Everything’s Fine

Everything fine, I still feel weird.  Same soft weed buzz, same ol’ glow… but I think I’m the last one to realize that it’s been there all along.  In fact, it might not be just the “same ol’ glow.” It might be better, brighter and glow-ier than it’s ever been.   

This has been a year of change for me. Jan 13^th is the first day I met my trainer. Looking back, that marked the beginning of something much bigger than a fitness journey, it was also a mental health journey too. It was the day I started investing in myself again. Gym and therapy.   It was the day I stopped waiting for happiness to somehow stumble into the safety of my home. I went out to find some for myself and started chasing it.

 I’m grateful for him (my trainer) and grateful for people who have patience to teach beginners like me. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I imagine that it isn’t always easy for them. I’m glad I’m at a point in my life that I can occasionally afford a trainer. That hasn’t always been the case. And yes, she may be a little cray cray sometimes, but usually in the best way possible -HA!  There’s a weird comfort there for me, I don’t know why but it works for me (for now).

For more than 6 months I’ve been dedicating time out of my day for myself… well really it accelerated about 4 months ago (that’s about the time my significant friendship with Rhonda Rae came to an end).  After that- I had no excuses left to not to fully invest in myself, my body, my mental health and happiness; especially now that my body is fucking letting me.  

Everything fine, I still feel weird because of what’s looking back at me in the mirror these days.  Sometimes I can’t believe my own brown Mexican eyes- I’VE GOT BABY MUSCLES!  Tiny, sure but they are there. I see them. They flex, they move, there’s a couple new veins in my arm and where my future chesticles will be built… and dare I say it-  they are kinda hot. Am I fuckin turning hot???   I think some of you guys are noticing too and I’m glad.  I’ve lost over 15 lbs. and I feel good.  I’ve literally seen my body change from something I constantly battled with and that I didn’t love into something I am learning to appreciate.  Yes, you heard me right I didn’t love my body before. How could you love something that fights you morning, noon and night?  I hope that fight with my own body is over for good. Pain suuucks!

I don’t feel bad, I just don’t feel right– just yet. I’ve got some abs to get, and some muscle mass to increase, chesticles to obtain, but I’m fucking enjoying this more than I ever thought possible.  (*Oprea Glasses* Can’t wait to see how this turns out.)

As I reflect on my life, I struggle to compare this feeling to anything else I’ve experienced, I come up short. (Not a short joke-but you turned it into one- didn’t you? You bitch.)  In this life, in my 20s, I’ve been “cute” and “pretty.” But muscley hot? Never.

That realization forced me to think about the version of myself I’d lost somewhere along the way. Where is that fun bitch?  I feel like I’m finding him again, at least I hope I’m on that path.  I even had some feelings of nostalgia as I remembered the popular fun bar everyone who was anyone would go to. There was always a line down the street, and me (18-20 years old) and my friends would walk right to the front of the line with the fake IDs they gave us and make our way in for free. And the drinks and cocaine… well they used to flow back then but I realized that at the end of the day, those things didn’t make me happy. If anything, it made some things worse and somethings more fun. LOL – no I’m not condoning drug use.

Now I know there’s going to be so many rude bitches that are just itching to call me out and say, “You’re not hot bitch!”  Well, maybe you’re right.  Perhaps I just mean, hot for little ol’ me. Maybe I just mean hot for Palm Springs? It’s the best I can do for now but I’m working on it and I’m fuckin determined!   And to be honest, I’m not sure I care if haters are feeling me, because I am totes feeling myself these days. (For the first time in a long time it feels good.  Taking care of myself like I should. )

It’s strange because I can hear the voices of so many different queer clients bouncing around in my head.  Some Palm Springs peeps have mentioned how they “don’t love gym rats” and that they are completely vapid, self-centered, or can’t see past their own reflection in the mirror. Or that they are mean, judgmental or shallow.  But soooo are a lot of other homos out in the world and making those statements, doesn’t that mean you are judgmental too?  (And to be honest …. They aren’t just judgmental… some of them are hot, some of them are nice people that I hope to bone one day. Okay, kidding sort of- not everyone is judgmental. There are nice people in this world if we are open to it.  Kindness is so much hotter than abs anyway.)

I have to admit, I’ve been bitten by the gym bug right on my light skinned fanny.  It makes me feel good. I get to turn all of the hate and frustrations this world has shown me or the years of cunty bitches I had to kindly put up with (to pay my mortgage) into sweat and baby muscle. Which inadvertently hits my dopamine production button. I love it when they hit that button.   So, their hate adds to my shine, it feeds it. *Gobble gobble bitches*  But you know what else does? Love… and kindness…I’d rather love and kindness any day. But I’ll eat your hate and turn it into something great, just you watch.  

There is something about the feeling I get when I look in the mirror, and I don’t completely hate what’s looking back at me. In fact, I’m totally digging it. Of course, there are things I’d still change, but its finally working for me and not against me.  I also realize how much life has been “life-ing” at me and other people’s hate have caused me to shut down and that’s intentional on my part…. That’s so I don’t do something stupid that I can’t take back.  (TBH, I’d rather save that kinda response for the Nazis, wouldn’t you?)

This is turning out to be fuckin cool and a happy homo year after all.  Oh, I’m fucking again.  Getting back in the swing of things. I need lots of practice, if you know anyone – let me know.   I’m going out more. I’m going to pool parties. I’m open to meeting new people.  I’ve got some new friends, and I feel safe for the first time in a long time. 

It’s been a much needed rediscovery of myself. I’ve been having so much more fun these days and it’s nice to air out those parts of me that have gone unused; soooo nice.  So much of whom I was in my own youth has been asleep, missing or turned off in my current life.  I forget sometimes that I was or am kind of a bad ass. I’ve got awards, degrees, life long friendships and love in my heart. I co-hosted an amateur strip show night at a bar (a Utah strip show) when I was 20 years old. I’ve hosted events and fundraisers for causes I can relate to and matter to my heart.  I have forgotten just how awesome I am-  LOL. Other people have helped me forget how awesome I am too. This experience has been a good reminder of who I was and maybe who I’ve always been. I just forgot. He’s still in there.  Did you forget how awesome you are?

For years, I treated my professional life and my personal life as completely separate people. One version showed up to work, paid the bills, and handled responsibilities. The other version—the playful, a little cray cray, adventurous, slightly to moderate chaotic version—stayed locked away. For some reason I didn’t think they could exist together at the same time.  Probably because I remember how messy I could be and how hard it is to stay housed, feed yourself and your pets if you don’t fuckin work.  I love having a home more than I like being messy.  I struggle with Catholic guilt, and I don’t want to show up for my clients messy.   Turns out both versions belong here together and I’m figuring it out.

Although it is fun to be messy at times …  I have to have priorities. No one is coming to save me. No one is paying my bills. I don’t have someone to depend on financially if shit goes south. It’s me. So, I have to save myself by showing up.   I’ve done it most of my life.   Besides, without my clients or work- I have nothing to supplement my income. I don’t have options like many other people do.

That’s why getting a degree, then going to work in “professional” settings and being met with hate, harassment and disrespect was alarming to me.  I get it existed before the degree, but after?  

I’m like, “You cunts. I’m just trying to pay my mother fuckin mortgage. Leave me the fuck alone!”   “I am not doing anything to you bitches. Just trying to work here.. wtf is your problem?”    When the other part of me remained snug buried deep down inside, in a box but scratched the walls to come out.  I refrained.  Part of showing up for myself in these settings was keeping that bitch in the box on lock, until I had enough.  And you’ll know when I’ve had enough.

Looksie, I don’t want to fight or defend myself out here in the world- but I will if I have to. And I hope you will too, if we have to! Fuck bullies… even at the highest level of office or court in this country. FUCK BULLIES! Let their hate fuel your own shine.  And they gotz a lot of hate- so were all gonna be “Blind a Bitch- Shiny.” BTW, have you decided?  Decided what you are going to do if they come for us(a)? our community? Our trans family?  Do you fight? Or do you walk into the concentration camps willingly?  I vote we all fuckin fight Nazis, if we have to.  I can’t think of more attractive, beautiful, and loving people that I’d like to fight evil next to- again, if We the People end up having to. Babies that will grow up to be gay and the yet to be born queer youth of the future are depending on YOU, me, they/them, and us(a) to protect their freedoms; if we have to.

In my rediscovery of self without the chronic pain and dealing with my trauma (both equally important to where I am today), I remembered that I’m usually a mother fuckin joy to be around.  I am actually a lot of fun when my walls come down.

Know what? I forgot how much I enjoyed the dance floor and just being stupid and silly.  I also forgot that I can sorta command a dance floor if I want to. If I turn it on others enjoy watching me have fun. People still love watching other people have a good time- I love that.  Granted, I’m dancing half naked and in the best shape of my life, but they are watching little ol’ me, that looks 35 but  is almost 50- let loose. I’m having fun again.

They say, “Enjoy this,” I just nod
I know it’s good, I swear to God
I’m not ungrateful, not confused
Just a little numb, a little loose

I thought I lost it… I thought it was gone and my turn had long passed me by.

I’ve been many things in this lifetime. Not all good things either… I admit it. I’m a human being that is trying to do better er’day. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. But I get back up the next fuckin day and try again, and again, and again. One of these days, I’ll GET Right.

Everything fine, I still feel weird and I highly suggest you get weird too. There’s nothing wrong with weird. BTW, did you download the new JLo Song and rock out with your cock out? or clam out… whatevs. You should.

I’m having a great time for the first time in a long time and JLo puts out new music. Homo winning. I encourage you to not just live day by day in routine but spend time doing what makes you happy. I know when you don’t have money, that’s hard.

For me, I realize I can find happy now by expelling all my frustrations at the gym and maybe I’m a future gym rat? or at least a baby mouse? All I know is I’m enjoying my own body more.  The problem of today is trying to manage it all. 

Work… gym…. Puppies… dancing… fucking…. pool party… new friends… when do I sleep?  When do I power down?

I don’t chase joy, I let it pass
Hope it hit later, hope it last

Oh, I guess I should also add… I am fond of marriage.  Most of you hot mother fuckers out here are already married.  AND in fact, “Palm Springs Married” seems to be working pretty well for me right now and I’m not even married.  I’m quite enjoying your husbands with the understanding that I get to return them. I’ve been out of practice for a while and practice makes perfect… so let’s practice?

The other day I was at Dicks and a guy looked me right in the eye after we were introduced.  He said, “Just so you know, MYYY husband is not available.”  I choked on my drink I’d just slurped down and almost spit it out. I held my lips together tightly to not waste the liquor or even worse let some bitchy rebuttal slip out.  Like, “Calm down, he’s not on the menu.”

I had no idea where that came from- I just barley started fucking again and I haven’t racked up that many husbands, yet. 

I had to walk away with a smile on my face to process and chuckle.  But believe me, I don’t want anything that is not shared with me willingly. I don’t covet or steal and that includes husbands.  (Don’t ask Gino about my past nicknames. We all have pasts. We all have a Gino in the group somewhere too. More about him later.) 

I want no problems with anyone’s husband(s) but if you are up for fun… well I might just be that guy until I find my own.   (At least until I find a single guy or maybe two- with a job(s) and a good heart(s).)  I’m more open to loving freely than I think I ever have been. I’m dripping with love or at least I was a few minutes ago.

For the first time in a long time… Everything’s Fine and I still feel weird.

 *Grabs Dick* Just this feeling,

The Happy Homo

PS  JLo’s new song, “Everything’s Fine” 

PSS  Google done said, “Jennifer Lopez refers to her current period of independence and self-discovery as her “happy era.”  Me too boo…  me too!  It sure is proving to be so far.   It’s my  “Happier Homo Era.”

PSSS  Working out and getting into therapy have been life changing for me. I’m gonna let my little light shine as long and as bright as it can. What are you doing to improve your own mental health?

PSSSS  I am very excited to try a few other trainers too. That’s in my future. I’d like to get to know my community better.  😉