking wear with these that is appropriate for an office?” I then tried on the sparkly black ones. I remember thinking how weird that it is that I’m trying on sparkly loafers for work shoes. See, I would have never worn any of these to work in Utah, except for the white ones.
Its not that I wouldn’t like them if I lived in Utah, its that if wore them to work there it would just draw negative attention. I’m so gay AF that I don’t pass for anything CIS or that resembles or comes close to being mistaken for hetero; despite dressing to appease the hetero world there. I don’t know if “appease” is the right word for it but I didn’t want to give people any more reasons to fuck with me than the ones I didn’t have the power to change about myself. The battles were going to happen whether I liked it or not, but I didn’t have to give them ammunition to attack me. In a state like Utah, if you don’t conform somewhat the opportunities or jobs remain just out of reach.
On the hair flip side of things, I also didn’t want to lose my temper if they fucked with me. Sometimes it’s hard to not clap back (in a world that constantly claps at you). There’s a mean girl in me and I don’t want to let her out unless its absolutely necessary. She’s mean and I don’t like to be that person, but she was created for a reason. Many of us have an inner bitch because we’ve had to protect ourselves in a heteronormative world that isn’t always kind or accepting of us.
I’ve learned a long time ago to put her away unless she’s absolutely needed. I’ve had some clients come in that don’t know how to put their inner bitch away and through therapy have made significant improvements. The shields and knives (words and actions) that keep us safe also keep us from love, friendships, and happiness. Is your inner bitch on or is she put away?
It can be hard to go from defense mode to safe mode without any tools or someone telling you it’s safe to put the shields down. Sometimes it feels unnatural because we’ve had to protect ourselves for so long. But here in the desert, its safe for the most part, so far.
Just look what’s happening in Tennessee and across our country. We’re being attacked and lawmakers are waging wars against our community. They are making it illegal to do drag in front kids. That means no queens on floats at Pride or there could be jail time and hefty fines to pay. SB0003/HB 0009, “Obscenity and Pornography – As introduced, creates an offense for a person who engages in an adult cabaret performance on public property or in a location where the adult cabaret performance could be viewed by a person who is not an adult. – Amends TCA Title 7, Chapter 51, Part 14.” https://wapp.capitol.tn.gov/apps/BillInfo/default.aspx?BillNumber=SB0003&GA=113
This is one of many bills. Utah is amongst the states targeting our community with anti-trans bills. Utah, yup the land of Christian or Mormon “love and acceptance” is attacking our children and the Governor recently signed a bill making it the law of the land there. They are preventing children from getting the necessary treatment and medications that allow a child to live their most full and authentic life. “Gender-affirming care for transgender youth is now banned in Utah after a law passed there in late January. It prohibits young people from getting a range of treatments, from puberty blockers to gender-affirming surgeries for people under the age of 18. Some patients who had been diagnosed for treatment prior to the ban can continue to get treatment. There are over 306 similar bills introduced by state lawmakers over the past two years.” https://www.npr.org/2023/02/11/1156306026/utahs-new-law-bans-gender-affirming-care-for-transgender-youth What does for their LGBTQ suicide rate? Time will tell but I know its not good. They, along with the Governor will have blood on their hands; all because of hate and bigotry. I’m so glad I don’t live there anymore. People who don’t understand Gender Dysphoria have no business making laws about how it is treated. That’s between a doctor, a patient and their parent.
If you don’t think this affects you as member of our community, you are wrong. It doesn’t stop in these states. These law makers run for federal office, they run for President of the United States of America, they run for Congress and can make laws on national level. It’ll affect you then. People also see these messages and are quick to attack our community with hate filled rhetoric or worse target the places we patron. The children of today could be the future residents of Palm Springs.
We have to encourage our families and friends to vote for the D… no not the dick but we all love dat big D. I’m referring to democrat or even independent. If they have love for you as a LGBTQ member of their family or friend circle, that’s how they would or should vote. I wish that was always the case.
Turns out that email at work wasn’t intended for me. It was for another person who didn’t fit into a box that someone had created for her. It had nothing to do with my sneakers. I was just used to being the problem that I tried to remedy it and take away their ammunition before it got bad and affected my ability to pay my bills. I got some cute cheap shoes out of my assumptions, and I really did need work shoes. So it was kind of a win for me.
As I transition from my what’s appropriate in Utah brain to my what’s appropriate in Palm Springs brain, I find more and more that I did things to prevent potential problems instead of what makes me happy. That’s not a great way to live and it doesn’t foster joy. I was also at a local grocery store, I think it was Ralphs, and there on an isle end cap were some cute pink and red unicorn socks next to a pair of baby blue socks with gay ass rainbows on them. I hurriedly put them in my cart and was excited to try them on as I thought they would go great with my new shoes. I wouldn’t have even worn the socks to work in Utah.
I’ve found so many things in the desert. I’ve found queer joy, found an opportunity to redefine my sexuality/sensuality, I found booty shorts and tank tops and I found my ruby red slip ons. If anyone can point me to the yellow brick road I’d like to see if its made out of gold. If it is, I only need a couple of bricks to make a matching crown that I won’t be able to wear in TN for fear of being mistaken for a drag queen and potentially being arrested. In truth, I worry about the state of the country and the state of our LGBTQ youth. They don’t need more barriers. They need more love and acceptance. We need each other more in these tough times. They need us more in these tough times.
With Queer Joy and Red Shoes,
The Happy Homo
