So, I may have mentioned before that I suffer from chronic lower back pain. That is in addition to my bleeding social worker heart being worn on my sleeve. All are painful- but sis (or cis for my straight friends) this back/sciatic/shooting down my leg pain has been a little fucking nuts and out of control lately. It has me crying some days, screaming some days, crawling on the floor some days, and completely out of my mind most days. It’s been terrible and ever so limiting.
I recently had an epidural, yes similar to the ones like a preggers woman would have giving birth. Where they shove a needle in your spine and inject you full of shit that numbs your problem areas (and steroids to help with inflammation etc.). I had some pretty decent results and there were about three weeks’ worth of decreased pain. There was one week where there was none at all.
So yeah, the results were pretty awesome, only it wasn’t lasting. This wasn’t my first epidural for pain either, historically they usually last longer than three weeks. Not only did it not last, but OMFG that pain had the nerve to come back even worse than before. Yea, I’m like literally on my own mother fuckin nerves right now and I hate it.
My pain level is the highest it’s been in a while- its about an 8. It impacts my everyday life, my ability to even type this whiny blog post, affects my ability to work, and participate in friendships or relationships. It ruins everything!!!!
I’ve lived in pain since I was 18 years old. The first time, I recall it like it was yesterday, I was lifting weights and suddenly, I was laying on the ground from a standing upright position. I laid there for some time and eventually crawled to the closest sofa. I remember the first MRI’s results indicated a 2 mm disc herniation in my L5. Well, this 2 mm was immobilizing, debilitating, and downright nasty pain that I’d never felt before. It was the worst and affected everything I did.
The worst thing about pain it is having to ask other people for help provide relief, like doctors. Doctors, who like other human beings come with their own set of biases, preconceived notions, and beliefs (or dare I say prejudices). Throughout my brown gay existence I’ve often felt like my pain was never as urgent or real as anyone else’s. I was often made to feel like I was just making it all up to get drugs, or to get out of work, or something nefarious like gay brown people must do.
Like I was just another dramatic gay guy doing a song and dance for pain pill that in most cases doesn’t even provide enough relief to exist in peace. I wonder if all brown gay pretty men or pretty gay brown men and black women have that in common. We are ignored at such a high rate that only leads me to a fair conclusion that the helpers either don’t care about our pain, don’t believe us(a) as we describe it, or dare I say they want to see us(a) hurt even more before they do anything about it.
“Black women in the US experience a significantly higher maternal mortality rate compared to white women. This disparity exists even after adjusting for factors like insurance type, income, and other societal factors.”
‘Maternal in-hospital mortality during the delivery hospitalization among Black patients is more than double that of White patients.’
The other day I found myself trying to explain my pain to client, “It’s like having two conversations at the same time. And just when you feel like you are listening to one conversation and grasping the concept of it, the other conversation starts to scream at you louder. So loud that it drowns out the other conversation, and any other conversation you are trying to have.”
I was telling my mom about the pain the other day and just like any good mom would say she responded with, “If I could take away the pain from you and give it to me I would. Or if I could do something to make it stop I would.”
Which leads me to the next subject, mommas in America and their response to their children hurting, being hurt, or threats of being hurt in the future. Momma Bears, Momma Dragons, Momma Badgers, and Momma Lions just to name a few, all respond the same with regards to their offspring, they speak with action. They spring into action and bite, devour, tear apart, and destroy anything that is trying to hurt their babies.
Oh, I almost forgot about the Momma Mooses, or is it Momma Meeses? Whatever the plural for a Momma Moose is, that is what I’m aiming for. They kick, ram, pummel, crush, trample, or bulldoze over the perceived threats to their babies. They like so many moms want their babies to live a happy, healthy, protected life, with enough food and clean water to drink.
I think my momma is sweet for wanting to take away my pain, but OMG, I don’t want to give it to her. I just want it to go away. But alas, it’s here and I’m feeling every zap, twinge, and stabbing throb on my nerves. The level of pain and the distress it causes and how much it impedes in my daily life’s functions has always been something I navigate my life around. I shouldn’t have to, no one should.
In my life, I’ve grown to be able to bear and live with pain (up to a level 6). Which is absolutely fucking insane; again – no one should. Would rich white people be forced to live with that pain for that long? Would they have had to beg for surgery over and over again throughout the years? (29 years to be exact… I’ve lived with this pain for 29 fucking years.)
Would they have gotten the green light for back surgery to repair a herniated disc at the 2 mm mark? The 5 mm mark? Would they have been told like I was so many times, “It’s not bad enough for surgery…” Now I have a 10 mm herniated disc and finally providers are responding like they should have at the 2- or 5-mm mark. Because the pain and disruption to every life domain have always felt the same, intolerable.
It’s funny or sad, I haven’t quite decided yet, to watch a doctor’s face when you ask for stronger meds change from the skeptical “there’s a lying drug addict brown gay guy in front of me” to “OMFG that’s pretty bad let’s order you some pain medication” when they review my MRI.
Who the fuck makes these decisions on when MYYYY back pain is bad enough for surgery? Is it the doctors? Or are doctor’s decisions being made or influenced by insurance companies? Because 2, 5 and 10 mm herniations are all terrible to live with and have all left me on the ground in tears.
I don’t want some greed-driven insurance company to make decisions on when my life has been disrupted enough by pain to finally get back surgery. Do you think they’d live with pain like that? Insurance companies and their insatiable lust for profits for their shareholders should never have been the decision makers for MYYYY life. It’s disgusting, it’s disturbing and it’s painful.
There have always been different rules for them and us(a). They literally profit from our pain and suffering. Do we have to continue to let them?
The animal kingdom acts immediately when someone or something is causing their offspring pain and suffering. Shoot, they even respond to the slightest risk, potential, or threat of danger to their offspring.
When, if ever, do you think the women of America are going finally see or recognize their own power? Do you think they recognize the danger their own offspring is in right now? When will all the Moms, Mommies, the Mothas, Madres, and future moms (of all ages, races, ethnicities, and religions) see they all have a vested interest in responding to the clear and present danger that is in our White House. Don’t they realize their own children’s futures are impacted by the corruption, lies, and robbing of our treasury? And if they don’t respond or intervene like nature would immediately, their blood line, their offspring, their children and grandchildren are going to suffer. All of our fates hang in the balance.
It may be a little bit different than my back pain suffering, but they will suffer lifelong too. The world will cease to remain a safe place for women and girls, minorities, and anyone who doesn’t bow a knee to corruption, lies and dishonesty. We are all at risk for losing our freedoms, rights, and lives. Does your mom realize it?
No one else is coming to save us(a). When will the mothers wake the fuck up and come to the rescues of their offspring? Will they ever come to save us(a)? Will anyone or anything come to save us(a)? Bueller?
Back pain sucks. What is happening in our country sucks. If the mommies don’t do something about it right the fuck now, it won’t just be me or Black women who suffer, it will be all of us(a).
God Bless Our Moms,
The (Trying to Remain) Happy Homo
PS Everything that comes out of their mouths is a lie. It’s so sad that our country has come to this. Where is our Justice League? Every day is a fucking nightmare with them. We are all at risk.
PSS Have you all tuned into The MEIDASTOUCH Podcast? You should. They are saying that Americans who give a shit about democracy and freedom need to start showing up at the homes of their stagnate representatives. They say that we have to take the fight for our freedoms to the offices and homes of the republican senators and congressmen. I don’t see any other way that has worked so far. What do you think? I’d love to know what to do.
PSSS Prayer worriers… I ask that you pray for my friend TA in Utah. She’s a black woman who went to a few hospitals and clinics before they looked deep enough to find that she was sick with cancer. If you can pray for strength, healing, and that she and that the chemo kick that Leukemia’s ass and she be able to return to being a good black American mom who protects her children and is cancer free.
PSSSS God bless America, truth, and may we always stand against corruption.
PSX5 oversharing…. I know this is a big overshare. But why not? We are in some perilous times right now. If we don’t humanize ourselves and create deeper connections and trust with each other, then we are fucked; and not in a good way.
PSX6 I can’t wait to get fucked post surgery. MMmmmmm… to get dicked down without having to worry about any back pain. That is one of my many American dreams. I can’t even imagine being touched right now because of pain.
PSX7 Now you’ve seen inside me…that’s a pic of my herniated disc. Now it’s my turn to look inside you. Open wide. Gobble gobble.
PSX8 I don’t think I would have made it this far in life without weed. It has been a life changer /life saver for my chronic pain.
PSX9 When things are so painful and crazy for me, I do what has saved me and gotten me to this point in my life…
I Jesus, JLo, work, pray, and puppy. Correction, Jesus, JLo, work, prayer/meditation, puppies and weed.
Movie of the night:
PSX10 Sometimes I day dream about what my life would have been like if I would have been given the green light for surgery sooner? Like when it was a 2? or a 5? What would a life without 30 years of pain been like? Would I be a different person? Would I have even made it to Palm Motha’ Fuckin Springs? I’m glad I did.
