And just like that…. My heart is full and yet I’m looking for an excuse to break up with my new boyfriend. Things are going so well, and I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone who was so kind, smart, and most of the time says the right shit. Like 99% of the time, it’s the best thing a boyfriend could ever say to a frightened heart and soul.
He’s absolutely terrible in bed, has the smallest penis ever, and never hits the spot. He’s also a lousy cuddler. But I make do… 😊
Has my past and my own trauma shaped or warped my heart so much that it doesn’t know how to feel safe with someone anymore? Or is my instinct right and I should be the bolter? I can’t fuckin tell. I’ve always known my picker is broken. Is it still broken after all these years? Was that hot white guy that kept bumping into me at a bar Mr. Right? Or is he just Mr. Right Now? Was that overwhelming feeling and calling of, “OH my fuckin hotness…this white boy is sexy…” something I shouldn’t have answered? Cause every fiber of my body answered that call that night; we immediately started making out. He is hot. He is sexy as fuck. But is he Mr. Right for Me?
I don’t even know why I’m writing about this other than to process my own feelings in real time. I’m overwhelmed with lovey feelings and my own issues with trusting a lover have been activated. How do I turn that off? And what is trust? Is it counting on someone to do the right thing for the other person or doing it for yourself? Maybe both?
Which only leads to me having more questions. Is trust something earned? Or given until otherwise proven you shouldn’t have trusted at all. What if someone’s desires and being single have become second nature and habitual? Can someone even have a boyfriend in those conditions? Or is that just a push over?
I don’t want to sell myself short (no bitch that wasn’t a height joke but funny that you made it into one.). I think for the first time in the longest time, I’m worthy of love and I look the best I’ve ever looked in my 30 years of life (My Botox age). But is this what I want? And do I have to obtain all the answers right this minute? Can’t I just be patient and see where this goes? Can’t I calm the fuck down?
He is very beautiful. He is very kind, has beautiful eyes and is smart. Most, if not all of his friends he has introduced me to have been super kind and welcoming. What’s my fucking problem? Oh, I forget…. We are boyfriends but we are open. I think I could get behind that sentiment… but I don’t want to be W I D E OPEN! I think there is a healthy and respectable version that I’d be okay with, but if my partner is handing out what I thought was gourmet candy to everyone and anyone, does it lose its desirability? Does it take away the special parts of it that made it gourmet to me in the first place? Sure, everybody needs to taste gourmet candy, but do they have to taste mine? Does it cheapen it if everyone else can have it?
The other side of that is I get to “have my cake and eat it too.” But isn’t gourmet candy and too much cake gonna make me fat again? Doesn’t sound like a healthy option, but cake on special occasions ….I don’t see a problem with that. But what exactly does that mean? Every time I turn around, you are shoving cake in your mouth? Or in front of me? (When the setting doesn’t really prompt or call for that type of smorgasbord of sharing.)
That leads to the issue at hand… trust. Do I have trust issues? Yup. Like duh. Life hasn’t always been this kind or easy. And sometimes people go out of their way to destroy someone else’s happiness; weird I know. But I do think I could be happy with healthy agreed upon options or just his gourmet candy too. And in saying that, am I being true to myself? Would I? Could I be happy with just his candy. I really do think so.
Am I just bringing my Utah brain and the heteronormative and Catholic norms I grew up with into my relationship? Do they even serve me anymore? Or is this how I really feel? It’s hard to make the distinction. Can one person be everything I’ll ever need? Maybe? He’s probably got the best chance at it. (Yes, he’s that pretty.)
I know that I’m uncomfortable at this moment because I’m not yet comfortable with the idea of sharing my candy with others that I may not know, like, or think I’d ever need to share with in the first place. But queer relationships can look different, and we get to define them how we see fit. But because everyone is doing it, does that mean I have to?
What I find strange is that I’m good at fucking someone, their husband, or both of them separate or at the same time. So why do I have a tough time swallowing this? It’s so new to me to be the boyfriend and sharer in the scenario. What do I do?
Trust is a big part of feeling comfortable in expressing all of my sexual desires with my partner. Trust is also something we should have in our government and elected officials. But they’ve been fuckin us(a) too, just in a different way. I clearly have some things I need to work on with my own therapist. And I would like to read ahead to see how this turns out, but I can’t skip ahead.
Well, that was a lot to process, but since I brought up our corrupt government…. Have you done your part and voted for all the democrats on your ballot? No one is coming to save us(a) but you.
Someone recently brought up that I look a little crazy for reposting all the political stuff I do. Well, there is a method to my madness. And I think we are all a little crazy… some in the best ways possible. My crazy, well the posts happen because I have a lot of Utah friends and family who would never see these things otherwise. I grew up with Mormons as best friends and the wool is pulled over their eyes soooo tight that if you don’t show them truth, they’ll never open their eyes or see it for themselves.
And that’s not completely it. My political forwards are three-fold. What if this fat fucker really is the Hitler of our time? Did you or I do everything we could to raise the alarm, change people’s minds and hearts, and to stop his fat ass? I do think he is the Hitler of the USA and should he succeed in destroying our country, I’d rather go out screaming at the top of my lungs in more than a few posts knowing I did everything in my power, what little there is, to stand up against that kind of evil.
The third tier to my madness is, I’m a God-fearing Christian. I do believe in the return of Jesus Christ. I believe in good and evil. I’ve seen both my whole life. When I read or listen to the last chapter of the Bible, Revelations, there’s so much that fits the goings on of today. It can’t all be just a coincidence, can it?
And no, I don’t believe you have to be a Christian to be a good human being, but I do believe in doing good while we are on this planet. I want to do good… I want to be a good Boi. But the idea of being wide open in a relationship almost sounds more frightening than the end of times.
What have you done to stand up to this evil regime? Have you done enough? If tomorrow he nukes our own country, did you do enough? Say enough? Stand up enough against their evil and hate? I did the only thing I could… I blogged about it. I wrote about it. I forwarded things on social media to those who may have not otherwise seen them and I fuckin voted! Did you?
I was asked if I believed my actions would change the course of what’s happening. I replied with a confident, “No.” No, but if we all did something, all did our part (no matter how small), or said something to help people see the light, and voted, that would be something. Wouldn’t it?
I believe that would change everything. Did you do your part? Or do you leave it up to everyone else, so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable? Or maybe because you don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers you stay silent. Well, all those brown people in the concentration camps ruffles my feathers enough to never stop speaking out against this kind of evil and corruption. These people, these human beings…. They look just like me. How could I not say something? How could you not say something?
Back to the boyfriend…
I can’t help but feel like I’ve already fallen heels over head for my new boyfriend. Yes, you read that correctly. I said what I said! Heels over head … can also resemble the sentiment that “head over heels” does. And I do think this may be a “heels over head” kinda love. But he really does have the smallest penis ever. He’s a lousy lay and a terrible cuddler. Absolutely terrible in bed. I hope no one else even bothers.
What if there isn’t anything wrong with him? What if the uncertainty is happening inside me? and only me?
Confused, Terrified and Twitterpated,
The Happy Homo
PS Vote, vote fuckin vote!
PSS I haven’t felt like this in so many years. I’m happy and dare I say it… I might have worked out enough to be an 8. But my boyfriend says I’m a 10. See, says the right shit most, if not all of the time.
PSSS Over a year ago I was watching the Drew Barrymore show. She and Rossy Ross Mathews were gushing over, “The Comfy” hoodies. Its like a blanket hoodie and I thought to myself… I need one of these. Then I thought bubbled to myself, “Order one for yourself and one to share with your future boyfriend.” I was preparing for a new boyfriend before he came.
I ordered a medium and a large, cause its supposed to be like a blanket. And they are comfy. Well, I finally got to use them with my boyfriend. I knew that if I started putting myself out there a little bit there’d be a good chance I’d end up with one. Who knew I was right? Who knew he was going to be so hot? Glad I was preparing for him back then. This is us in the cold desert night sipping wine under the darkness of night. If you get the hoodie, he will cum/come.
