The Winning Loser

I’ll be honest—I don’t love losing.

Actually… I really don’t love losing. If I’m being extra honest, there’s a part of me that thinks things need to be just right—almost perfect—for me to fully enjoy life. You know, like I need to be “winning” in order to feel good. That doesn’t mean I didn’t find peace and love in the smallest of places, like birds and dogs and Jesus and JLo.

Here’s my reality check: I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. Nobody is. And life? Life will absolutely humble you into understanding that.

Life has a way of stopping you, forcing you to sit the fuck down, and have a very real conversation with yourself:
“What am I willing to accept? And what am I not?” “What is negotiable, nonnegotiable and what won’t I tolerate?”

Because the truth is—you do have power. You can say: “This is unacceptable. I’m not tolerating this anymore.” Or… you adjust your whole life. You work around things. You avoid certain situations. You learn how to live with stuff you didn’t ask for.

And sometimes, that “shit” or the “meantimes” that are completely out of your control.

Like chronic pain. Like a messed-up back. Like discs that decide to ruin every movement you make, how you sleep, how you fuck, how you work, how you literally exist in your own body and your ability to put and keep a roof over your own head.

Physical pain fucking sucks- it’s exhausting. But so are emotional pain and trauma.

And gurrrl, you know I’ve had those “what if” thoughts more times than I care to admit.

What if that first doctor had listened to me? What if I’d gotten surgery sooner? What if I didn’t have to lose so many years to pain? What would my life look like now? Who would I be now?

It’s a dangerous rabbit hole to go into—but also a very human one. MMmm… yum I said hole.

At the same time, something kind of unexpected has been happening lately. The universe—or whatever you call it—has been sending me reminders of the good things I’ve done in my life. Old friends reaching out. People from my past saying kind things. Even former DCFS clients popping up with messages that made me stop and go, “Wait… did I actually make a difference?” Yes, bitch I did. I can see it now. And wow, did I need that reminder.

I just watched JLo’s new movie, “Office Romance.” It’s the fuckin best, the cutest, and adorable– all in one. I’ll be watching it a third, fourth… fifth… well you get it- I love it. In that movie she talks about something shitty that happened to her and says something along the lines of, “It happened and I went into my shell.” Well, I can relate to that sentiment. I’ve been in my shell for 4 years.

Not just cause I’m a crab…. no I don’t have crabs (yet), I said I’m A CRAB. That’s my astrological sign. We’ve got a shells, pinchers, and we love our homes and our people deeply.

(Google done said: the Crab represents Cancer- best qualities- deep emotional intelligence, fierce loyalty, and strong nurturing instincts. Ruled by the Moon, Crabs are highly intuitive and create safe, welcoming spaces for their loved ones. ”

When life hits hard, I pull back. I protect myself. I sit with it until I’m ready to come back out. And maybe that’s not weakness. Maybe that’s just… how I survive? Maybe I’ve been watching my surroundings to see who the good people are out here?

So yeah… something bad happened. Actually, not just one thing—more like a series of terrible moments involving a couple of shitty people that really shook me and my sense of safety.

Those two people who starred in my meantimes after I arrived here altered my life for 4 years. I went into my shell. I’m coming out of it now. I even felt confident enough to take precautions and file for a protective order against that DAP bully I’ve mentioned before. He sure loves to come closer and closer to me in public settings- knowing how much he’s done to me, gotten away with, and subjected me to. I hate that fucker. I want him nowhere near me.

So, I decided to try and protect myself from future abuse and situations where he can push my buttons, make me feel unsafe, or compromised; like I said, I tried to file a restraining order.

I submitted my evidence. I submitted DAP emails about his firing for bullying, pictures of my alarm system being disarmed, the doubling of a face on top of mine in the “familiar face” setting of the alarm and a screen shot of the hacking of my phone.

Oh, let me backtrack just a little bit. First things first- THAT JUDGE WAS FUCKIN HOOOOOOT! Yummy, yum yum. I could live under that robe. 😉 I would like to enter into his CHAMBERS, provide him my briefs, and side bar, front bar, back bar- where eva he wanted to do it- at any bar – I would.

I digress, so what happened next? Well, I got to address my harasser/abuser. I had the chance to give him a verbal tongue lashing, and the bitch had to sit there and take it (within reason of course cause we were in front of the court). It was the best feeling EVA! I hope every person who has been a victim of a bully gets to face their abuser. Equally, I hope you get the chance to tell that bully exactly how you feel about them. I hope you get to tell them to FUCK OFF – in so many creative and courtroom appropriate words. I hope it was as helpful to you like it was for me….closing a chapter and walking into a new one. Its freeing.

In a strange way this was healing. It was healing to hear this keyboard coward and devil in the shadows admit that he did do terrible stuff to me. He claimed it was simple, “office rivalry.” Which is such bullshit! I wasn’t even in CA when he started trying to destroy me and take my chance to work and thrive in Palm Springs. If I thought we were rivals- he would have known. I thought he was a pest.. a nuisance in my new world. Like ewe. We are rivals now.

I’ve included in this post the letter I read out loud to the court and the hot judge. I opened with the statement, “I just want to be clear this person has many thinking errors. Why would you stalk someone on Facebook, see this person has a gun and that they aren’t a terrible shot and then want to pick on that person? And then continue to pick on that person for years? It doesn’t sound smart to me.”

He denied the Facebook stalking but then walked it back, like the snake he is. He admitted, “I did say you don’t belong here.” It was a reference to me being hired at DAP years ago, but it kinda felt like he was saying I don’t belong here- in Palm Springs now. Yeah, he’s gross. He literally showed other clinicians pictures of me celebrating at a gun range as I hit a bulls eye.

Something I didn’t get to say in court about me belonging here was, FUUUUCK YOU! YOU don’t get to decide anything for me. Stop being stupid you cunt- don’t pick on people with guns. (Cunt is not a bad word in Britan- watch the JLo movie and you’ll understand. But for the purposes of this blog- he is the worst kind of cunt imaginable.)

I also got to ask him, “Why would someone smear feces by hand all over my comforter and put your porn on loop on my computer?” He didn’t answer but denied any involvement, and my thought bubbles were in overdrive, “Yeah right.” He also denied that the overlay of the security camera’s “familiar faces” wasn’t his face over mine. Another big thought bubble, “YA RIGHT.” That’s his big old disgusting nose, face, and neck rolls. HE knows it and I know it.

The safety and security of my home was compromised. I finally had my day in court with this disturbed evil villain. (I looked over at him and he literally looks like what you’d imagine a bad evil villain would. He hunches, has beady eyes, long beak, pants so tight his fat rolls and ass hang out. He resembles one of those evil bird creatures, a Skeksis from the Dark Crystal.)

The hot af judge didn’t end up ordering what I wanted him or needed him to. Instead, he simply said something like, “You’ve shown the history of bullying and that’s one criteria, but you failed to meet the other requirement. The proof that he is going to do it in the future.” I thought the pattern would be enough, but it wasn’t. I lost in court. I didn’t get the protection I deserved or desired.

Sure, I was mad as I left the courthouse, but as I was driving away all the sudden – ALL of those heavy feelings I twas carrying around for 4 fuckin years were released.

I said what I said in court…. I said what I needed to say and still not get kicked out of the courtroom. But I faced my motha fuckin bully. I stared at him in his ugly face. I was strong and steady. I demonstrated no fear and that’s what I needed him to see. But he cracked… and not just his fat ass hanging out of his tight jeans.

He said something like, “I just want to exist peacefully in the same community together, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to.” To which, I laughed out loud and got a hard look from the hot judge, mmmm… wondering what else is hard on that judge *gobble gobble* I couldn’t keep the laughter in. He’s never demonstrated that sentiment- ever!

I sure hope that big cunt meant it. He’s proven to be an evil lying scum bag I don’t believe him. But I do hope that he leaves me the fuck alone, stays away from me, and stops and thinks before he tries to bully me again or anyone else with a good shot and a gun. My last words to the hot judge and the whole courtroom twas, “I will defend myself if I have to.” I hope I never have to.

In fact, in my clarity and new found freedom- I’ve made up my mind. By now, I think some of this community knows me and realizes that I’m not a bad person. I intend to do way more good if I’m allowed. And if I fuck someone up- there was a reason. So, if the bully tries to hurt me again, we’re going to fight. If he tries to enter into my house again, we’re going to fight. If he touches my body in any way, we are going to fight.

The crazy bitch with Freddy Kruger hands that I have boxed up inside exists for a reason. I’ve been so afraid to tap into it or that it was going to come out without my saying so. I realize I have more control over that crazy bitch in the box than I realized. I’m so glad.

Do you have one too? When is it appropriate for your crazy to come out?

In addition, I’ve also been thinking about when its appropriate for me . . if you try to steal my right to vote- we’re going to fight. If you try to put trans or queer people in internment camps- we’re going to fight. A fight should have happened already when they targeted Mexicans across this once great country. Is someone going to start that fight? Because they already did. And we aren’t doing enough.

If drones try to hurt my community- we’re going to fight. And if billionaires try to steal your land and put up data centers- you guess it- YOU SHOULD FUCKIN FIGHT!!!

Now I realize I’m just little gay cock suckin guy and many of you could probably best me. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t or won’t fight for my right to exist, for my right at life, liberty and my pursuit of Mexican American Homo happiness. All I need is one good shot.

Would you fight for what’s right?

So back to the new JLo Movie… she finds love in a hot Brit. I wonder if there’s a hot Brit in my future??? Maybe 4 or more? 😉 I realize as I let my trauma go, I’m finding myself again. I also realize that I do belong here. This is my home and no Ian Cunts or Republicans white supremacists of the world are going to tell me otherwise.

I also realize that I’ve been getting some great positive attention lately. I have a trainer and the gym to thank for that. I chose me ever since I’ve been physically able to (work out). I fuckin love it! For the things people say I’m not…or that I’m not enough….. I’m realizing there are so many great things that I am. Maybe a guy, or 2, or 3, or 4 will see me for who I am and what I am without me having to show him. I think I’m starting to see who I am more too.

I may have lost in court, but I’ve won myself back.

I’m the winning loser. I feel so much better now.

Cheerio,

The Happy Homo

PS Watch the new JLO – its sooo good. Already watched it three times.

PSS

PSSS other images were overlayed too. You no longer get to control my narrative. If this person ever messes with you… something else you should know- I heard from his friend and another clinician that he literally dehydrates shit and will stick it in people’s fire places that he hates. So when you turn on your fireplace in the winter- you smell shit. I don’t know if that’s the chimney, the actual fireplace itself, or both. Just something to be cautious about. What kind of person dehydrates shit to use against their perceived enemies????